Archive for the 'I Touch Myself' Category

I’m not dead yet!  I swear you guys!

I’ve been very busy doing some very BIG things!

I don’t work at the library anymore.  I quit.

I quit because I GOT A FANCY LADY JOB!!!!!

Yes!  I did!

It’s my second week as a real, full time fancy copywriter and social media maven at a web development, PR, advertising and marketing company.  I work for my friend Gina who is so much fancier than your friend Gina I can’t even tell you.

Can you believe this shit?  It’s dreams coming true here, people.  DREAMS COMING TRUE.

And we had to hire a babysitter for Homeslice and guess what?

SHE DOES THE DISHES AND THE LAUNDRY AND OMG SHE DUSTED!

I have a maidlaundressnanny.

I just need a whore and all my dreams will have come true. All of them.

This  sure beats the Great Brain Tumor Crisis of Early 2011, I can tell you that much.

So yes.  I am a real writer with a real job and stuff now.  I kind of miss the library, but it’s more the people than the job.  That job was boring as hell.  Now I’m really busy all day and I get to wear cute clothes instead of the dingy corduroy pants I bought at Saver’s that I wore to the library. The people at my new job are super nice and everyone is so helpful and its totally okay to say “motherfucker” so obviously I fit right in.

Basically, I’m on cloud nine these days and I have to go now because I need some more fancy lady clothes and I have to buy them online because I’m sooooo busy being Queen.

I love you, Queefies!

OMG and PS:  I’m up on the Toy With Me’s talking about my vibrators again:

Je Joue Gi-Ki. Gumby For Your G-spot!

It’s always better to post something rather than nothing, so this is part one in a two part series I call

“What Crissy Does All Day, Pretty Much.”

Ya-ta-da-daaaaaaaa!!!!

This is Facebook chat, btw.

There’s a poll at the bottom.  You should do it or whatever.

Lynne: 5:27pm you still at work beeotch?

Me:5:28pm I am. I’m chatting with Deb and Rachel and you. I am popular. i was bored, but I’m not anymore.

Lynne: 5:28pm I’m chatting with deb too! You are fucking popular did you blog that comment thread?

Me: 5:29pm what a whore she is!

Lynne: 5:29pm she likes me better

Me: 5:29pm No. I didn’t blog it. I can’t blog from here. It doesn’t save. No she doesn’t.

Lynne: 5:29pm oh well fuck that noise tell elaine you have to go home early to blog it she does too she told me specifically that she likes me better she said “I like you better than Kristen”.

Me: 5:31pm She did not because she told me she likes me better than you.

Lynne: 5:32pm She told me she told you that but she said she was lying to you

Me: 5:32pm I gave her a breast pump. What did you give her? I thought so.

Lynne: 5:32pm I gave her a reason to live

Me: 5:32pm Hahahahahaha

Lynne: 5:32pm beat that bitch

Me: 5:33pm I can’t. You win.

Lynne: 5:33pm I always do what time you outa that hellhole?

Me: 5:33pm 6:00 I just asked deb straight out who she likes more.

Lynne: 5:33pm did you accomplish anything today? she will lie to you she told me she would

Me: 5:34pm hahahaha I accomplished nothing today as per my usual work ethic.

Lynne: 5:34pm she just told me she likes me better

Me: 5:34pm She’s also chatting with Joanne. maybe she likes her better than she likes both of us.

Lynne: 5:34pm she doesn’t, she likes me she just told me joanne must have defriended my ass because I don’t see her

Me: 5:35pm You use disgusting language. That’s why.

Lynne: 5:35pm oh, is that it? i defriended that person today because she supports some “one man, one woman” group

Me: 5:36pm Fuck her.

Lynne: 5:36pm i’m going to go have lesbian sex on her front lawn just for that

Me: 5:37pm Ooooo! I will help!

Lynne: 5:37pm ok, you can be my lesbian sex partner

Me: 5:37pm Or paint her car with a lezzie sex scene and write “slut mobile” on it.

Lynne: 5:37pm yes!

Me: 5:37pm i dare say the car painting is more painful You can look away from the sex on the lawn, but you have to deal with the car.

Lynne: 5:38pm we could paint the car and then have sex on it

Me: 5:38pm That would be pretty good.

