Crissy wants anything she sees on the infomercials because when she wakes up at the vag crack of dawn every day, that’s all that’s on. And you tend to be gullible at 5am. At least Crissy does.
And now Crissy has a hanerking, a desire, a yearnin’ for the following products which are certain to improve her life in ways she never imagined possible.
First up are these little beauties:
Because Crissy does not think her fiber cereal is doing enough to help her clean her colon so it’s either this stuff or a pipe cleaner. Mister has already generously volunteered the use of his-oh forget it! Let’s just say that Crissy would rather use the Dual Action Colon Cleansing System than take it in the pooper. She only does that on Very Special Nights.
Oh! And I want this!
If this shit can make me look as awesome as Jane Seymore does after having eleventy billion kids and an acting career that spans like, centuries, then sign me up bitch! I’ll take two!
And how can I live without this for another second?
It takes baby powder off the floor in a Jiffy! And look how happy she is! She’s just all “I’m a cleanin’, uh-huh, with my shark-y, oh ye-ah, and you don’t have one, na-uh, cuz you su-uck.” I don’t want to suck. I want to STEAM! Because I never roll around on the floor like I should and it’s only cuz it isn’t Shark Steam Mop clean!
And I don’t know when I’ll find the time to watch this, but I still want it.
Does it not look fucking hilarious? I think it even comes with a Martini and a Lucky Strike. How can you go wrong Queefs?
You cannot go wrong with the Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.
And just in case I ever get The Acne I’ll have to have a supply of this on hand:
It’s glamorous because all the slightly crazy celebrities like Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jessica Simpson and I think Britney Spears use it. Not that Britney Spears is only slightly crazy. She’s a fucking giant Super Size bag of crazy, but you know. Her skin is okay.
Ugh. So many things that I want, you guys.
This is exactly why Crissy does not watch QVC. No matter how tempting it is to shop from her bed, she will not allow herself to do it because once Crissy has tasted paradise you will never hear from her again and she will become one of those pathetic trailer park ladies sitting in her brown and gold plaid Barcalounger with a Misty hanging out of her mouth and a can of Natural Light in her hand at 5am.
She’s not that far from it now…