I’m Chris and I usually write at my site, surviving myself, but because Kristen is on vacation and Nice and maybe felt bad for me because I have no life, she gave me the honor of guest posting here today.

Kristen always goes on and on about being a woman and how women have Lots To Deal With like having a baby and blah, blah, blah, so I thought I’d take this chance to explain what problems men have.

Or more specifically, what problems I have.

I can’t piss under pressure.

It’s a terrible problem.

You think having a child is hard?


Try walking to the bathroom, having to pee so bad that maybe you’re thinking about just going in your pants a little instead, only to have someone walk in and stand right next to you and because of the presence of this Foreign Penis about a foot away from you, you can’t do it.

This happens to me all the time.

I really can’t do it.

When I’m on line at a game or a concert, I have to pray to the Bathroom Gods that I get a stall because there is no way Little Chris (he’s not little really, that’s just a funny name, like when you call someone “little” even though they are HUGE) is going to perform his duty.

No way, no how. Not going to happen.

So I have to retract my man and then withdraw into the masses clouded in shame.

But that’s neglecting the most frustrating part of My Condition – the acting.

I have to sit there and act like I’m pissing, even though I’m not.

I give it a minute.

Maybe flush the urinal to cover the lack of pissing sounds on my part.

Look around a little. But not too much.

Then give a fake shake and zip up, all without actually accomplishing my only goal: To relieve myself into a porcelain receptacle which may or may not have one of those little blue smelly things at the bottom.

It’s all very embarrassing.

But this is what I must deal with everyday of my life.

Living on The Edge, never knowing if I will actually be able to piss when I get to the bathroom, or if I’ll merely pretend to piss and then leave a broken, shell of a man.

And, by the way, it is big – I was just joking about all that Little Chris stuff.

Really, it’s huge.

It is.

I swear!