Crissy

Alice + Frank: A Love Story

So I let Alice out for her morning pee pee and who’s in the yard but this guy:

No, it’s not another Jehovah Witness. It’s Frank.

And if you’re not familiar with Frank, click here.

After that do try to keep up with us here, people.

Despite Mister’s best efforts to pee all over the yard in an attempt to scare Frank away, the varmint remains undeterred. In fact, I think Frank is a peeaphile because he’s still coming by for snacks every day.

He got my mint.

And my chives.

The little sonofabitch.

And Alice knows full well that we’re mad at Frank and so what does she do?

Chase him?

Bark at him and tell him “GO HOME FRANK!”?

Nay, nay.

She walks right up to him and ESKIMO KISSES HIM!!!! (is it still okay to say Eskimo Kissing? I know sitting Indian Style is now criss cross applesauce, so is it Eskimo American Kissing, or do we call it something else? Nosy nosy canoodle? Help me.)

Why not just let him fuck you Alice? And then you two can live happily ever after in a nest down by the pond and raise your little family of mint eating Schnauzerchuck babies.

I mean seriously!

I just paid $40 to have her hair cut yesterday, and she has a vet appointment on Friday at which I will be forced, again, to defend her when the vet tells me she’s “overweight” and I will have to cover her ears to protect her against his insensitive remarks and insist that she’s just fluffy!  and then choke the vet until he concurs and also it will be expensive. You’d think the least she could do is refrain from flirting with garden eating woodland creatures.

Where is the love?  Where is the gratitude Internet?

When there’s no respect for The QOFE, I turn into a cranky pants.

Just sayin’.

Crissy & the Very Bad Day

We had the worst night on Monday.

When I got home from work, Mister was very angry because Alice had gone through the kitchen trash again even though we keep it in a cabinet and even though I give her a tummy yummy to keep her busy when we’re not home.

And then he went upstairs to find that she had also carpet bombed Girlfriend’s room, which never happens.

NEVER.

I’m serious. This dog is a saint.

And she was obviously fucked up on something because she was panting and shaking and looking at her bum like it was some sort of entity she didn’t recognize because that’s what she does when she has The Farting.

So we figured she must have eaten the empty bag of cocaine coffee filter from the trash and that she has a cocaine Starbucks buzz like you read about. But we weren’t too concerned because we thought it would wear off and she’d be fine.

But no.

Around midnight, Alice was very much not. fine. and was sitting on my head and panting with her whole body so I got out of bed to seek advice from the Internet to weigh her chances of surviving the night sans medical attention as opposed to putting on a bra and driving 45 minutes to pay out the ass at the 24 hour doggie emergency room when she hurled and had explosive swamp ass simultaneously on my foot (!) and all over the only room in the house that still has wall to wall carpeting.

Why do dogs always pick the carpeting?

It was so violent that it scared her so she ran around the room spraying evil from both ends.

It was a lovely experience really and exactly what I wanted to be doing at midnight.

So I snapped on my rubber gloves and cleaned up the mess with some bleach and paper towels and oh my it was a smell that dare not speak it’s name.

And you know I wasn’t going to let Mister sleep without being informed of current events in the computer room.

So I woke him up and he brought Alice outside while I cleaned and then joined them outside to wait out the storm. She seemed a little better after running around the yard and doing her thang so we all went back to bed and fell asleep.

And then our drunken friend called to tell us George Carlin died.

Yes, thank you but he’ll still be dead tomorrow so…yeah you’re a douche.

So we went back to sleep for maybe an hour when Girlfriend falls out of her bed and screams her head off demanding Tinker bell band aids and medicine for the pain which were totally unnecessary because she landed on her feet when she “fell” about a foot and a half to the floor.

Yeah.

We’re nothing without high drama around here.

That’s just how we roll.

And then she demanded to sleep in our bed and knee and elbow us all night.

And then we were out of coffee in the morning.

I was so groggy in the shower that when I went to put shampoo in my hair I missed and put it in my left eye instead. As if that wasn’t irritation enough, when I was soaping up my bath poofy I splashed body wash into the same damned eye so I walked around all day with a stingy red crack whore eye.

It’s a look I sport quite often actually.

Once out of the shower I noticed that the house still smelled of last night’s doggie pukeapalooza and upon investigation discovered more issues under my nightstand. And under my bed. And in my closet.

Having finally cleaned up what I thought was the last of the shit or barf or whateverthefuck it was I head downstairs to make breakfast and I find what?

More shitbarf.

On the couch.

Freaking. Sweet.

So I cleaned that up too and headed off to bring Girlfriend to her 3 year doctor’s checkup. She did great and didn’t tell the doctor to fuck off even once and I even overheard the doctor say to her nurse “kids like her are the reason I went into this field. She just made my day. She’s just adorable.”

