As I’ve already complained about today, I’m sick. I have a wicked sore throat, runny nose, general malaise…I’ve carried on as best I can, (groceries, laundry, dishes) but by about 1:00 I simply had to lay down. My daughter, from here on to be known as Satan’s Little Helper, chose her Hello Kitty video to watch so mommy could get a little rest. This is the pain in the ass of all videos as it is comprised of 20 minute segments where you have to press the play button between each one to keep the freaking thing going. 20 minutes is just enough time to drift off to sleep before you are awakened by the maddening theme song telling you to press the damn play button again. But that’s all she’d agree to. She’s diabolical. Satan’s spawn.

During the 20 minutes of the first segment, Satan’s Little Helper employed the following parental torture techniques:

  • used an empty paper towel roll as a megaphone to yell directly into my ear “Mommy! Waaaake UP!”
  • jumped on the dog
  • threw raisins at the dog
  • sat on the dog’s head
  • used my face as a back rest
  • straddled my hip and jumped up and down on me like a rodeo bronco
  • peed her pants while sitting on my hip (there’s nothing quite like that feeling)
  • put raisins up my nose
  • jumped on the couch
  • fell off the couch
  • poured my glass of ginger ale into her Disney Princess tea pot, and dumped it on the carpet.

I wanted to throw my child through a window. I wanted to hurt her BAD. Unfortunately, and this is so frustrating, the worst thing I can do to her legally is hope that some day, maybe 30 or more years from now, some little fuck decides to mess with her when she’s weak and defenseless on the couch. I’ll have to wait for it, but some day revenge will be mine. And I will laugh. And I will not come over to babysit.

Mom, if you’re reading this, you prayed for this moment didn’t you? I’m sure you find it fucking hilarious.

Shut up.