Crissy

Hi-Ho, Freak Show!

Yesterday morning I was hanging around the house having a Boo Radley moment when the fucking door bell rings.

I open the door with a pants-less Girlfriend (who had just peed her panties) on my hip and who stands before me but two pubescent Jehovah Witnesses. They’re dressed in suits from Salvation Army and carrying equally sad looking brief cases full of “information” or as I call it “throw that shit in the recycle bin.” The tall one’s voice cracked as he says “good morning ma’am. Are you busy?”

“YES! I am!” I said and threw the door closed.

Fucking hooligans.

Had I been feeling better I would have invited them in so I could tell them how great birthday parties are and that some families get to keep daddy and mommy’s paychecks instead of handing them over to the church, or the temple, or the hall, or whatever they call it, but I was sick so whatever. Fuck them.

“Why are the Jehovahs sending their children to you? Don’t they know you’re Satan’s whore and can turn their boys into fire monsters without any effort at all? ”

I’m glad you asked.

They used to visit our old house and my stoopy husband would actually spend time talking to them. They came once a week at least and caught us in various states of wrong.

I once answered the door in my underwear holding a soaking wet and shaking Alice (long story, but I’ll give you the short version; I was giving her a bath).

Once I had my shirt half off with a 5 month old Girlfriend sucking from my boobie.

Mister answered in his underpants while holding a cast iron frying pan.

I dropped an f-bomb on them.

One day I opened the door to find a couple who looked exactly like Mister and me except I did not like her bag and so I said “Um, holy shit! The only thing is I would never carry that purse. So, yeah. No thanks.”

I told them we were devoted Catholics.

When that didn’t work, I told them we enjoy sacrificing kittens to the Dark Lord in our living room.

But nothing phases these fucking people!

They’ll take anybody!

I begged Mister to let me tell them to fuck off, but he wouldn’t and so off they did not fuck.

In fact, he enjoyed their company so much that when we moved, and this is unfuckingbelievable, he GAVE THEM OUR NEW ADDRESS AND INVITED THEM TO STOP BY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He Did!

And I went coo-coo for coco puffs when he told me what he had done and I think my head actually did a full 360 and the baby, who was only two at the time, said her longest sentence yet: “Daddy, I’m scared of Mommy.”

And every time they come I’m reminded of that scene from Poltergeist when this dude

comes up the front path singing “God is in his holy tem-ple.”

Remember that?

They seem so nice and then just when you trust them BAM!

No birthdays for you!

I’m up on Back Fence PDX today too. Sorry for all the reading. NO I”M NOT! Go read it people. You’ve got an opportunity to worship me some more today, you lucky sons of bitches.

What the Fuck is Wrong with People? Version 2.0

For today I had a lovely little video planned for you wherein Girlfriend and I made vegan chocolate raspberry cookies for her friend Alena’s birthday, but then I woke up to find a hater on my blog again.

Apparently my rantyness yesterday about crosswalks and my ignorance of crosswalk law, ruffled the feathers of this dude who wrote,

I certainly understand your frustration. The thing is, you said…”you have to STOP when a pedestrian enters the crosswalk.” But that is not true entirely. A pedestrian cannot enter the crosswalk until it is safe to cross. Once it is safe to cross and you start to cross you have the right of way. If there is a pedestrian crosswalk signal you only have the right of way when it says you do.

So no, they don’t have to stop just because you walk out into the crosswalk, you have to wait until it is safe before you try.

It’s a common mistake, you are not alone. But if you are going to rant, you might want to get the law straight first.

cheers

And so I called him a condescending prick.

And then this morning this was there and I don’t know why I’m putting all this here because you could go to the comments section from yesterday’s post and read it all yourselves but anyway, here:

Hmmmm, if information offends you…I guess. I just would have guessed from the tone of what you write you could handle bluntness. You call people “cunt” just for not saying hello. Get over yourself.

Okay SERIOUSLY?

