I got an email from Rachel regarding a product that I’ve actually heard of before, but blocked out of my memory until she brought it to my attention this morning. It actually left her speechless, and if you know Rach like I know Rach, you know that’s never happened before.

It’s politely called South Beach Skin Solutions Lightning Gel for Sensitive Areas, but what it really is is ass hole bleach. That’s right, bleach for your ass hole. Apparently you can tan your skin brown, but your butt hole needs to be white. I’m not even fucking kidding you. If you don’t believe me, go to www.southbeachskinsolutions.com to check it out for yourself.

Here’s my question: Who cares what color your bum is? Are there people who are so vain as to think someone cares? Seriously! Are the fashion police roaming around South Beach pulling people’s pants down, bending them over and writing them tickets for having the wrong color down there? Who ever even looks there but a proctologist? And if you’re seeing a proctologist you’ve got bigger problems than just a brown bum!

I don’t think I’ve ever even seen mine to know what color it is, and chances are your significant other is just so overjoyed to be there in the first place they don’t care if it’s got pink and purple polka dots on it and whistles glory glory hallelujah! As far as I can imagine, the people who buy this stuff are most likely the same people who have their labia surgically altered to reduce the floppy “wizard cuffs” effect. That’s another phenomenon that is beyond my comprehension.

I guess I could maybe sort of understand using the stuff on your nipples because they’re more visible and nobody wants big ol’ brown bologna nipples, but that’s where my understanding ends. Unless you’re a porn star, I see no need for this foolishness.

You should love your back door just the way it is.