I’ve never been more proud.

And then we left with our prescription for a lead screening blood test but apparently our stop off at the potty was enough to make me forget that the blood lab is downstairs and upon exiting the potty I marched us right back up to the window at the pediatrician’s office and presented them with the slip for the blood lab.

The receptionist was very polite and didn’t really judge me much and directed me downstairs.

“Oh, right. I knew that. How stupid of me…”

Jesus Kristen!

So we got through the blood lab and Girlfriend received 2 stickers and a giraffe band aid for being so brave and I got nothing even though I cried twice and almost passed out.

Once I got out to the car I realized I didn’t have my sunglasses.

So I went back to the pediatrician’s office with my crack eye still stinging like a motherfucker to see if anyone had turned them in.

The receptionist who clearly has prior experience working with the retarded, the infirmed, and the drug addicted just looked at me, patted her head, and said “do they look like the ones on your head?”

Oh.

So we made a couple of quick stops and came home with a special treat for lunch for both Girlfriend and for mommy for being brave at the blood lab and found out that the entire house smells like a diarrhea swimming pool.

It’s funny how you don’t notice a stench until you’ve been away from it for a while.

It’s also funny how when you’re totally focused on your child you don’t notice that your eye is fucked up.

Upon investigation in the mirror I noticed that my still stingy crack eye had apparently leaked yucky goo that I must have wiped across my face inadvertently and it had dried on in a lovely cumshotesque pattern down my cheek.

I’ll be expecting that call from both the ASPCA and Child Services any moment now…

Happy Together

Needless to say that our lives changed when the baby came. Having a newborn to take care of is a lot of work and it’s the reason why I don’t know if I want to have another baby or just get another dog instead.

You laugh, but I’m on the serious.

Besides, I don’t know if I’m strong enough to go without the booze and the pills for another year and a half. (that’s pregnancy + nursing, people. My math skills aren’t that fucked.)

Not only did I have a destroyed vaginal (thanks Megkathleen) but I was sooo tired. Look at my eyes:

See? Tie-yid.

That’s what a baby does for you, but I was also blissed out. That’s what Oxytocin from breastfeeding does for you and you barely notice how different life has suddenly become. You’re just trying to keep the little sucker alive and for fuck’s sake how many diapers do these kids go through in a day!?!

And Mister and I weren’t the only ones whose lives changed drastically. You’re looking at a picture of two little dogs who should be holding on to their hats because shit is about to get interesting.

The cute little teddy bear dog on the left in the picture is Martha. She was my baby before the baby. I used to carry her around on my hip just like a baby and she’d put her arms around my neck and rest her head on my shoulder. She was a sweet dog, but also a crazy little vicious asshole. You don’t hear about her because about one year ago today-ish, Martha turned on Girlfriend and shredded her face with her teeth and claws and left her with a permanent scar on her cheek. We had to feed her to a pack of angry Rottwilers give her to a little old lady with no grandchildren.

But Alice is there standing sentinel like she always does because she’s a good egg.

Moments after this picture was taken, the following doggie conversation took place:
Martha: Have we determined what this thing is yet?
Alice: Maybe you should sniff its ass. Maybe there’s a clue there.
Martha: They won’t let me near the thing. What the hell is it?
Alice: I don’t know. It kind of freaks me out though. I might hide until it goes away.
M: I think we should pee on its stuff, you know, to send a message.
A: You do that. I think I’ll go hide under the bed.
M: Maybe I’ll try to eat it.
A: That’s a stupid idea. How do you even know it’s edible. You do what you want and let me know how it turns out.
M: Maybe I’ll just wait until it’s vulnerable and then I’ll kick its ass!
A: Ummmm, sure. Good luck.

See? Good egg.

She wanted no part in Martha’s evil scheming.

And now poor Alice takes a lot of punishment from the baby and if there’s anyone out there considering getting a dog or a cat for their little one I urge you DON’T DO IT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL HER SMALL CREATURES! Alice gets her ass handed to her all day long, every day. But she puts up with it, god bless her, because she doesn’t want to go and live with Martha and also because Girlfriend usually leaves a trail of yummy treats behind her.

And I know Girlfriend adores her some Alice burger (that’s what I call her. Alice burger. shut up.) because when we drop Alice off at the groomer, Girlfriend goes coo-coo for coco puffs and hits and kicks and cries because she doesn’t want to leave her with strangers.

“Mommy! You’re disgusting, you’re A Disgusting! I want Alice! Aaaaallliiiccceee!”

So here, I leave you with this: a story of compromise, a story of love:

4:20PM

How to Piss Off Your Kitty-Cat Using Sticks and Paper and Tape