Crissy is sort of taking a day off today but not really because our new bloggy lover, Arjewtino, (Crissy doesn’t know if Arjewtino minds taking a gentile as a lover but I’m sure he’ll let her know) asked her to write a guest post about the humiliations of growing up female. Crissy felt all sorts of special that he picked her for the assignment and it touched her in a very private place and so she jumped at the chance and it only took her like 3 weeks to get around to writing it.

And oh the fun she had! And now she feels like she should go back into therapy but whatever.

It was worth it.

And on another note, Crissy would like to say that the Blogger’s Choice thing is coming to an end and we should know who won very shortly and then Crissy will shut. up. Sadly though, her TOP THREE (!) status has been sending her so much traffic that the webhost cannot handle it.

Fucking pussies. What the hell are they doing over there anyway?

So yeah. Because of all the riffraff coming over here ( Just kidding. Hi new Queefs! Welcome! Enjoy! Just don’t leave your beer bottles and empty dime bags all over the place mmmkay?) Crissy is hard to visit these days.

So come see her over at Arjewtino’s place.

Knock before you come in though.

We might be naked!

Crissy has caught the Monkey Plague from Girlfriend and spent most of the weekend in Bedfordshire doing this:

And the Biggest Pussy Ever is really irritated because Girlfriend takes up so much space in the bed that he is forced to sleep on the very edge so that he doesn’t get any ugliness of the human on him. And he’s been eating Crissy’s plants and barfing them up in inconvenient places like under the dining room table and in Crissy’s shoes (not the cute ones everyone loved last week) just to punish her for the invasion of his daytime sleeping place.

He’s such a bitch sometimes.

Anyway this all means that Crissy didn’t really have a chance to prepare another genius, brilliant, fantastic, astoundingly smart and funny post for you today because of all the wheezing and sleeping and the sore throating and the whining at Mister that she did that took up the bulk of her weekend.

And so Crissy is never one to post OPF (Other People’s Funny) but today that is what she is doing because it is Monday and she is just now joining the land of the living and the breathing.

Ta-Da!

Click to make it bigger so you can read it. Don’t be lazy Queefs.

You know how people ask you this annoying question: “if you could have lunch with anyone in the world, who would it be?” And you’re supposed to pick someone really impressive and shit like Dali Lama or Obama or Oprah or Toonces the Driving Cat or somebody like that?

Well Crissy picks whoever wrote that crap up there. Everyone else is useless to her.

Crissy went on a little bit of a shopping spree on Saturday sans Girlfriend and it was glorious. She was able to try on clothes without spending the entire time arguing with Girlfriend about getting out of the stroller (she peed under a rack at Old Navy once and Crissy had to use a Clearance sweater to mop it up. It’s okay though because the sweater was u.g.l.y.) or searching her bag for a cup of juice, a bag of bunny crackers, or her beloved die cast Thomas the Tank Engine.

And Crissy got a bunch of essential things like pants for work and her first pair of skinny jeans since 1986 and she’d show you pictures but you really don’t give a rat’s ass and also Crissy got some things she’s needed for a while but just put off getting.

Like these little Sockettes, for example:

They’re actually called shoe liners but Crissy thinks Sockettes is better. Try saying it.

Sockettes.

Now try it with an Outrageous French Accent.

Sockettes! Awhuhuhuhaw!

See?

Fun.

For the uninitiated, these little jobbies are meant to be worn in lieu of socks so that the wearer can look stylishly sock-less whilst her tootsies stay warm and dry and comfy all day long.

They’re supposed to HIDE in the shoe.

As in not visible.

They are the most bullshit product ever made.

Granted the ones pictured above are not the ones Crissy bought. She got the Target brand ones but really they’re the same thing and Crissy was sooo excited about her new Sockettes that she rushed home to try them out with all her favorite shoes and this is what happened:

FAIL.

Big. Giant. Fail.

So Crissy has decided that what she will do instead is just go the opposite direction and just wear the loudest, most obvious socks she can find.

These are rather nice…

Puet sucez mon pénis, Sockettes.

Awhuhuhuhaw!

The lovely people at Coach know that Crissy loves her fun and colorful mommy purses and so whenever they have a new fabulousness coming out they shoot her an email because they know it will make her hate her life by showing her another beauteous thing she cannot have. And it makes them feel very happy and superior and snotty.