Lynne: 5:39pm and yet chilly

Me: 5:39pm And have someone film it and send the film to her mom.

Lynne: 5:40pm photoshop her face on one of ours so her mom thinks shes a lez

Me: 5:41pm I think we have a plan…

Lynne: 5:41pm a caper even

Me: 5:41pm We’ve been looking for one of those!

Lynne: 5:41pm i know, finally! a lesbian caper even Sue is online too, we could drag her lesbian ass into this too

Me: 5:42pm she’s not even almost a lesbian.

Lynne: 5:42pm yea, i guess, plus she’s in Florida and we can’t wait

Me: 5:42pm no. this requires swift action.

Lynne: 5:43pm it’s almost an emergency

Me: 5:43pm hahahaha do I have to shave or are hairy lesbians better?

Lynne: 5:44pm hmmm im not sure about that google that maybe there’s a poll online about whether hairy lesbians are more popular oh, now jenn is online and i see joanne, she didn’t defriend me whew!

Me: 5:45pm I will pose this question to the internet.

Lynne: 5:45pm maybe you could do a poll on your blog do you have many lesbian followers? Besides Ash.

Me: 5:45pm I think I will!

Me: 5:46pm I have hippy lesbian followers. Remember the free birthers?

Lynne: 5:46pm oh yes. you offended them once as I recall

Me: 5:47pm I did, but not too badly. They know they’re weird.

Lynne: 5:47pm that’s important to be aware of your own dementedness

Me: 5:48pm I know all about my dementedness. That’s why I have Monica. I’m chatting with 4 people! This is a record!

Lynne: 5:49pm holy crap! you’re cheating on me with 3 people?

Me: 5:51pm You’re not woman enough for me. Plus, I’m a ho-bag.

Lynne: 5:51pm tell me something I don’t know

Me: 5:51pm I’m so popular tonight! Helen came down to loan me her new CD. (*editorial note: Helen is an adorable and sweet librarian everyone loves. She’s in her 70’s)

Lynne: 5:51pm System of a down?

Me: 5:51pm No. Insane Clown Posse.

Lynne: 5:52pm oh right. that’s her favorite

Me: 5:52pm She’s getting a pic of the band tattooed on her ass.

Lynne: 5:52pm She’s such a rebel.

Me: 5:54pm She secretly drives a motorcycle. You know all those stunts you see on TV where they jump cars and stuff? That’s her.

Lynne: 5:54pm I thought I recognized her once when she took her helmet off! I was right

Me: 5:54pm yes. 5:55pm I admire her 5:55pm She totally looks like Hilda that muppet.

Lynne: 5:55pm totally

Me: 5:55pm http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/Hilda I showed it to her once. She didn’t laugh.

Lynne: 5:55pm LOL!!!! She does look like her

Me: 5:56pm She’s adorable. It’s like they made the puppet to look like her.

Lynne: 5:56pm She didn’t appreciate that?

Me: 5:56pm yes and no.

Lynne: 5:57pm I wish the would make a muppet of me. its a dream of mine

Me: 5:57pm hahahahaha I want to have my own barbie.

Lynne: 5:57pm that would be nice too!

Me: 5:57pm it would wear schlubby library clothes and have bags under her eyes

Lynne: 5:58pm hahahahahaha

Me:5:58pm and her boobs would leak. And she’d come with a huge bag of tampons

Lynne: 5:58pm that would be a big seller! Mine would come with slim fast and an office chair. She’d get randomly fat and skinny she’d also come with cake maybe a bonus easy bake oven

Me: 5:59pm Instead of growing hair, she’d have a growing ass.

Me: 6:00pm I just posted it as my facebook status.

Lynne: 6:00pm hahahaha this chat is pretty fucking funny

Me: 6:01pm We are always funny. What are you even talking about?

Lynne: 6:01pm I don’t know, I lost my mind

Me: 6:01pm I think we’re tired.

So basically what this conversation reveals are two very important questions:

1.

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2. If you were a Barbie, what accessories would you come with?

Here’s mine as illustrated by my friend, The Other Kristin:

PS: Tomorrow we’ll see Mister get involved in the action.  That’s right.  It’s a threesome just like the Three Stooges except with better haircuts and bigger boobs.