And I’m not writing this so you guys will go over there to fuck him up because

A. He doesn’t deserve the traffic and the attention. There are 550 of you coming here, that’s right playas I see you!, every day and I’m not willing to share you with people who don’t play nice and worship the Queen.
B. His blog is the most self important bunch of bizzaro crap I’ve ever seen. There’s nothing to even comment on.
C. This isn’t really even about him and his stupid comment. I’m just using it as an example.

There’s a bigger picture here.

Last week we had this lady:

Wow. I thought I’d see what one of the “hottest mommy bloggers” was writing about. I guess I am officially shocked at the extreme irreverence. I’m not bible-thumping or anything - but I don’t get it. This is funny? This is intelligent? This is just plain sad.

I’m not really sure what shocked her the most, the Jesus watching porn thing, or that Jesus pooper scoops his own lawn and doesn’t make St. Francis of Assisi do it instead, but it doesn’t matter because I actually was happy that someone finally took offense to something. It’s about damn time. I write some pretty offensive shit. So I said:

denise- I love you!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING!!!! Without people like you, being irreverent just wouldn’t be nearly so much fun. Come back again and bring your friends!

And then after that Chris, Rachel, stoogepie, Kiala, Dingo, Megkathleen, Melissa, and Jesse, and if you did it too and I forgot I’m sorry, all went and kicked her ass for the unprovoked assault. She apologized because she realized it’s rude to attack people on their own blogs.

Now I really don’t mind an opposing opinion. That’s fine by me. It’s the way that people handle things that bothers me. A few months ago, poor Kiala was brutally attacked after she made a JOKE on Twitter. It was awful and I felt terrible for her.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m nervous about the world. Everyone is so angry and looking for someone to shit on. Maybe it’s because they feel so shit on themselves?

I have no idea, but I’m wondering if anyone has a sense of humor anymore.

Except for you good people, I’m thinking there are a lot of folks out there who don’t.

I’m scared, Internet.

Hold me.

What the Fuck is Wrong with People?

Yesterday was my unpaid domestic labor day, which means that I don’t report to a job I actually get paid for.

Weeee!

And so I did my chores and errands and took Girlfriend for a walk to my Grandfather’s house to go and use the pool. Usually it’s a really pleasant walk because there are some beautiful old houses in my neighborhood and I love nothing more than trying to look inside to see if there’s anyone naked in there how it’s decorated. On the way there we passed another pedestrian and I said “good afternoon” and the fucking woman didn’t say “good afternoon” back. She just looked at me and decided not to!
Fine.
Be a cunt.
I don’t care.

And then about a minute later, I reached the crosswalk I had to use to get to Papa’s house. It’s a busy street, but around here, and I don’t know if this is a universal law or whatever because I was totally drunk the day we covered that in driver’s ed, you have to STOP when a pedestrian enters the crosswalk.

So I stood there for fucking ever IN THE CROSSWALK, with the baby stroller and the dog and it was just like
zoom…

zoom…

zoom…

As car after car totally ignored the stroller in the crosswalk. And we were hanging out there in danger of being hit until a woman I have seen at the park a few times before stopped for me and waited very patiently as we stood in the middle of the crosswalk in front of her car as cars coming the opposite direction still kept zooming past.

Nobody stopped.

Nobody even slowed down.

I finally got across because there were no other cars coming. She yelled out her window “I can’t believe no one stopped for you!” And I was like “I know it!” and that was that.

Internet, I would like to know WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH PEOPLE???

Do I need to show a little more leg next time I want to cross the street?

Seriously.

It’s always like this around here. My mother is blind and uses a cane so it’s pretty damn obvious that she can’t see but when she tries to cross the street, people honk and YELL AT HER! They don’t stop, they don’t slow down, they abuse her. And my step mom fell while walking her dog and nobody stopped to help her. She was on the ground for 20 minutes crying for help and people just slowed down to stare at her. A 90 year old woman finally noticed her and came out of her house to help her. And nobody stops to let little old ladies cross the street except me. I always stop for the grannies. It’s called being decent.

