The Crissys just found out that their house is on the list of historic homes in Schmuckytown. They sort of knew it was special because when they bought it they found a picture of it in a book called Schmuckytown Historic Architecture or something like that.

While this may seem like exciting news at first and maybe Crissy’s house might get one of those nifty little oval shaped white signs that says something like built in 1920 by Captain Mike Hunt it is actually a big pain in the Crissy’s asses because it means that whatever we do to our house it must be approved by the Historical Preservation Society.

Remember when Mister wanted to put this statue in the front yard?

Well it means that now some historical dude is going to come by and tell us “No. The Crissys cannot put a large homo-erotic statue of Mister on the front lawn.”

How unreasonable!

And if the Crissys want to paint their house purple with an orange door and giant swastika shaped polka dots all over it, we cannot do that either.

Not historical. Even with the swastikas.

And remember when Crissy and Mister had a sword fight and Crissy had to strap one on and talk man to man with Mister about replacement windows and state loan programs to rid our windows of lead paint that may or may not be giving Girlfriend The Retardation as we speak this very moment?

Well, we got the report back and it turns out that the Crissy’s dirt is also a lead hazard and we have to get all new dirt now too and they have to dig up Crissy’s wonderful garden. Remember how hard she worked?

And the whole kerfuffle started when we applied for the loan to help us pay for our new windows and it was approved and everything was hunky freakin dory until last night when Mister got that call.

“Bad news Mr. Crissy. Your house is a historic landmark. We have to be in contact with the National Historic Commission before we can proceed with your window replacement project. They will cost twice as much as originally estimated due to the fact that they now need to be in keeping with the historic character of the house. They may decide that we cannot replace them at all, but only repair them since they are original to the house. Also it’s going to take forfuckingever for things to go through all the necessary red tape and bureaucratic bullshit inspections.”

(Crissy added that last part about the red tape and the bullshit)

And it’s not like the Crissys weren’t going to put in windows that go with the house. Of course they were going to! What pisses the Crissys off is that now it’s going to take a lot longer to get things done and some persnickety doucheface is going to put his nose up Crissy’s ass and try to boss Crissy around and

nobody bosses around the Queen of Fucking Everything.

(except Girlfriend)

(and sometimes Mister but only on Very Special Nights)

PS: Go see the lovely and hilarious Ms. Dingo! She’s helping out with Stoogepie’s super contest where you can win $600 worth of awesome stuff and a chance to see Crissy in the nakeds and also she made a really, really funny picture of Crissy that you have got to see!

Crissy realizes that she’s been talking non stop about babies and making babies and bringing them to dancing classes and she did give you guys a respite yesterday when we talked of horsefucking so you’re going to sit through another post about Girlfriend and you’re going to love it because Crissy doesn’t have much else to write about right now.

Well, she does, but it means she has to take pictures of her dying garden and she’s feeling like it not so much right now. It depresses the crap out of her to look at it.

Ahem.

Recently Crissy went to Girlfriend’s preschool orientation and heard about all the rules about snacks brought to school. Every parent is required to bring in 5 snacks per year. These snacks, for 32 precious little ones, must come complete with 32 drinks and 32 cups and 32 plates and 32 napkins and 32 whatever else a person needs to serve the snack. The snacks must be “healthy” and if there is any packaging it must be “earth friendly.” This could get expensive and Crissy thinks maybe she should just buy 32 new BMWs for the children and just be done with it for the year but a BMW is not an appropriate snack and it is probably not earth friendly. So, no.

And if Crissy chooses to make something with her own two wonderful little hands she must submit the recipe to the other parents for approval because god forbid and heavens to myrgatroid we don’t want anyone getting sugar when they’re not supposed to or for FUCK SAKE AND THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS DECENT AND GOOD IN THIS WORLD NO GOD DAMNED NUTS!!!

We don’t want any of the precious ones dying of anaphylactic shock because Crissy sent in cookies and did not submit a recipe for prior parental approval. Crissy swears that if any one of those losers rejects her submitted recipe she will bust balls on them so hard when it’s their turn that all that will be left for them to send in is water and air popped rice.

Crissy is just saying.

So Crissy’s turn is coming up in October and she plans to make Nutless Orange Cranberry Bread and maybe bring in a couple of these juice boxes to go with it:

That’s enough for 32 kids, right?

At first she thought of milk but she’s sure little Enid is lactose intolerant and her mother will bitch and Crissy will have to cram the milk up little Enid’s mom’s butt.

And Crissy thinks that would not be the best way to make friends with the moms at Girlfriend’s school.

See?

Prolly not appropriate.

Might make for awkwardness on field trips…

Wow, well Crissy didn’t know that everyone cared so much about her uterus and it’s potential inhabitants but all the voting and advice has touched her deeply in a very private place.

Thanks Queefs!

But don’t worry all you guys who think Mister isn’t on board with the baby. He is. Crissy just used the words “dead set against” for dramatic effect. Mister and Crissy are usually on the same page with most things but just don’t talk about Replacement Windows, Heating Bills, or Buying Crissy a BMW and we will not have to get the Five-O involved again.

And it’s not just you guys who have been thinking about Crissy. Oh no, no. The emails have been thinking about Crissy and Mister too and they are clearly trying to help them make Sexy Time by sending Crissy’s many suggestions for some very filthy porn to help get Crissy in the mood for some hardcore action.

