We stayed home most of the weekend and it was very nice except for the huge fight I had with Mister.

It wasn’t even about anything sexy or interesting like his deep and abiding love for black tar heroine, his gambling debts, his penchant for Asian hookers, or even his inability to close cabinet doors after he opens them.

No, no.

It was about procrastination and replacement windows.

When we bought our house in August last year, the lead inspector told us that it was “hot” for lead in all of the windows. The house is 80 years old and it has it’s original six panes over clear bottom with the antique wavy glass in them. They’re very prettyful, but they leak cold air and poison our child with lead dust.

It makes me hysterical.

The good news is that our state has a program where we can have a lead abatement team come and replace the windows and they give us an interest free loan that isn’t due until the house is sold. I keep bugging Mister to get on it before Girlfriend gets poisoned and catches the retardation but he doesn’t listen to me because he’s the worst procrastinator ever, and also because I about have to strap one on and deal with him man to “man.” Otherwise he’ll try to tell me that I can’t even operate my bread machine properly so of course I don’t understand lead poisoning, replacement windows, and state loan programs.

And so we got into a big fight over the windows issue in front of Girlfriend. I know. You shouldn’t fight in front of your kids. Call Family Services. Ask for Linda. Tell her I said “hi.” (she’s my mom)

To make things worse I have a hard time arguing without saying “fuck” eleventy hundred times. I don’t want to swear in front of Girlfriend because she repeats things I say at random playback at the worst possible moments. I just know she’ll jump up at storytime and yell “Damn! You motherfuckers know how to tell a story! Can we do the fucking craft now?”

Without a penis and my beloved fuck word it made for a very frustrating argument that went nowhere and I had no choice but to chuck stuff at his head respectfully disagree.

Clearly, in order to prevent such a thing from happening in the future, Girlfriend will have to learn to cover her ears, and I’m going to have to come to the table prepared for a sword fight.

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