Crissy has a very big problem.

She’d show it to you, but she has a very strict policy against being ugly in front of her Queefs.

Also it won’t fit into the frame of the picture.

Crissy would call it a zit or a pimple but that would be an understatement. Those words are too cute.

It’s more like this:

It’s a second face growing on Crissy’s chin.

Nay.

It’s more like a small town growing on Crissy’s chin.

It has applied for it’s own zip code.

And it wouldn’t surprise Crissy to see this thing if she wasn’t so meticulous about her skincare regimen or if she was expecting her period.

But she is and she’s not.

So WHAT THE FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK????

WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS????

How is Crissy supposed to enjoy her weekend?

And Crissy has tried to cover it up with some concealer and some loose powder but it just slides off the sides and creates a bulls-eye type ring around it instead.

Sort of like Saturn.

And Crissy has been trying to burn it off by obsessively putting Retin-A on it every thirty seconds or so. This seems to be working but Crissy doesn’t think that Shane, her face doctor, would approve of this method.

But Shane doesn’t have to walk around with this thing on his face so he can just suck Crissy’s dick.

So what Crissy wants to know is if her Queefs have any better ideas for how she can make this thing go away.

Like,

Right.

Fucking.

NOW.

The lovely people at Coach know that Crissy loves her fun and colorful mommy purses and so whenever they have a new fabulousness coming out they shoot her an email because they know it will make her hate her life by showing her another beauteous thing she cannot have. And it makes them feel very happy and superior and snotty.

And here is the latest.

It’s the Sabrina bag from the new Madison collection and it’s only $358.

It’s practically free when you think about it.

And Crissy likey.

Crissy wanty.

Crissy whines but Mister no buy-y no matter how much Crissy promises the suck-y fuck-y.

He just goes on and on about oil and food and something about winter and tits freezing off and Crissy puts her fingers in her ears and shouts “lalalalalalalalala! I can’t hear you boring man!”

Sigh.

You Queefs know how much Crissy loves her bags don’t you?

Remember this one?

And how much Crissy loved it?

And do you know what Crissy found in that dark abyss when she cleaned it out yesterday Queefs?
No?
Well, she will tell you because Crissy finds her purse contents fascinating.

• 1 umbrella
• wallet containing receipts but no money.
• coupon organizer with no coupons in it because Crissy can never remember to bring them.
• Life organizer with like three things written in it from January when Crissy swore she would become someone who is organized and writes her appointments down in a calendar instead of on scraps of paper which promptly get lost and leave Crissy apologizing to Dr. office staff personnel for missing the appointment and please do not charge her $25 for being a moron.

(ahem…)

• kleenex
• Sally beauty supply membership card
• ginger candy she put in her bag for her pregnant friend Jennifer to help with the puking but Jennifer had the baby already (it’s a BOY!) and Crissy never got it to her. Maybe next time.
• one plastic tube thing of honey
• one partially eaten strawberry Cow’s Tail
• 2 lipsticks. I Mary Kay lipstick in Shell down to a tiny nub (Hi Rachel! Consider this my order for more Shell)
• 1 sample size tube of concealer because you never know when you’re going to have to conceal a gun or a knife or an eight ball of coke or something.
• keys. duh.
• sunglasses. double duh.
• 1 grape Fruitabu
• gum. Crissy has a very serious gum addiction
• 3 pens including one with a frog wearing boxing gloves and when you press the buttons he punches you.
• Princess Jasmine panties
• Old navy khaki shorts size 3T
• one hair elastic
• one hair clip
• One My Little Pony
• Chuck E. Cheese tokens
• 16 gum wrappers
• unidentifiable dirt like substance

And so what if Crissy treats her purse like a dumpster?

If she had her new Sabrina bag she wouldn’t do that.

She swears it.

So you guys are going to chip in and get it for her right?

If everyone donates a dollar, and Crissy has more readers than 358 every day so not everyone would have to (Crissy is looking at YOU, Cheapy Cheapingtons. She bets you haven’t voted yet either), then she could have her Sabrina and everyone would be happy.

RIGHT???

huh? HUH???

Who’s with Crissy?

WOOT?

woot?

And then the Crissys came across the third and final bizarre site just off the Equestrian trails at Schmuckytown Woods this past Sunday as if you guys didn’t know where the Crissys went this weekend by now. Crissy promises she will shut. up. about the fucking woods already after this.

It’s like she’s never been before. wtf?

Anyway, here it is:

What the hell?

It was a tree decorated with beads and feathers and angels and all kinds of random crap.

And contrary to what Crissy thought it was not even a memorial for some poor dead Woodland Gay or anything.

And the rocks around the bottom of it had stuff written on them too. The handwriting was different on all of them and Crissy is certain that at some point in the very recent past a bucket full of crazy was poured on this poor tree and it’s surrounding woodland accoutrements.