A few days ago, I got a friend request on Facebook from a stranger.  This is not a noteworthy event, I know, but check out his profile picture:

Um.  Yeah.  That kinda makes it noteworthy.

And his philosophy is:  Sex.

That’s it.

Sex.

And all his “friends” are either young girls or pictures of lacy thongs.

He is so barking up the wrong tree with me it’s not even funny!  Think again, buddy!

Doesn’t he know he’s talking to a frigid 36 year-old librarian with a brain full of tumors and a constant period?  He’d probably be pretty interested in the lactation though.  That’s pretty awesome if you’re a sickie.

Anyway, it got interesting after I ignored the request and got a message from him that said:

Just when we thought we were pretty much the classiest bunch of assholes on the Interwebz, we are not, Queefies.

We have been outclassed by this young lady who is clearly a very, very, big fan of mine:

Which one of you guys did that?

WHOSE  FANNY ARE WE LOOKING AT HERE?

I’m touched, really.  I mean, I know you love me, but to express your love and devotion to the QOFE in such a way just…it warms the cockles, really.

I’m overwhelmed.

Thank you, anonymous Queef.

Kisses,

Crissy

PS: Why haven’t any of you other guys done this yet?

DO YOU NOT LOVE ME?  I’m beginning to question your devotion at this point.  Say it loud, say it proud, “I’M A QUEEF!” or at least have it tattooed on your bum.  It’s the least you could do after all the years of entertainment I have provided you.

So I’ve been doing Brazil Butt Lift:

Because YES!  I WANT TO LIFT MY BUTT!

And I dare say that Leandro Carvalho has way more feminine energy than my Jillian Michaels.

I mean, he even looks more like a girl than she does:

Sure, she has longer hair and more stubble than Leandro, but do a little Jillianscaping and you’ve got a dude.

Look, they put her in a dress once:

She looked really pretty, but then she was like, “OH MY GOD IT BURNS!! GET IT OFF ME!!! GET ME MY TEE SHIRT!!! IMMEDIATELY!!!”

“Ahhh…that’s so much better.  I feel like myself again.”

Have you tried her yoga DVD by the way?

Every time I play it, it rains. That’s how I know that Jillian Michaels doing yoga makes God cry.

Actually, that’s not true. It makes him want to wear a lady’s wig and eat birthday cake.

I kid, I kid. I love my Jillian but yoga is not her forte and neither is being feminine and dancy and sometimes, I just want to be feminine and dancy, and not all butch and diesel.

That’s why I’m really into this Leandro fellow. Not only is the Brazil Butt Lift really fun to do, (particularly the Cardio Axe, which is pronounced Cardio Ash-ay, btw) but it makes me laugh every time he does his “samba tornado” because he’s such a girl. A big, Brazilian girl with stubble and pit hair and a wicked firm ass. And he’s all like “give it to me, Mary!” and “Have fun…show your booty…your bum bum! Don’t be afraid to show what you got!” in his adorable accent.

The only problem is that I am so, so, so not coordinated in the booty shaking, hip gyrating area, and so I look like I’m convulsing more than Brazil Butt Lifting, but I’ve decided it’s all good because I’m having fun. Actually, it’s a lot like when Jillian does yoga. She’s clearly aware that what she’s doing is a total abomination, but she’s not going to apologize for it and neither am I.

If my new Latino neighbors happen to see me through the window, trying my little white girl heart out to do the Lambada moves, and they wind up pointing and laughing and running inside because it’s raining again, so be it.

I, Queefies, will not care because my ass is gonna be spectacular and they can just get an umbrella and shut the fuck up.

You wanna see my mad sick pole dancing skillz, yo?

Crissy Reviews a Stripper Pole

If you don’t go see this, I feel sorry for you for being so lame.

Sorry.  I’m not dead.  I’m…I don’t know what I am, actually, but I’m at least alive enough to tell you about an awesomesauce contest I’m having!

Because of this picture:

the people over at Vajazzling.com have sent me 5 DIY VAJAZZLING KITS!!!! to give away to you fine people!  I am sorry, however, to report that none of them say “JUICY” on them.  But there are star bursts and butterflies and some sort of supernova thing and WHO DOESN’T WANT A SUPERNOVA on her twidget?