For example, in the past week Crissy has received the following thoughtful emails:

Warm up your left hand. Get the tissues ready (okay maybe this one is for Mister to do some practice drills)
I know what girls do on a FARM. Do not leave them there lonely.
Does your better half bore you to death? Cheer up!
Schoolgirl aquaintence dwarf
Girls will call you Largissimo!
Huge dick trannies scream orgasm
*SPAM* Blonde Chick Sucking Horse Cock
Do you care about her satisfaction?
Big stiff doggie cock in hot girl tight asshole
She will want to spend a night with you, buddy
Anything you deisre
I am thunderstruck what can people do with females
Huge cock shemales
Wild freaky action in the stable

And Crissy has never seen a huge cock shemale so she clicked on it just for shits and giggles and she found something that she does not understand and she’d show you but the picture was too big and would get you fired for sure so she’ll show you this other thing she found.

Crissy is slightly horrified that this hot chick young blonde girl slut looks a little bit like her and so now she has vowed to stay off the booze and the pills because who knows?

Maybe it is Crissy.

Crissy does not always remember her “adventures.”

Oh holy hell Queefs.

Crissy is hanged over today because her brother is in town and even though he does not drink Crissy took it upon herself to drink enough for both of them because she’s a superawesomefantatic sister like that.

And now this morning?

oy.

Crissy would capitalize that but it would hurt her head.

And the hangover is a very bad thing to go into work with because librarians don’t get hangovers (except for the one in rehab getting cured off the Wild Turkey but Crissy is going to venture a guess that she does not plan on getting hangovers anymore) and so there is no sympathy to be had today among the Church Ladies at the li-berry.

They would judge Crissy harshly for her love of The Drink.

And they cannot handle “foul language” either.

Except for Lynne who can roll with a cuntfacecocksuckermotherfucker and that’s why Crissy wants to fuck her loves her so (see Lynn-e? Crissy told you she’d tell the Internets that she’s in love with you!) and also Crissy and Lynne are forced to hide their fucks and their assholes and their douchebags away and speak in Text Message Language when they are around the Church Ladies and it confuses them and they think Crissy and Lynne are strange but what are Crissy and Lynne to do?

WTF?

WTFF?

OMFG!!

And when they hire a New Girl, Crissy and Lynne have a meeting about whether or not the New Girl is “cool” like them or if she is a Church Lady by dropping an S bomb on her at first in conversation with each other and nonchalantly gauging her reaction and then slowly pulling out the heavier artillery until she breaks and her face turns all Church Lady-ish and then via eye contact they decide not to let her into their club.

So far it is still only a club of two with a few people who can “handle” Crissy and Lynne but nobody is as cool as they are so far.

Needless to say Crissy will have a long day at work today and she has to bring Girlfriend in with her because she has no babysitter and she must suffer in silence and know that you fine people feel her hangover pain possibly right along with her on this fine Thursday morning.

Wait.

It’s Friday.

Fine Friday morning.

DAMMIT!

ow. that hurt crissy’s head. no more capitals today okay queefs?

So far this week Crissy has warned the Queefs about The Mutants Who Smell Like Feet at Chuck E. Cheese and the Monkey Breath People at Savers and now she will tell you about the Asshats at the Library.

It shouldn’t come as much surprise to Crissy when she finds icky people at Chuck E’s and Saver’s, but the library should be a place where nice clean people who smell like fresh laundry come to read very sophisticated books about physics and things that Crissy does not understand.

Sadly, not so much.

The library patrons are somewhat cleaner people than the others Crissy encountered last week and this is because people at the library can read (sometimes) and so have successfully followed the directions on the bar of soap, but just because they are clean-ish folks it does not mean that they are smart people or sane people, or normal people.

For example, A Crazy Bat Shit Lady, Crissy thinks she must be in her 70’s somewhere, comes up to the desk. She’s wearing a bad, bad, bad wig that’s on crooked and poorly pinned to her head, a polo shirt that’s 2 sizes too small, enormous gym shorts hiked up underneath her boobs, with black sheer panty hose and white orthopedic sneakers and she carried a handbag sooooo big Crissy could have stuffed her in it and Crissy was certain it was full of those gummy spearmint leaves and lots of peppermints and stuff. And she’s so pleasant and sooooo perky and cheerful that Crissy wants to smack her mouth when she asks her to find a book of wedding quotes so she can write “the perfect thing” in her granddaughter’s wedding card. Awwww…so sweet! So Crissy gives her about 5 books and then she looks at Crissy and says “Jesus Christ! There’s a lot of shit! If I don’t find something in here I’m porked.”

Huh. Didn’t see that one coming.

Not sane.

NEXT!

And then right after Crazy Bat Shit Lady, a delightfully bemulleted Diesel Dyke who looked an awful lot like Jo from Facts of Life without the pleasant smile and the eye liner:

(some of you are way too young to know what The Facts of Life was and that makes Crissy want to go cry in her bowl of fiber cereal a little bit)

came to the desk with guns so big her arms didn’t touch her sides and in James Earl Jones’ voice requests Debbie Macomber’s romance novel, Rainy Day Kisses.

And the request seemed so odd to Crissy that she just sat there for a second struggling to find the meaning of it all before she got up and found the book for Ms. Diesel or Mr. Diesel or whatever.

Apparently everyone has a soft side and then they go pump iron and comb their mullets.

Not normal.

NEXT!

And then there was the bus load of men who are afflicted with The Retardation. They actually don’t bother Crissy at all because they’re really the sweetest creatures in the world and they love their architecture books and their encyclopedias and they are always asking Crissy to help them find them and they ask every single time and you’d think they’d remember where their favorite books are, but no.

It’s like they’re retar…

Oh.

I get it.

Not smart.

Clearly Crissy had quite the weekend with the publicness and had a few moments where she considered barricading herself in her house but then she quickly remembered about the problem she would have getting the vodka and so she decided against it.

For now.