So Crissy counted the votes and the “yes! Crissy should have a baby because tales of her vomiting at Target will entertain the Internet” votes are just a little bit ahead of the “Of course Crissy should not have a baby because babies are boring” votes. Sadly, it seems that Mister is on the No side and if you read through the comments from yesterday you’ll see he has devised an elaborate plan involving dipping his balls in scalding hot water to prevent any second babies from happening.

And so it seems Queefs that we are still on the fence about the whole baby or not baby thing. Maybe Crissy will go to the Dollar Depot and purchase a Magic 8 Ball and ask it whether or not she should have a baby.

And if Mister does not cooperate with Crissy she will just have to go to stud and so she will be taking applications for Stud Service. Had she known that Mister would be so dead set against the plan then she would have perhaps propositioned the representative from National Grid who recently came to install a new wireless gas meter to Crissy’s basement natural gas dispensing device thingy.

All Crissy could think about when Brown Sugar was in her basement is the hide-a-bed inside her sofa and how the finished basement room in her house was perfect for shooting naughty Jungle Fever films and he looked very strong and could probably lift her onto the bar and that she’d call the video Crissy and the Chocolate Lovah and Crissy won’t lie to you Queefs. He smelled sweet and spicy and his skin looked smooth and creamy like a Lindt chocolate truffle and Crissy just wanted to lick him up and down and all over and –

Wait.

Crissy forgot what she was talking about…

So aaanyhotblackmaninthebasement, Crissy is still undecided about the baby but she is very glad that most of the Queefs think it’s a good idea because she would never want to do anything that her loyal subjects disapprove of.

Perhaps she’ll just adopt another dog or maybe Angelina Jolie will give her one of her extra babies or perhaps tell Crissy how she can get a little Mexican house boy instead.

She’ll name him Taco and teach him to speak English by reading to him from the Bartender’s Bible.

It’s September Queefs!

And you know what that means?

It’s the time of the year when Crissy and Mister try to decide whether to have another baby or not.

“Why September?” you ask.

Why not September?

And Crissy will be honest with you. Mister is really sitting more on the no fucking way in Hades will I get you pregnant and I’ll chop my balls off right now if you keep asking me about it woman side of the fence and Crissy is sort of straddling the middle where she at times thinks romantically about the baby and then at times remembers that her first baby is a fire monster and does she really want to have two fire monsters?

Nay, nay Queefs.

Nay, nay.

But Crissy isn’t getting any younger and next year Crissy and Mister will very old indeed and be at risk for having a Downsy baby or a baby with some horrifying issue featurable on the Discovery Channel or whatever and even though the Downsy babies seem very sweet and charming and nice and all, the Crissys would rather have a healthy baby who will eventually grow up and disappoint them bitterly get the fuck out of their house.

And also it means that Crissy will have to have Sexy Time when she doesn’t particularly feel like having Sexy Time and she hates that and she could always just go with a Play Through but she doesn’t really want the baby growing up knowing that he or she was conceived while Mommy watched Ghost Hunters and complained that Daddy was bouncing his butt too high and was blocking the tee-vee.

That’s no way to get knocked up. Babies should be conceived in a romantic way during screaming drunken wildness involving approximately 3 midgets and a large black double ended dildo. And the whole thing should be a blur and a month later Crissy should find herself sitting on the side of the bathtub holding a positive pregnancy test and scratching her head because she can’t quite remember how it all went down and she’ll be worried that the baby will be a midget with an incredibly large black penis.

That’s a much better story to tell the baby as it involves people his/her size.

And what will happen to the blog? When will Crissy find time for the blog? Crissy barely has time for it now.

And what about Crissy’s booze and pills? Those judgy doctors frown upon the booze and the pills.

And what about all the cool clothes Crissy just got at Savers? Who will wear the purple Ralph Lauren blazer?

And who will take care of the baby? Certainly not Crissy!

And most importantly, what if the baby comes out not pretty?

So September is a month of negotiations and Crissy is ovulating in a couple of weeks and so we have two weeks to decide if we will make a go of it this month or not but just in case, Crissy is looking for suggestions for some good porn titles.

Particularly ones involving short people (not children, short people).

It seems appropriate for the occasion.

Infomercials

Crissy wants anything she sees on the infomercials because when she wakes up at the vag crack of dawn every day, that’s all that’s on. And you tend to be gullible at 5am. At least Crissy does.

And now Crissy has a hanerking, a desire, a yearnin’ for the following products which are certain to improve her life in ways she never imagined possible.

First up are these little beauties:

Because Crissy does not think her fiber cereal is doing enough to help her clean her colon so it’s either this stuff or a pipe cleaner. Mister has already generously volunteered the use of his-oh forget it! Let’s just say that Crissy would rather use the Dual Action Colon Cleansing System than take it in the pooper. She only does that on Very Special Nights.

Oh! And I want this!

If this shit can make me look as awesome as Jane Seymore does after having eleventy billion kids and an acting career that spans like, centuries, then sign me up bitch! I’ll take two!