Nobody doesn’t want a supernova on her twidget, that’s who. It’s just like, whoa. Impressive.

Also, I don’t understand why these things are just for girls, so I’m opening this contest up to the fellas, because fuck it.  We need all the participants we can get, amiright?

Vajazzling: not just for pussies anymore.  It’s for dicks now too. You heard it here first.

So, what you have to do to win one of these fine DIY Vajazzling kits is write a wonderful Haiku about Vajazzling. It can be funny, or touching, or sweet, or emo or whatever. I don’t care. I just have to think it’s deserving of recognition. Just remember that I’m educated in the ways of the poem, so no pressure but I know what I’m looking at. I guess the boys can write about Manjazzling because it doesn’t make sense for them to write about Vajazzling when they’re really going to Manjazzle, right? Unless they’re trying to win the kit for a lady friend. Then they can write about Vajazzling and it’s okay.

Are you still with me?

So do yourself a solid and sit down with your pencil and your paper and write me a Vajazzling/Manjazzling Haiku and hopefully, by this time next week, your crotch will be a hell of a lot sparklier because right now, if we’re all being honest here, it’s not that pretty.

You have one week. Winners announced next Wednesday! And don’t worry. You have almost zero competition because the Internet has all but dried up and died.

HAIKU!
Or a limerick!
I just decided you can do that too.
Haiku or Limerick, or both if you want.
You choose.

GO!

PS: It’s a Toy with Me day! Sex Toy Parties–Lessons in Humiliation

*this post is like, 15 posts in one, so if you want to read it in pieces that would be perfectly fine*

So we did it Queefies.

The great big gigantic patio/deck project is all done.  Mister is pretty much a super hero and as usual, he built the whole thing with his dick. He’s got a few small abrasions on it, but that’s just because patio bricks are kind of rough. I mean seriously, he’s not THAT strong. Let’s not be nuts here.

I helped, of course.  I hauled wheelbarrows full of gravel and sand and brick.  I’m so proud of myself though you guys because I must have moved a ton or more of gravel and about a ton of brick and like, an assload (that’s a standard measurement, right?  Assload?) of sand and I didn’t get tired and I’m not sore and I didn’t even cry.  I thank my girl Jillian for all of that ass kicking. Also, it’s because I’m fucking awesome.

And then after that whole project was done, I planted a mimosa, an oak, a dogwood, and two hydrangeas.  And then the Richard and Micheles came over and I got totally absolutely undeniably hammered from just two glasses of wine, but that didn’t stop me from having more wine and then after that some tequila and then I felt horrible mommy guilt for putting Homeslice to bed in a dirty dress with sand in her diaper, but it turned out okay because she woke up and I got her into some proper pjs and wiped her down with a washcloth.  So I didn’t have to wake up at 3am and beat myself up over it. Instead, I woke up at 3 am and felt guilty for worrying about it so much and for burdening everyone with my mommy neurosis.

I fucking rule.

Anyhoodles, that was our weekend.  We worked like dogs.

OMG!!! I didn’t tell you guys!
The dog officer came and took Maudette’s puppy away!

The dog officer came and took Maudette’s puppy away!

I was standing there washing dishes and watching the little fuckface dig holes in my new mulch, when the van pulled up. And I was all “take the dog! take the dog!” and the dog officer got out and lured him over to her. She saw me in the window and asked who he belonged to, and when I motioned in Earl and Maudette’s direction, she nodded and said “this little guy is coming with me” and it was just like one of those moments when Mr. Wilson catches Dennis doing something naughty and he’s thrilled to pieces. And then I was all “TEQUILA ATTACKED ALICE!” and then I ran into the house because I didn’t want to get caught talking to the dog officer because remember I’m scared of Earl and Maudette and Tequila and the puppy.

They got him back, and I nearly ran over the puppy who was running around in the middle of the street on my way home from work last night, so clearly they’re not afeared of the dog officer and/or are slow learners and/or they don’t give a shit.

She wears too much mascara, the dog officer does.

