HI! Oh Hiiiiii!!! It’s me – Kiala from Face of the Cookie!!!!

I am so excited to be here! Just, oh! SO EXCITED.

What? It’s what time where you are? Noon?

Well, okay, yes, I’m a little late yes. Ahem. Er. Ha.

Okay.

Look, I don’t know if you know but I have to be Crissy today and I am just not used to getting up so early and doing yoga and eating Fiber One cereal (that one task alone took up a good 45 minutes of my morning if you know what I mean). After that was over, I couldn’t wait to take my Crissy shower, HOWEVER, in the middle of putting on the blonde wig and getting undressed, Dane came in and well…um…let’s just say the idea of getting clean with a hot blonde librarian took that 10 minute shower to a whole new level.

To an ELEVEN minute shower..if you know what I mean.

Soooo, anyhooters, when that was over we went down to the basement to set up our photoshoot. Our apartment building doesn’t really have a basement, per se, so we had to use the lobby area. It has a fireplace. And coffee. And a concierge.

It was a little awkward.

Also, Dane was a bit flummoxed by my calling him Ken and asking him questions every five minutes like, “Ken, does this thong make my butt look awesome?” and “Ken, can you be a dear and skip down to the Starbucks? Crissy needs her green tea something terrible”.

Also, we had problems with some of the props.

The Barbies kept breaking. Probably because I was stepping on them with my bare feet and let me tell you, that shit hurts like a motherfucker.

Am I allowed to swear here?

(EVERYTHING IS SO ORANGE RIGHT NOW)

Anyway, the concierge was a dream and helped with the lighting and bra strap adjustment and wig placement and everything was turning out just really, really swell and then suddenly one of the geriatric residents of our building came swooping in on her motorized scooter and knocked my green tea over and the film was ruined.

I cried.

(SERIOUSLY, WHY IS EVERYTHING SO ORANGE? IS IT JUST ME?)

And Dane/Ken held me and said soothing things in my ear about klonopin and vodka and short shorts and babies and I knew everything was going to be ok but I was still all swollen in the eye and nose area and my thong was all wet with green tea.

So I called in sick to the Library Place. (I’ve never been to one but it sounds magical).

I think we may be fired.

Sorry Crissy! Enjoy your vacation!

Love,
Kiala

Shhhhhhhh!!! They’re home right now! And the hotties boys are in the garage with the motorcycles. Keep your voices DOWN!!!

Ok, ok, here it is,

Priceless:

On Tuesday, we were all in agreement that the right thing to do is to put a strong pimp hand to the situation and so I did. And I feel much better. And I’m sure you do too.

At age 11 packing up and saving my Barbie dolls for the day when I might have a daughter who’d like to play with them: awww….so sweet.

Having that actually happen: something I’ve been dreaming of for 23 years. (GASP)

Watching my husband play Barbies with my daughter: sniffle…made me cry it’s so cute…

Telling him how much it means to me to see them play Barbies together only for him to admit he likes playing Barbies because it’s the closest he’ll ever come to having a realdoll:

Kick me in the crotch and spit in my hair priceless.

Going through old photos looking for a dorky picture of myself to share with the internetatrons: A somewhat painful trip down Memory Lane.

I swear I was tempted to blackmail myself a few times, but that would have gone nowhere.

Clearly.

Finding pictures and realizing that my thing for the paisans didn’t start with Tony Soprano at all, but in high school with 1st ever boyfriend Tommy Delfino instead:

Priceless!

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Awwwww…so cute.  I was such a little Puttana for that boy. I so almost lost my virginity that night!

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Could I have chosen some larger flowers maybe?  And that dress…ugh! Joan Rivers would have a fucking field day! I mean, is it Halloween or prom? Seriously. 

Anywho, 2 years later we broke up because he had a goomah like any good Italian boy did. But I wasn’t an Italian girl, so I didn’t have to put up with that bullshit.

OMFG! and his family?

Mobbed. Up.

Sshhhh! You don’t want me to get whacked do ya?

And you know I wore red for St. Joseph’s day yesterday, right?

And then I got naked and rolled around in Zeppole.

Don’t tell anyone.

Portable DVD player given to me by generous step-mom for purpose of entertaining child in places where DVD players don’t exist: FREE!!!

All grandparental babysitters sick in the same week leaving me with no childcare whatsoever: bummer

Having a boss that is cool enough to let me bring my kid to work and plop her in front of above DVD player: Priceless!!

Ok. 

So this one was lame. I agree.  I can’t be funny all the time! 

Just think of something else that’s funny and laugh at that instead. 

Mmmkay? 

Happy Thursday everyone!