So Crissy gets to work last night (yes, sometimes Crissy has to go to work at night because some people don’t want to babysit during the day anymore and so Crissy has to wait for Mister to come home to watch Girlfriend and Crissy won’t mention any names of those most unhelpful people but it rhymes with spin-maws and it makes her life suck ass) and when she opened her email something really big happened.

Are you ready for this Queefs?

This is HUGE.

Crissy got an email from Jesus!

YES!!

SHE REALLY DID!!!

He has gmail now!

And it said in the subject line “we will make the serving of your meat much larger” and then the body of the email said, and this is gonna blow your mind and freak your freak Queefs so hold on to your fucking hats,

“it is better to have a decent size than to be wise.”

Right?

Deep huh?

That Jesus really knows what’s up don’t he?

Not a truer word has been spoken, really.

And Crissy is probably going to say something that is not very politically correct here and maybe even hurtful to some people but um..well…size DOES matter.

There. Crissy said it.

Jesus knows it.

Crissy knows it.

And Crissy is so, so sorry to all you guys out there with, ahem, to use Jesus’s terms, a smaller serving of meat but really? Crissy prefers bratwurst to cocktail weenies if ya know what she’s sayin’.

Also, the part about being wise is true too. Crissy used to date a fella named Heath. Her friends called him Hot Heath as a matter of fact and he looked rather a lot like this:

Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhhhhhhh….Heath.

Wait.

What?

What just happened?

And Crissy swears she would orgasmaplode every time Hot Heath pulled into her driveway.

Her literal driveway you dirty birds, not her figurative driveway.

The figurative driveway wasn’t too far behind though, truth be told, because Crissy panties always seemed to fall off when Hot Heath was around.

But poor, poor dear Hot Heath was dumber than a bag of rocks.

And he was sort of an asshole.

And Crissy did not care. He was hot and he had a larger serving of meat, and that was all a shallow and fun loving twenty year old Crissy really needed to keep her happy.

Oh. So. Happy.

So there you have it.

Words of Supreme Wisdom and Truth brought to you by Crissy and Jesus.

Amen.

So yesterday Crissy had a serious case of The Exhaustion and The Overwhelmedness which made it one of those days where she felt like nobody loved her and that life was a piece of shit and she just wanted to crawl under her bed and cry her heart out and then just die.

But of course she had work to pretend to do at the library and Girlfriend to deliver and retrieve from school and Moo Shu Tofu to make for dinner before the cabbage went bad in the fridge and gave everyone a poopy stomach and she just had to press on and of course Mister was late coming home from work which made the day even longer for your poor sad Crissy.

But Mister finally did come home and Crissy went to take a hot bath, read her smutty book (anyone read the Beauty series by Anne Rice? Degrading sex on every page! Woo hoo!), get Sexy Time (thanks Anne! Oh, and Mister too) and fall asleep.

And that’s what happened and Crissy is right as rain again.

Mostly.

But while Crissy was in a bath full of her fancy Kama Sutra Treasures of the Sea bath salts that smell so good you guys, and she saves them for the most desperate times because they cost eleventy hundred thousand dollars per tin, Girlfriend busts in and wants to “wash mommy’s leggies.”

“Okay fine. Wash mommy’s leggies. Thank you honey.”

Where the fuck is Mister, and why is this child not in her cage bed?

And then Mister comes in slightly out of breath from running up multiple flights of stairs from the basement carrying a foot pump that went with an inflatable wind surfer that we had and put the air squirty end into the tub in an effort to make Crissy a Whirlpool bath.

Mister is great for Macgyvering Ghetto rigs.

Has Crissy ever told you about the Ghetto Slip n’ Slide he made using a large green tarp, a garden hose, and his naked ass?

And what about the Ghetto see-saw he made for Girlfriend using an old splintery board and a propane tank?

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Crissy actually has a picture of that one.

You don’t want to see the Slip n’ Slide pictures. Nobody wants to see a 6 foot 4, 190lb man hurling himself naked onto a tarp and sliding down it on his ass.

And if you do you’re a sickie.

So anyways, Crissy just laid there staring at the ceiling thinking about the $50 tablespoon of wasted bath salts she was soaking in whilst the foot pump project turned into a game where Mister and Girlfriend competed to make the biggest geyser by jumping up and down on it.

Crissy’s note to self: Get an apartment and tell no one.

And when Crissy got home from the Sexy Party she handed Mister the catalog and we went through it for shits and giggles because we’re really not in the market for anything right now and we came across stuff that made us laugh like we’re 13.
Like the Remote Control Panties.

