What would Crissy’s Penis Week be if we didn’t cover all the fun little euphemisms we have for it? I don’t really know either, but it wouldn’t be a very good Crissy’s Penis Week now would it?

Okay, so here goes and I didn’t cheat by going online to look them up, but I was tempted, very tempted:

First we have dirty, dirty ones:
Cock
(seriously, that’s all I can think of for dirty ones. You never hear a porn actress say “I want to suck your wee-wee.” It’s always “cock” this and “cock” that. Right?)

Ones that are also people’s names:
Johnson
Peter
I once had a college professor named Peter Johnson
Willie
Dick
Woody
Long Duck Dong (a high five to the first person to guess what movie that’s from)
Big Lebowski
Bob Johnson
Dick Weiner is the Dean of Arts and Sciences at the college where my husband works: 

Dick Weiner
 (he’s actually a VERY nice guy with a real bummer of a name.)

Baby words:
Pee-pee
Wee-wee
Dingle
Winkie

Food:
Banana
Weiner
Noodle
Peanut butter (is what my brother called it when he was little because he couldn’t pronounce penis. Once he zipped his peanut butter into his footie pj’s There’s Something About Mary style. Poor little guy.)
Peanut
Frank and beans
Kielbasa
Summer sausage

Things found at the Home Depot:
Rod
Package
Apparatus
Tool
Unit
Fuck Stick
Blue Steel
Knob
Junk
Prod

Stuff I think people I know made up:
Schletz- I’ve only heard my mom say this one so I think she made it up. I’m not sure.
El Tutubo- That one’s Bren’s.

From the animal kingdom:
Trouser Snake
Monkey
Chicken
Anaconda
Jake the one eyed snake
Cock-a-saurus

Ones I don’t understand the origins of:
Tally whacker
Schlong- What is that? Jewish? And is it related in any way to schlamiel or schlamazel?
Wanker

Disgusting ones that make we want to play for the other team:
The Bolonga Pony
Custard Chucker
Yogurt Shooter
Beef Bus

* notice they’re all food related. You’ll never catch me with a can of whipped cream in my bed. ‘Nuff said.

Ones that sound painful:
Pecker
Prick
Ramrod
Pile driver

The stuff from which legends are made:
Hammer of Thor
Sword
Pocket Rocket
Action Jackson
Captain Winkie
Biggus Dickus
The Bald Avenger

….and I’m spent!

Tell me which ones I’m missing. There’s like, a million!