So the yard is ready for the Birthday Extravaganza on Saturday.  It’s already way out of  hand.  There’s a lot of people coming.  Like, a lot.  So you can probably come too.  I won’t notice because there will be so fucking many people.

Here’s a picture of me getting bombalooed on my new patio:

And today is Girlfriend’s birthday!!!!

She’s 5! 

*sniffle*

Guess what, Queefies?

I know you don’t like to hear this, but it’s almost bathing suit season.

I’m wicked sorry.

Hugs.

Remember last year when I searched and searched for a swimsuit that would cover my bodacious postpartum assical area?

And  remember how I cried in the dressing room at Marshall’s and Mister had to come in there and get me and take me home and feed me ice cream until the hurting in my heart went away?

Crap.

Did I not tell you about that?

And do you remember how much trouble I had trying to find jeans this winter after the whole Gap can suck it with their size 16/00 debacle? Don’t even get me started on the POOF! shoes again.

Well, bathing suits are a whole new level of wrong and what the fucking fuck?

It’s the same battle I have with clothing.  Everything is either made for teenage girls, or 75 year old women.  There’s no in between.  I’m totally opening a store called Forever 35 and I’m designing shit for all of us in that no-woman’s-land between high school and retirement home.

Anyway, I spent about 3 hours trying to find something from Victoria’s Secret and if you’ve ever ordered a swimsuit from them before then you know that A) if you don’t buy something in March to wear in June you’re shit out of luck because the thing you want will be on back order until October. B) They have one billionty styles, but somehow not one single thing that will look pretty on your particular particulars.  I don’t know how they manage it. But, I took the risk and ordered three suits which all turned out to be total losers, and I had to take it in the pooper for the return shipping.  Basically, I spent $20 to have my self-esteem assaulted. What a deal!

My beloved Target has lots to choose from as long as you want a triangle top string bikini with mis-matched top and bottoms because there’s no way in Hades you’re going to find a matching top and bottom in your size.  There are an awful lot of woefully disproportionate people out there, Queefies.  I don’t want a string bikini anyway.  I’m almost 36 and although I don’t have stretch marks and I’m in pretty decent shape thanks to my sweaty lesbian friend, Jillian, I don’t feel comfortable in a string bikini.  But, I don’t want to totally pack it in and get a swim burqa either

Actually, I think they’re called “burkinis.”

You know it’s bad when even the model can’t rock it.

And so the Internet search began and you know what, Queefies?

Thanks to a head’s up from Melissa Lion, I found something!

There IS a place where a girl can find something not too stringy, but not too burqua-ish and it is called Popina Swimwear.

I wanted something like that little blue number I had last year that reminded me of  vintage swimwear, like a pin-up girl type thing, and they totally have a ton of stuff just like that! They have a bunch of cute tankinis which I looked at and loved.  They also have  Jantzen Swimwear ,and they make a ton of cute stuff, too.  I came very close to getting this:

Because meow, my friends.

It’s freaking adorable.  I might actually turn around and order it because the more I look at it, the more I kind of want it like a lot and a lot.

But instead of a vintage one piece swimsuit, I decided on this two-piece one for now:

Do you know how hard it is to find a bra top bikini top?  It’s damn near impossible because everything is a triangle or a halter style.  Neither of those look good on me at all.  I need the straps to break up my broad shoulders and also I need them to lift the girls because I’m sorry to tell you Queefies that the glory and the splendor of last year’s nursing boobies have all but disappeared now.  Oh, how the mighty have fallen.  Literally.

I think we should take a moment of silence….

(                                                                                                       )

And I picked out these bottoms to go with it because my hipster underpanties are flattering on me and so I figured these would be good.

So yeah.  It looks all kinds of awesome, and I get to feel like I’m better than everyone on the beach because my swimsuit came from a small, woman-owned business AND it didn’t cost me eleventy billion dollars either.

Suck it, Victoria’s Secret! I’m rockin’ the hotness this year.

OMG… Popina just sent me an email because of this post and are offering an extra 10% discount just for you Queefs!  Just use discount code “pamster” to get the deal.

It’s TWM day, bitches.

If you thought the midget zombie porn was awesome, wait until you hear about the ninja zombie kung-fu porn.

The Weirdest Porn I Ever Loved.