It’s always better to post something rather than nothing, so this is part one in a two part series I call
“What Crissy Does All Day, Pretty Much.”
This is Facebook chat, btw.
There’s a poll at the bottom. You should do it or whatever.
Lynne: 5:27pm you still at work beeotch?
Me:5:28pm I am. I’m chatting with Deb and Rachel and you. I am popular. i was bored, but I’m not anymore.
Lynne: 5:28pm I’m chatting with deb too! You are fucking popular did you blog that comment thread?
Me: 5:29pm what a whore she is!
Lynne: 5:29pm she likes me better
Me: 5:29pm No. I didn’t blog it. I can’t blog from here. It doesn’t save. No she doesn’t.
Lynne: 5:29pm oh well fuck that noise tell elaine you have to go home early to blog it she does too she told me specifically that she likes me better she said “I like you better than Kristen”.
Me: 5:31pm She did not because she told me she likes me better than you.
Lynne: 5:32pm She told me she told you that but she said she was lying to you
Me: 5:32pm I gave her a breast pump. What did you give her? I thought so.
Lynne: 5:32pm I gave her a reason to live
Me: 5:32pm Hahahahahaha
Lynne: 5:32pm beat that bitch
Me: 5:33pm I can’t. You win.
Lynne: 5:33pm I always do what time you outa that hellhole?
Me: 5:33pm 6:00 I just asked deb straight out who she likes more.
Lynne: 5:33pm did you accomplish anything today? she will lie to you she told me she would
Me: 5:34pm hahahaha I accomplished nothing today as per my usual work ethic.
Lynne: 5:34pm she just told me she likes me better
Me: 5:34pm She’s also chatting with Joanne. maybe she likes her better than she likes both of us.
Lynne: 5:34pm she doesn’t, she likes me she just told me joanne must have defriended my ass because I don’t see her
Me: 5:35pm You use disgusting language. That’s why.
Lynne: 5:35pm oh, is that it? i defriended that person today because she supports some “one man, one woman” group
Me: 5:36pm Fuck her.
Lynne: 5:36pm i’m going to go have lesbian sex on her front lawn just for that
Me: 5:37pm Ooooo! I will help!
Lynne: 5:37pm ok, you can be my lesbian sex partner
Me: 5:37pm Or paint her car with a lezzie sex scene and write “slut mobile” on it.
Lynne: 5:37pm yes!
Me: 5:37pm i dare say the car painting is more painful You can look away from the sex on the lawn, but you have to deal with the car.
Lynne: 5:38pm we could paint the car and then have sex on it
Me: 5:38pm That would be pretty good.
Lynne: 5:39pm and yet chilly
Me: 5:39pm And have someone film it and send the film to her mom.
Lynne: 5:40pm photoshop her face on one of ours so her mom thinks shes a lez
Me: 5:41pm I think we have a plan…
Lynne: 5:41pm a caper even
Me: 5:41pm We’ve been looking for one of those!
Lynne: 5:41pm i know, finally! a lesbian caper even Sue is online too, we could drag her lesbian ass into this too
Me: 5:42pm she’s not even almost a lesbian.
Lynne: 5:42pm yea, i guess, plus she’s in Florida and we can’t wait
Me: 5:42pm no. this requires swift action.
Lynne: 5:43pm it’s almost an emergency
Me: 5:43pm hahahaha do I have to shave or are hairy lesbians better?
Lynne: 5:44pm hmmm im not sure about that google that maybe there’s a poll online about whether hairy lesbians are more popular oh, now jenn is online and i see joanne, she didn’t defriend me whew!
Me: 5:45pm I will pose this question to the internet.
Lynne: 5:45pm maybe you could do a poll on your blog do you have many lesbian followers? Besides Ash.
Me: 5:45pm I think I will!
Me: 5:46pm I have hippy lesbian followers. Remember the free birthers?
Lynne: 5:46pm oh yes. you offended them once as I recall
Me: 5:47pm I did, but not too badly. They know they’re weird.
Lynne: 5:47pm that’s important to be aware of your own dementedness
Me: 5:48pm I know all about my dementedness. That’s why I have Monica. I’m chatting with 4 people! This is a record!
Lynne: 5:49pm holy crap! you’re cheating on me with 3 people?
Me: 5:51pm You’re not woman enough for me. Plus, I’m a ho-bag.
Lynne: 5:51pm tell me something I don’t know
Me: 5:51pm I’m so popular tonight! Helen came down to loan me her new CD. (*editorial note: Helen is an adorable and sweet librarian everyone loves. She’s in her 70′s)
Lynne: 5:51pm System of a down?
Me: 5:51pm No. Insane Clown Posse.
Lynne: 5:52pm oh right. that’s her favorite
Me: 5:52pm She’s getting a pic of the band tattooed on her ass.
Lynne: 5:52pm She’s such a rebel.
Me: 5:54pm She secretly drives a motorcycle. You know all those stunts you see on TV where they jump cars and stuff? That’s her.
Lynne: 5:54pm I thought I recognized her once when she took her helmet off! I was right
Me: 5:54pm yes. 5:55pm I admire her 5:55pm She totally looks like Hilda that muppet.
Lynne: 5:55pm totally
Me: 5:55pm http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/Hilda I showed it to her once. She didn’t laugh.
Lynne: 5:55pm LOL!!!! She does look like her
Me: 5:56pm She’s adorable. It’s like they made the puppet to look like her.
Lynne: 5:56pm She didn’t appreciate that?
Me: 5:56pm yes and no.
Lynne: 5:57pm I wish the would make a muppet of me. its a dream of mine
Me: 5:57pm hahahahaha I want to have my own barbie.
Lynne: 5:57pm that would be nice too!
Me: 5:57pm it would wear schlubby library clothes and have bags under her eyes
Lynne: 5:58pm hahahahahaha
Me:5:58pm and her boobs would leak. And she’d come with a huge bag of tampons
Lynne: 5:58pm that would be a big seller! Mine would come with slim fast and an office chair. She’d get randomly fat and skinny she’d also come with cake maybe a bonus easy bake oven
Me: 5:59pm Instead of growing hair, she’d have a growing ass.
Me: 6:00pm I just posted it as my facebook status.
Lynne: 6:00pm hahahaha this chat is pretty fucking funny
Me: 6:01pm We are always funny. What are you even talking about?
Lynne: 6:01pm I don’t know, I lost my mind
Me: 6:01pm I think we’re tired.
So basically what this conversation reveals are two very important questions:
2. If you were a Barbie, what accessories would you come with?
Here’s mine as illustrated by my friend, The Other Kristin:
PS: Tomorrow we’ll see Mister get involved in the action. That’s right. It’s a threesome just like the Three Stooges except with better haircuts and bigger boobs.