It all started when I got to work and found this waiting for me on my desk.

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It’s a Valentine from Lynne. Being every bit as juvenile as she, I returned the sentiment with a similar Valentine that said “bite me” with a chocolate peanut butter heart that, when eaten by her allergicness, would certainly send her into anaphylactic shock. “Happy V-day, the hives are festive!” (I’m not evil! I didn’t know she was allergic to pb.)

This set off a cacophony of emails regarding phrases we’d rather see on the Necco conversation hearts than stupid crap like “be mine” and “I love you.” The following is a collaborative list for your reading pleasure:

  • No BJ 4 U
  • UR Fat
  • U Suck
  • I (heart) boobs
  • Hate U
  • Dum Ass
  • B Gone
  • U R A Douche
  • Sweet tits
  • Nice Cans
  • Crotch rot
  • Fat bitch
  • Butt Pirate
  • Prn Star
  • Whiz on me
  • A-hole
  • Me so horny
  • Dck hed
  • Baby daddy?
  • Butt sex

Had we the time and ability to write in tiny, tiny letters we would have gone into the break room and written these on the bowl of hearts on the table in there. Can you imagine the look on a librarian’s face when she picks up a heart that says “butt sex” on it?

Wicked. Pissah.