Wait. Is that a kabbalah string hanging from that stick?

Also, as evidenced by the rainbow flag, they are clearly Woodland Gay friendly.

Here are the rocks Crissy mentioned:

And one rock that you maybe can’t see here said that if Crissy needs a miracle she should take a leaf but Crissy is all stocked up on crazy at the moment so she didn’t take one.

But do you Queefs think there might be some of those Miracle leaves left because Crissy’s thinking that maybe she should have taken one anyway just in case the coo-coo for coco puffs crazy people are right.

It’s the same feeling of self doubt that she gets when she deletes all those emails that say “if you don’t forward this to ten friends in the next 5.2 seconds your head will turn to lime jello and start to smell like fish.”

What if it actually happens?

As we moved along the Equestrian trails at Schmuckytown Woods on Sunday, Girlfriend came across a large pile of horsey poo and exclaimed

“WOW! Mommy look! That’s the biggest pile of shit I’ve ever seen! And it’s fancy too! It’s got corn in it!”

and so on second thought it may not have been horsey poo after all because Crissy has never never seen corn in horsey poo but maybe that’s because she’s never really taken a good look before. And Crissy is a little bit afraid of horses because they’re rather large and even though this may or may not have happened

Crissy generally makes it a point to avoid horses and stick to enjoying them from a distance.

It’s all because of when Crissy was a wee little 6th grade Crissy and she slept over her friend Gina’s house and Gina had horses and one stepped on her foot and it HURT wee little 6th grade Crissy’s delicate footie, not to mention how much it hurt wee little 6th grade Crissy’s crotchals after riding him.

Anycrap, Crissy would have taken a picture of the mystery crap but she sort of draws the line at putting pictures of poo on her blog.

(Holy shit! Crissy has found her limit! who’d a thunk she even had one!?!)

Crissy is thinking that maybe instead of a horsey that one of the Woodland Gays was experiencing issues that day and had to use his woodsy cradle of love for another purpose.

Too much corn, perhaps.

On Sunday Crissy and Mister took Girlfriend and Alice for a walk at Schmuckytown Woods and it was rather enjoyable even though Girlfriend is slower than a bag of turtles and Crissy had to keep stopping to make sure she hadn’t fallen into a gully or a ravine or a cavern or anything.

And we came across a Miracle Tree and some very interesting horsey poo but Crissy will tell you about that later because as much fun as the Miracle tree and the horsey poo was, nothing can compare to the other magical thing the Crissys found during their walk.

The Crissy’s discovered that it was the perfect sort of day to catch sight of the fascinating creatures called the Woodland Gays in their natural habitat.

And they didn’t even need their binoculars because all they had to do was walk along the trails to encounter the badly dressed out of shape middle aged married men walking alone along the trails carrying backpacks full of gay porn, kleenex, condoms and lube and there you have a Woodland Gay.

You can also identify them by their mating call which sounds an awful lot like the Woot! Woot! Disco Call made famous in discotheques and gay bars the world over.

And one must be careful not to go too deeply into the woods because you do not want to disturb the Woodland Gays during their mating ritual.

They are shy creatures and sometimes prefer to hide behind trees and peek out at you.

Here’s one such fellow now.

(This picture is not from yesterday)

And the Woodland Gays, if on a trail and confronted directly with recreating families like the Crissys, will not make eye contact and say “good afternoon” because they know that you know what they’re really there for and it ain’t a nice hike in the fresh Schmuckytown Woods air.

They’re looking for a whole ‘nuther type of adventure.

They don’t want you to know that they know you know that they know that you know and they know and everyone knows.

Or something.

And so everyone pretends that the Woodland Gays aren’t.

But they so. are.

And when Crissy sees them she wants to shout “Tell your wife you’re gay! She’s probably sick of you anyway!” And also Crissy would set up a booth in the woods and interview potential gay bffs but she has a feeling the Woodland Gays are not the type of gays that will help her pick out a pair of pants that make her ass look wonderful.

PS: All you bloggers who have not pimped the stoogepie sweepstakes (which, btw has grown a bit and is now worth about $1,200!) must report to stoogie to learn about the nude MILF Pimp Prize because he has an $800 camera for one lucky blogger to win. Your odds are pretty damn good since so far we have Chris, Maxie, Ben, Adminerella, My stupid husband, Melissa, Dingo, and Rachel M.. So pimp this shit and you have a really strong chance at getting something out of it. You also have to let stoogie know you did it because he’s not God you know. Close, but no.

PPS: Right now three fucking MEN are beating Crissy for Hottest Mommy Blogger and it goes up Crissy’s bum sideways. Crissy will consider it a great victory to at least hand their hairy asses to them.