And how can I live without this for another second?

It takes baby powder off the floor in a Jiffy! And look how happy she is! She’s just all “I’m a cleanin’, uh-huh, with my shark-y, oh ye-ah, and you don’t have one, na-uh, cuz you su-uck.” I don’t want to suck. I want to STEAM! Because I never roll around on the floor like I should and it’s only cuz it isn’t Shark Steam Mop clean!

And I don’t know when I’ll find the time to watch this, but I still want it.

Does it not look fucking hilarious? I think it even comes with a Martini and a Lucky Strike. How can you go wrong Queefs?

You can’t.

You cannot go wrong with the Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.

And just in case I ever get The Acne I’ll have to have a supply of this on hand:

It’s glamorous because all the slightly crazy celebrities like Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jessica Simpson and I think Britney Spears use it. Not that Britney Spears is only slightly crazy. She’s a fucking giant Super Size bag of crazy, but you know. Her skin is okay.

Ugh. So many things that I want, you guys.

This is exactly why Crissy does not watch QVC. No matter how tempting it is to shop from her bed, she will not allow herself to do it because once Crissy has tasted paradise you will never hear from her again and she will become one of those pathetic trailer park ladies sitting in her brown and gold plaid Barcalounger with a Misty hanging out of her mouth and a can of Natural Light in her hand at 5am.

She’s not that far from it now…

Welcome Intertrons!

(I’m trying to think of a good name for you guys. Forgive me while I try a few things out.)

Anyhoot, Welcome to Crissy Wants Week!™

We haven’t done a theme week in ages and it’s high time we get back in business around here. I want no more pussying around with random crap. We’re going to beat shit to death from now on.

Or at least for this week we will.

Crissy wants so many things, you guys.

So. Many. Things.

And today I would like to tell you about how Crissy wants Mister to stop embarrassing her in front of her friends because he’s always doing it and it drives her nuts.

For example, this weekend we were having a lovely time with the neighbors and having a few drinkies and ridiculing and laughing at our children enjoying watching our children play together when Mister comes running into the room with a packet of Gas-X and excitedly exclaims “Crissy! Look! I found more of your Gas-X! I knew you couldn’t have gone through that much of it already!”

Now you Intertubbies know that Crissy’s life is pretty much an open book, but seriously?

Do people need to know that Crissy gets The Gas sometimes?

Not The Farting, but The Gas.

Crissy is far too much the delicate flower to have The Farting.

It’s her fiber cereal that does it and by the end of the day it combines with her healthy vegetarian and fruititarian diet and it makes her tummy a little, ahem, ENORMOUS and she feels like she’s carrying a baby beluga in her belly and so she needs a little help to feel better.

But she doesn’t need Mister telling everyone about it.

He might as well have come running into the room with a box of this:

or a box of this

or something.

(Note to the Cybernets: Crissy has neither The Crotch Rot nor The Hemorrhoids. These products are merely examples of the kinds of things Mister might use to humiliate her in front of her friends.)

And while we’re at it, I would also like to request that Mister stop telling people things like, “Crissy isn’t feeling good today. She’s on her period.” or “Crissy can’t come to the phone right now, she’s taking a shadooie.” I just think the QOFE’s proper functions should be shared on a need to know basis only.

So that is my want for today and if Mister doesn’t lock it up, I’m going to be forced to tell the QUEEFS (OMFG!! I’m totally calling you guys QUEEFS from now on!) about how he likes to keep light bulbs and cans of soda and things up his bum.

well, first off, realize that this is NOT crissy posting today.

no, you weren’t warned that there would be a guest poster.

no, crissy is not dead in some kind of freak accident.

nor is she in jail, as some might be wondering.

she is just feeling burned out.

i can’t say that i blame her–i have no idea how she comes up with something new to post about every single day. occasionally (like today) it actually causes her stress, which is kind of ironic.

only americans can turn hobbies into sources of stress…

anywho, she was just about ready to just not post anything. and that’s fine–i think every once in a while it’s probably good to take a step back and breathe a little and forget about the crazy internet world.

well, for a few minutes at least. i’ve got a blackberry.

but then i figured i’d put SOMETHING up here instead of just leaving the tens of people wondering WTF happened.

my wife and i have had a lot of fun making videos, some of which are lost in the archives, probably never to be seen again. i thought that would be a shame (especially of the ones where she’s shaking that sweet milfy ass of hers) so i figured i’d do something about it: i went back and tagged the posts which had homemade video content. because of my hard work and l33t hax0r 5|<1llz, you can see them all by simply clicking here: http://crissyspage.com/tag/video.

for the epically lazy, you can also go straight to the vids (all hosted on youtube) by following this link: http://www.youtube.com/profile_videos?user=ride5000

although if you do that you won’t get some of the lovely, carefully crafted backstory behind each vid, and i shall frown disapprovingly at you. maybe repeatedly. and i shall think to myself, “what a pussy.” and then i’ll fart into my cupped hand and quickly move it right to your face so you really get a sense of who i am…

a giver.