And here is the latest.

It’s the Sabrina bag from the new Madison collection and it’s only $358.

It’s practically free when you think about it.

And Crissy likey.

Crissy wanty.

Crissy whines but Mister no buy-y no matter how much Crissy promises the suck-y fuck-y.

He just goes on and on about oil and food and something about winter and tits freezing off and Crissy puts her fingers in her ears and shouts “lalalalalalalalala! I can’t hear you boring man!”

Sigh.

You Queefs know how much Crissy loves her bags don’t you?

Remember this one?

And how much Crissy loved it?

And do you know what Crissy found in that dark abyss when she cleaned it out yesterday Queefs?
No?
Well, she will tell you because Crissy finds her purse contents fascinating.

• 1 umbrella
• wallet containing receipts but no money.
• coupon organizer with no coupons in it because Crissy can never remember to bring them.
• Life organizer with like three things written in it from January when Crissy swore she would become someone who is organized and writes her appointments down in a calendar instead of on scraps of paper which promptly get lost and leave Crissy apologizing to Dr. office staff personnel for missing the appointment and please do not charge her $25 for being a moron.

(ahem…)

• kleenex
• Sally beauty supply membership card
• ginger candy she put in her bag for her pregnant friend Jennifer to help with the puking but Jennifer had the baby already (it’s a BOY!) and Crissy never got it to her. Maybe next time.
• one plastic tube thing of honey
• one partially eaten strawberry Cow’s Tail
• 2 lipsticks. I Mary Kay lipstick in Shell down to a tiny nub (Hi Rachel! Consider this my order for more Shell)
• 1 sample size tube of concealer because you never know when you’re going to have to conceal a gun or a knife or an eight ball of coke or something.
• keys. duh.
• sunglasses. double duh.
• 1 grape Fruitabu
• gum. Crissy has a very serious gum addiction
• 3 pens including one with a frog wearing boxing gloves and when you press the buttons he punches you.
• Princess Jasmine panties
• Old navy khaki shorts size 3T
• one hair elastic
• one hair clip
• One My Little Pony
• Chuck E. Cheese tokens
• 16 gum wrappers
• unidentifiable dirt like substance

And so what if Crissy treats her purse like a dumpster?

If she had her new Sabrina bag she wouldn’t do that.

She swears it.

So you guys are going to chip in and get it for her right?

If everyone donates a dollar, and Crissy has more readers than 358 every day so not everyone would have to (Crissy is looking at YOU, Cheapy Cheapingtons. She bets you haven’t voted yet either), then she could have her Sabrina and everyone would be happy.

RIGHT???

huh? HUH???

Who’s with Crissy?

WOOT?

woot?

And then the Crissys came across the third and final bizarre site just off the Equestrian trails at Schmuckytown Woods this past Sunday as if you guys didn’t know where the Crissys went this weekend by now. Crissy promises she will shut. up. about the fucking woods already after this.

It’s like she’s never been before. wtf?

Anyway, here it is:

What the hell?

It was a tree decorated with beads and feathers and angels and all kinds of random crap.

And contrary to what Crissy thought it was not even a memorial for some poor dead Woodland Gay or anything.

And the rocks around the bottom of it had stuff written on them too. The handwriting was different on all of them and Crissy is certain that at some point in the very recent past a bucket full of crazy was poured on this poor tree and it’s surrounding woodland accoutrements.

Wait. Is that a kabbalah string hanging from that stick?

Also, as evidenced by the rainbow flag, they are clearly Woodland Gay friendly.

Here are the rocks Crissy mentioned:

And one rock that you maybe can’t see here said that if Crissy needs a miracle she should take a leaf but Crissy is all stocked up on crazy at the moment so she didn’t take one.

But do you Queefs think there might be some of those Miracle leaves left because Crissy’s thinking that maybe she should have taken one anyway just in case the coo-coo for coco puffs crazy people are right.

It’s the same feeling of self doubt that she gets when she deletes all those emails that say “if you don’t forward this to ten friends in the next 5.2 seconds your head will turn to lime jello and start to smell like fish.”

What if it actually happens?