Just when we thought we were pretty much the classiest bunch of assholes on the Interwebz, we are not, Queefies.

We have been outclassed by this young lady who is clearly a very, very, big fan of mine:

Which one of you guys did that?

WHOSE  FANNY ARE WE LOOKING AT HERE?

I’m touched, really.  I mean, I know you love me, but to express your love and devotion to the QOFE in such a way just…it warms the cockles, really.

I’m overwhelmed.

Thank you, anonymous Queef.

Kisses,

Crissy

PS: Why haven’t any of you other guys done this yet?

DO YOU NOT LOVE ME?  I’m beginning to question your devotion at this point.  Say it loud, say it proud, “I’M A QUEEF!” or at least have it tattooed on your bum.  It’s the least you could do after all the years of entertainment I have provided you.

Wow.

Crissy did it Queefs!

By posting that video yesterday she and Girlfriend singlehandedly managed to get Barack Obama elected for President!

WOOT! WOOT!

Three cheers for CRISSY!

Three cheers for GIRLFRIEND!

AND if that wasn’t enough, she was awake to hear Obama’s speech last night and she cried when his little girls came out to join him on stage.

WHAT?

The QOFE has a tender heart.

That and she did not like his wife’s outfit.  It was a travesty.

Crissy’s dad and grandfather are distraught. They think Obama is going to turn us all into socialists. “He’s going to turn us into France or Canada!”

OH MY GOD THE HORROR!!!!

But Crissy worries about him a little bit. He’s never had such power before and Crissy thinks he needs to call her for some advice. He needs a mentor, really.

Learning how to be the QOFE was not easy and Crissy still makes mistakes sometimes. Not that she’ll ever admit it. That’s just not what Queens do. We assign blame and pass the buck:

“It is not Crissy’s fault she had to go out and spend the mortgage money on designer bedding. It is Mister’s fault for spilling coffee on the old stuff thereby forcing Crissy’s hand. What was she supposed to do? Sleep on a stained bed? It’s unheard of!”

SEE?

Obama. Call Crissy. We’ll talk.

And maybe poor Obama won’t know what to do with all the paparazzi and requests for interviews and the wild monkey sex with interns and the secret service dudes and oh. my. god. the gifts people are sending him!

He’s going to need some help staying grounded like Crissy.

Even though Crissy is QOFE and Hottest Mommy Blogger 2008 she is still Crissy from the Block. She’s still in touch with her Queefs.

She still shaves her twidget several hairs at a time just like everybody else.

She shits rainbows and strawberry ice cream but she never brags about it because she is awesome like that and she doesn’t want to make the Queefs feel bad.

Now if you’ll excuse Crissy she has to go. The Queef line is ringing and she doesn’t want to keep Barack waiting.

There is much to discuss.

The lovely people at Coach know that Crissy loves her fun and colorful mommy purses and so whenever they have a new fabulousness coming out they shoot her an email because they know it will make her hate her life by showing her another beauteous thing she cannot have. And it makes them feel very happy and superior and snotty.

And here is the latest.

It’s the Sabrina bag from the new Madison collection and it’s only $358.

It’s practically free when you think about it.

And Crissy likey.

Crissy wanty.

Crissy whines but Mister no buy-y no matter how much Crissy promises the suck-y fuck-y.

He just goes on and on about oil and food and something about winter and tits freezing off and Crissy puts her fingers in her ears and shouts “lalalalalalalalala! I can’t hear you boring man!”

Sigh.

You Queefs know how much Crissy loves her bags don’t you?

Remember this one?

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And how much Crissy loved it?

And do you know what Crissy found in that dark abyss when she cleaned it out yesterday Queefs?
No?
Well, she will tell you because Crissy finds her purse contents fascinating.