So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to install one of these in my car

And any time I see some crazy fucktard douchebag asshat I’m gonna burn the motherfucker.

HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Any other ideas?

I’m on a fucking crusade bitches.

And Now I Shall Save Jesus

A friend said to me recently that she was going to have to miss church this coming Sunday and that made her feel happy which made her feel sad and guilty because a good Christian shouldn’t be happy about missing church.

And I told her that it would probably be ok and that I didn’t think Jesus would care if she missed just one Sunday.

Everyone knows I’m a godless whore who doesn’t know crap about this Jesus stuff, but if I were Jesus I think I’d be annoyed having everyone coming over to the house every damn Sunday all. day. long.

When does Jesus do his laundry?

When does he have time to kick back with a brewski and bag of Doritos and watch some great new porn?

Never.

And he must be all “go home people! Quit coming here! I have no time to myself and I have like a ton of shit to do!”

And the Jesus peoples are all “Jesus we love you! We want to come over and eat your stale bread and drink your inferior quality wine!”

Seriously. They serve the worst food at church.

Cooking is not a talent of Jesus’s.

It must be really frustrating because in addition to what must be a rather difficult work week, he still has to deal with all his own stuff like pooper scooping the lawn, because I assume Jesus has a dog, and washing dishes. And then on Monday he’s still got to deal with some wars here and there and some cleansing of ethnic peoples over there and then there’s the guy who thinks it’s cool to drive up and down Crissy’s street on a dirt bike at 1am to smote.

Or is it smite?

And thusly the lord smited him?

And the lord smoted him?

I don’t know. They both sound weird.

Anyway. You get my point, right?

I mean really.

Poor Jesus.

It sucks to be him.

So I’m doing Jesus a favor today, even though he didn’t ask because I’m magnanimous like that, and I’m asking all of his flock of peoples to stay home this Sunday.

Do it so Jesus can finally wash the blood stains out of his loin cloth and maybe go shopping for a new thorny crown and a pair of sweet leather flip flops.

Who’s with me?

Everybody Wants One

Before I tell you what this post is about today you should know that I decided to keep the name Crissy’s Page because your responses were overwhelmingly in favor of it. Apparently the cutesy dorkishness of the name is in such contrast to the vulgar whore behind it that it pleases you.

Fine.

But some of you had some great suggestions and you deserve a shout out :

Beef Johnson’s Circus- rs27
Dirty Blonde- Lynne
Double Jointed Vagina- stoogepie
My Husband Watches a lot of Porn- Melissa Lion
Free Money- lacochran
Donkey Punching and More! - Morgetron

So thanks people.

Okay, on to the post!

So I really want my bike but I don’t have the scratch right now so I had an idea.

You guys are going to buy these tee shirts

with Crissyspage.com written on the back or else I’ll not like you any more.

People will think Crissy’s Page is a mom porn site but fuck them for being dirty birds.

I’ve discovered that you can get these all over the place but why would you do that when you can buy one from Crissy and help her get her dream machine and watch hours of videos of her falling off her bike riding it in circles in her driveway and then down the street and back a little until she gets the courage to leave her neighborhood.

So before I buy a bunch of these shirts and then get stuck giving them to everyone and my grandfather because no one wanted one, who wants one?

Shoot me an email or a comment below and I will decide if this is another one of my brilliant ideas or if I really need to stop smoking the crack.

It was actually my neighbor’s idea, not Michelle’s but her husband Rich’s, so maybe Rich and I will both need to stop hitting the pipe while our children run naked and dirty in the street eating garbage play nicely together in the back yard.

Maybe I’ll even have thongs and boxer briefs and onezies and bumper stickers and mouse pads and wine glasses and all kinds of other stuff too.

What’s cool?

I have no idea.