And of course they have multiple uses outside the bedroom. For example, they can be put on your husband at dinner parties and when he says something inappropriate you can give him a little buzz to shut him up. Of course, any dinner party that the Crissys attend it will be Crissy’s mouth that gets her in trouble and she would wear them but Mister is hardly one to judge what is appropriate and what is not.

So they wouldn’t work for the Crissys because neither one of us has any idea about appropriateness which is probably why nobody ever invites us to dinner.

And can you imagine wearing the Butt Buzzer at a dinner party?

Hostess:“Is someone’s cell phone buzzing?”
Recalcitrant guest:“Oh no. That’s just my ass!”

And Crissy wants to know who came up with all the zoological names:
The Rabbit Habit, The Rabbit Dancer, The Wiggle Rabbit
The Throbbin’ Robin
The Butterfly, The Butterfly Kisses
The Dolphin
The Finger Frog
The Mystical Dragon
and Crissy’s favorite The Ultimate Beaver

And then we found this which Crissy has certainly seen before but never thought about how totally silly it is until we encountered it in the catalog:

It’s the Lickety Split and can you picture the person you do Sexy Time with coming at you with this thing on?

Not sexy.

Funny.

It’s way more fun to picture your boss wearing it while you’re sitting in a meeting with him/her.

Try to get that shit out of your head now.

Hahahahahahhahahaha!!!

So Crissy and Mister agreed that a better use for the Lickety Split is to just strap it on and drive around wearing it.

And so we consulted our friend Richard who is a lawyer and he looked it up and it does not appear to be illeagal in RI to drive around wearing a chin strap dildo.

And this is perfect because Crissy and Mister have been looking for a new caper.

We never do capers anymore.

So we’ll probably get one and give it whirl.

Of course there will be video you silly Queefs.

OMG!!! I almost forgot!  Go see Crissy’s dream date with Ben!  Crissy just hopes he can recover quickly because we are so going out again!

On Saturday night Crissy and her friends Michele, Elise, and Valerie went to her friend Stacy’s house for an Athena party. An Athena party is like a tupperware party only with dildos and vibrators and stuff. There’s usually an assemblage of drunken women who pass around various thingymabobs and giggle and make jokes about their husband’s wee-wees.

It’s great fun.

Crissy has been to several of them but this one?

Crissy is not so sure it was really as good as others she’s been to.

First of all, our Goddess, that’s what the salessluts call themselves, looked like this:

What’s really funny is that she looked almost exactly like this and anyone who was at the party that would like to comment just this once (Val, Shel, and Elise! I’m talkin’ to you bitches!) will back Crissy up on that.

And she was wearing pants that were too small for her, highlighting her FUPA quite nicely and an ill-fitting bra underneath a tee-shirt that said something like “Come to the NAUGHTY side with me.”

And Crissy wondered when the last time anyone took her up on that offer was because really?

The last Goddess Crissy had looked like this:

You see the difference don’t you Queefs?

Whose dildo would you rather fondle and pass to your friend?

I thought so.

But the lady was very nice and as it turns out she’s a high school teacher who does this for a little extra cash.

This made Crissy wonder how many of her teachers from school did this sort of thing on the side.

Shudder.

And also at an Athena party you can count on being forced to participate in some sort of lewd act with women you barely know. Crissy had to get on her hands and knees and eat a peeled banana out of her friend Valerie’s crotchal which would have been a lot easier to do had Crissy not been stone cold sober but she did it anyway because Crissy is a giver.

And it was a race and you know Crissy had to win that shit, right?

And Crissy is proud to say that she annihilated poor Stacy who was paired up with her sister-in-law which will make for an interesting Christmas dinner for the two of them this year, and won a light-up penis key chain because Crissy is the best banana deep throater around.

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Or at least at Stacy’s house anyways.

Then as if poor Stacy wasn’t humiliated enough, the, ahem, Goddess demonstrated bondage sheets by blindfolding poor Stacy and tying her to her bed whilst her sister-in-law whipped her with a be-feathered riding crop and took pictures.

Crissy does not think she will ever host one of these parties because she has a remarkable talent for self-humiliation and does not need a dumpy middle aged teacher helping her out on that one and also Crissy’s sister-in-law would probably enjoy the whipping a little too much and would probably hurt poor prone Crissy.

For really.

And there was this one thing that just about everyone agreed was a Wonderful Thing except that it looks like this:

Which looks too much like this:

So it was right out.

And so yeah. Crissy would like to say that she bought tons of stuff and she’d like to show you pictures of it but you don’t care and also Crissy didn’t see anything she doesn’t already have thought would really do the trick.

Well, there was one thing but she is hoping Santa will put it in her stocking this Christmas.

Or in her Noonie.

Whichever.