I was asked to work at the Reference desk yesterday.

And of course I jumped at the chance since Reference librarians are the rock stars of the library because they know everything. I’m qualified to say this because I used to work at the Reference desk until I had a kid and had to step down. The Reference librarian’s schedule was just too hard for me to keep up with while raising a baby.

You laugh, but it’s true.

Now I work in Technical Services. I’d explain it to you, but it’s very technical and you don’t care. They say Technical Services is the heart of the library, but really, we’re everyone’s bitch. That’s what I do. I’m a librarian’s bitch. I guess it wasn’t so technical after all.

Anyway, I was at the Reference desk for only a short time when I got the kind of call that always pisses me right the fuck off. It’s some douche-bag who thinks the Reference desk is her own personal 411 and calls me for the number for H&R Block because apparently she thinks they are in the habit of giving out free tax advice to drunken assholes over the phone. Did I mention this woman was already slurring her words by 11:00 am? Yeah. And lucky for her I happen to be fluent in drunk slurring language and I wouldn’t have understood a word if I hadn’t so much experience with it prior to this occasion.

And then while I’m looking up the number, she asks me her fucking tax question. As if! I wanted to say, “Um. No, this is still me, the library. I haven’t given you the number yet. Do try to keep up fucktard.”

But I didn’t. I was polite because “always be professional” is my motto.

After I gave her the number, we went back and forth like this for a while:

Me: The number is 725-7090

Her: 867-9087?

Me: No. 725-7090

Her: 752-8907?

Me: No. 725…

Well, You get the idea. For fuck’s sake lady, land the plane already!

She finally got it right and hung up without so much as a thank you.

It’s so typical of the public to behave that way.

And on a totally unrelated related note, because I was upstairs at Reference I was forced to use the public ladies room and not the usual private Staff facility I’ve grown accustomed to. And since I’m not used to being around the public anymore, I forgot that it isn’t polite to touch your ass in front of people and so I did. I touched my ass.

And I got caught by the publicness who was behind me in the hallway.

And I didn’t know what to do, so I just left my hand on my ass and pretended like it’s just my signature walk and that I wasn’t just a girl touching her own ass.

But now I have an etiquette question for the Internets. When caught touching your ass, what is the polite thing to do?

Remove your hand immediately and maybe slap it for being naughty?

Keep your hand there and pretend like it’s normal?

Excuse yourself?

Slap the opposite ass cheek for good measure?

Put your hand on the other person’s ass so they feel included?

I need to know because it will probably happen again.

I touch my ass a lot.

Because it’s so very, very fine.