  • 1 umbrella
  • wallet containing receipts but no money.
  • coupon organizer with no coupons in it because Crissy can never remember to bring them.
  • Life organizer with like three things written in it from January when Crissy swore she would become someone who is organized and writes her appointments down in a calendar instead of on scraps of paper which promptly get lost and leave Crissy apologizing to Dr. office staff personnel for missing the appointment and please do not charge her $25 for being a moron.
  • (ahem…)

  • kleenex
  • Sally beauty supply membership card
  • ginger candy she put in her bag for her pregnant friend Jennifer to help with the puking but Jennifer had the baby already (it’s a BOY!) and Crissy never got it to her. Maybe next time.
  • one plastic tube thing of honey
  • one partially eaten strawberry Cow’s Tail
  • 2 lipsticks. I Mary Kay lipstick in Shell down to a tiny nub (Hi Rachel! Consider this my order for more Shell)
  • 1 sample size tube of concealer because you never know when you’re going to have to conceal a gun or a knife or an eight ball of coke or something.
  • keys. duh.
  • sunglasses. double duh.
  • 1 grape Fruitabu
  • gum. Crissy has a very serious gum addiction
  • 3 pens including one with a frog wearing boxing gloves and when you press the buttons he punches you.
  • Princess Jasmine panties
  • Old navy khaki shorts size 3T
  • one hair elastic
  • one hair clip
  • One My Little Pony
  • Chuck E. Cheese tokens
  • 16 gum wrappers
  • unidentifiable dirt like substance

And so what if Crissy treats her purse like a dumpster?

If she had her new Sabrina bag she wouldn’t do that.

She swears it.

So you guys are going to chip in and get it for her right?

If everyone donates a dollar, and Crissy has more readers than 358 every day so not everyone would have to (Crissy is looking at YOU, Cheapy Cheapingtons. She bets you haven’t voted yet either), then she could have her Sabrina and everyone would be happy.

RIGHT???

huh? HUH???

Who’s with Crissy?

WOOT?

woot?

So that whole bird fiasco from last week happened like an hour before we had a couple of friends come over for a dinner party. I was all scared the smell would travel through the house and concentrate itself in the dining room.

Wouldn’t that be a nice way to impress some folks?

“My Crissy, the wine does go well with the chicken. Is that a hint of evil I smell?”

“Why yes it is! Satan wiped his ass on our house!”

But luckily it disappeared rather quickly with a can of Raid and a butt load of bleach. So our house smelled like an exterminator’s swimming pool instead.

Great.

But better than death and assholes, right?

So I thought about cancelling our dinner party for all of like 2.5 seconds, how much longer are we going to grieve for the little guys–we have to move on at some point, and decided to go ahead with the plan.

Everyone had lots of fun, and I’d show you pictures but really if you get all excited when I show up looking SEXY! one day then I know you cannot handle it.

It was that kind of a party.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

No it wasn’t.

You still can’t handle it though.

Anyway, I sort of love to have dinner parties. We do this really fun thing we call Pot of Crap&#153 with our neighbors. Michele makes some crap (only last night she weaseled out and ordered a pizza. Hi Michele!), I make some crap, and I bring it over to their house and we all eat some crap together.

It’s fun and we dirty her dishes and not mine.

I mean it’s win/win, really.

I use a lot of Weight Watchers recipes. They’re all very, very, good but for some reason they sometimes make Mister throw up in his mouth a little bit.

Last night I made this:

It’s Moo Shu Tofu.

But when I told Mister about it he was less than happy. I think he said something like “What the fuck is Moo Shu Tofu? Oh come on! Do I have to eat it too? What’s Michele making?”

It’s vegan, it’s Weight Watchers, it looks like a plate of vomit next to Michele’s pizza, but what’s not to love?

I don’t get it.

Boys are fussy.

I found this purse the other day I was all “I love it!” and Girlfriend was like “don’t buy it mommy. It’s too stupid. I want to go home!”

This worried me a little as usually she is quite the little fashionista and has very good taste, except for all the stuff with Hello Kitty and Elmo on it, but whatever. Everyone has their weaknesses.

She loves these shoes, for example

and she will not take them off, not even to sleep. It’s kind of cute actually, but you see what I’m saying don’t you Internet? Her taste isn’t exactly without it’s hint of the flamboyant and the colorful.

So I bought the bag despite her protest and showed it to Mister when he got home. He looked at it and said “it’s blue.” That’s all he said. Not “that’s nice!” or “wow! Can I borrow that?” Nothing. So I’m guessing everyone hates my new bag, but I love it. It makes me feel Very Fancy and I can shoplift at the grocery store all the live long day fit all the essentials inside it because it is HUGE.

I used it all weekend.

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You’re jealous as hell, aren’t you?

Right?

RIGHT???

Maybe I’ll let you borrow it sometime.