Crissy

A Post in which I Include a Gratutious Number of Pictures of My New Purse

I found this purse the other day I was all “I love it!” and Girlfriend was like “don’t buy it mommy. It’s too stupid. I want to go home!”

This worried me a little as usually she is quite the little fashionista and has very good taste, except for all the stuff with Hello Kitty and Elmo on it, but whatever. Everyone has their weaknesses.

She loves these shoes, for example

and she will not take them off, not even to sleep. It’s kind of cute actually, but you see what I’m saying don’t you Internet? Her taste isn’t exactly without it’s hint of the flamboyant and the colorful.

So I bought the bag despite her protest and showed it to Mister when he got home. He looked at it and said “it’s blue.” That’s all he said. Not “that’s nice!” or “wow! Can I borrow that?” Nothing. So I’m guessing everyone hates my new bag, but I love it. It makes me feel Very Fancy and I can shoplift at the grocery store all the live long day fit all the essentials inside it because it is HUGE.

I used it all weekend.

You’re jealous as hell, aren’t you?

Right?

RIGHT???

Maybe I’ll let you borrow it sometime.

More trying than you could ever imagine.

HI! Oh Hiiiiii!!! It’s me - Kiala from Face of the Cookie!!!!

I am so excited to be here! Just, oh! SO EXCITED.

What? It’s what time where you are? Noon?

Well, okay, yes, I’m a little late yes. Ahem. Er. Ha.

Okay.

Look, I don’t know if you know but I have to be Crissy today and I am just not used to getting up so early and doing yoga and eating Fiber One cereal (that one task alone took up a good 45 minutes of my morning if you know what I mean). After that was over, I couldn’t wait to take my Crissy shower, HOWEVER, in the middle of putting on the blonde wig and getting undressed, Dane came in and well…um…let’s just say the idea of getting clean with a hot blonde librarian took that 10 minute shower to a whole new level.

To an ELEVEN minute shower..if you know what I mean.

Soooo, anyhooters, when that was over we went down to the basement to set up our photoshoot. Our apartment building doesn’t really have a basement, per se, so we had to use the lobby area. It has a fireplace. And coffee. And a concierge.

It was a little awkward.

Also, Dane was a bit flummoxed by my calling him Ken and asking him questions every five minutes like, “Ken, does this thong make my butt look awesome?” and “Ken, can you be a dear and skip down to the Starbucks? Crissy needs her green tea something terrible”.

Also, we had problems with some of the props.

The Barbies kept breaking. Probably because I was stepping on them with my bare feet and let me tell you, that shit hurts like a motherfucker.

Am I allowed to swear here?

(EVERYTHING IS SO ORANGE RIGHT NOW)

Anyway, the concierge was a dream and helped with the lighting and bra strap adjustment and wig placement and everything was turning out just really, really swell and then suddenly one of the geriatric residents of our building came swooping in on her motorized scooter and knocked my green tea over and the film was ruined.

I cried.

(SERIOUSLY, WHY IS EVERYTHING SO ORANGE? IS IT JUST ME?)

And Dane/Ken held me and said soothing things in my ear about klonopin and vodka and short shorts and babies and I knew everything was going to be ok but I was still all swollen in the eye and nose area and my thong was all wet with green tea.

So I called in sick to the Library Place. (I’ve never been to one but it sounds magical).

I think we may be fired.

Sorry Crissy! Enjoy your vacation!

Love,
Kiala

Priceless Thursdays

Shhhhhhhh!!! They’re home right now! And the hotties boys are in the garage with the motorcycles. Keep your voices DOWN!!!

Ok, ok, here it is,

Priceless:

On Tuesday, we were all in agreement that the right thing to do is to put a strong pimp hand to the situation and so I did. And I feel much better. And I’m sure you do too.

Priceless Thursdays

At age 11 packing up and saving my Barbie dolls for the day when I might have a daughter who’d like to play with them: awww….so sweet.

Having that actually happen: something I’ve been dreaming of for 23 years. (GASP)

Watching my husband play Barbies with my daughter: sniffle…made me cry it’s so cute…

Telling him how much it means to me to see them play Barbies together only for him to admit he likes playing Barbies because it’s the closest he’ll ever come to having a realdoll:

Kick me in the crotch and spit in my hair priceless.

Priceless Thursdays

Going through old photos looking for a dorky picture of myself to share with the internetatrons: A somewhat painful trip down Memory Lane.

I swear I was tempted to blackmail myself a few times, but that would have gone nowhere.

Clearly.

Finding pictures and realizing that my thing for the paisans didn’t start with Tony Soprano at all, but in high school with 1st ever boyfriend Tommy Delfino instead:

Priceless!

Awwwww…so cute.  I was such a little Puttana for that boy. I so almost lost my virginity that night!

Could I have chosen some larger flowers maybe?  And that dress…ugh! Joan Rivers would have a fucking field day! I mean, is it Halloween or prom? Seriously. 

Anywho, 2 years later we broke up because he had a goomah like any good Italian boy did. But I wasn’t an Italian girl, so I didn’t have to put up with that bullshit.

OMFG! and his family?

Mobbed. Up.

Sshhhh! You don’t want me to get whacked do ya?

And you know I wore red for St. Joseph’s day yesterday, right?

And then I got naked and rolled around in Zeppole.

Don’t tell anyone.