As you know, I fucking hate the horror that is storytime, but I go because it’s good for Girlfriend to go out in public and socialize with people. I drag myself kicking and screaming on the inside because I really don’t fit in with mom culture but we’ll talk about that another day.

Anyway, for the sake of Girlfriend’s social and emotional well-being, we went on a play-date to the Children’s Museum with our faithful companions Erin and Mackenzie.

Our first stop was the Water Room which I was hoping had a bar in it or at least a wine fountain.

But no. There was nothing.

But shouldn’t there be, really?

Instead there were many children wearing waterproof smocks so they could splash the shit out of each other.

But it’s OK though because it’s the water room (duh).

If the kids get too wet there are totally inadequate cold air hand dryers that do nothing. So DON’T WORRY.

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That’s Mackenzie on the left and Girlfriend on the right.

One of the first things I noticed was that most people seemed to be rockin’ a Snuggli or a Baby Bjorn with an infant in it. I felt a little naked, so I think next time I’ll just carry Alice in a Snuggli and see how that goes over.

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I think the kid in the foreground below was actually dead, but I don’t like to judge other mothers:

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These two ladies look a little confused and hesitant. I think they were hoping for a bar too. But they looked adorable and stylish and cute, and they didn’t have Snugglis strapped to them. It was refreshing to see them because they weren’t wearing pajama pants like so many mommies do. (Can you imagine?)

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They were actually MILFS!

Unlike Mrs. Fancy Pants over here:

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(but I’m certain she’s a wonderful mother.)

Or how about this lady who is clearly prepared for a business meeting that could happen at any second. She’s proving a woman really can have it all and look like an overdressed asshat in the water room.

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This is what I wore:

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(Shut up. I KNOW I need to cool it with the cheezy puffs OKAY??)

The girls chose to put on these cute doggie costumes that were not doubt harboring some sort of festering virus carried here by foreign people.

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When I turned around to take a picture of the MILFS, my kid found THIS!!!

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And had it in her mouth and was sucking it like it was a vanilla pudding pop by the time I turned around. I’m certain it probably belonged to some foreign person’s baby and now Girlfriend is going to start smelling of cumin and speaking very fast.

Or she could die from a foreign person disease.

This guy with an abnormally long torso looked to me like he could enjoy a nice little cocktail once in a while, so I asked him if he had a flask on him. He just looked at me and was all like “Ew! Get away crazy lady! Get out of here!” then turned around and ignored me.

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Wanker.

Isn’t this giant lady thing all wrong looking? Mackenzie out and out refused to sit there with Girlfriend, and I can’t say I blame her because it looks like my daughter is coming right out of the giant lady’s va-jay-jay.

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It does, right?

I think so.

Anyway, that was my trip to the Children’s Museum. I never did find the bar.

Tell me Internets, do I bring the dog in a Snuggli next time or just carry a very special juice box for mommy?

Because Sweet Jesus there’s got to be a better way!