So as you Queefies know, Crissy is doing The Breastfeeding and don’t worry.

She’s not going to tell you all about it but suffice it to say that it is not an easy thing to commit to because despite what you might thing about boobies being meant for this sort of thing, the boobies do not agree and if they could form some sort of Boob Union or United Boob Coalition they would totally do it because they work very hard, you know.  They bleed, they turn rock hard, they leak when they see the baby or when the baby cries, they hurt, and they get very, very big and then there’s a baby demanding to suck on them every two hours around the clock and that does not exactly feel good.  There is no escape and no rest for the poor boobies and they don’t even get any play during Sexy Time because they’re strictly for utilitarian purposes.

And if that’s not bad enough, look at the uniform they’re forced to wear:

Nursing bras are just the ugliest, least sexy things ever made unless a person has eleventy million dollars to spend on a pretty designer one but nobody does except perhaps Salma Hayek and so the boobies all wear the ugly ones and feel ugly and gross and pretty much like  dishrags and can’t even wear a cute tank top this summer because the straps on the things are so thick and huge it just looks like the boobies are wearing grandmother’s bra and so Eeww!

Needless to say, the poor boobies get very, very sad indeed.

And so this is why when Crissy got a “Breastfeeding Support” packet from Formula Making People at the hospital and again at her postpartum Taco Doctor visit and then even some in the mail she felt a little bit like poor Charlie Bucket after he found the golden ticket and old Mr. Slugworth kept showing up and whispering at him about doing evil.

Look at all the formula Crissy has from the “Breastfeeding Support” packets!

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Right?

RIGHT?

“Here Crissy, try this.  It’s eeeeeaaaaassssssyyyyy and you’ll be able to wear a pretty bra and you’ll be able to leave Homeslice for more than two hours at a time and you won’t hurt anymore and your shirts will fit you and you can sleep through the night and Mister will be able to touch them and ooooooooo the luxxxxxury…just try it.  Just a little bit.  Homeslice won’t know the difference…just a little something to get you through the night..”

Fucking evildoing formula peoples.

Don’t you worry Queefies.

Crissy is hip to their game and so are her boobies.  They cannot be bought with free diaper bags, sample packets, and rebate offers!

No sir!

Look how happy they make Homeslice:

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And huh.

Crissy just realized that she did tell the Queefies all about her boobies after all but that’s okay because boobies have been suffering in silence for too long and so Crissy is happy to be the Voice of Boobies! or The Boobian Defense League or, um, something.

Hey Queefies!

First order of bizness this morning is where to get Crissy’s boobie dress because she got lots of emails and a few comments requesting Royal Shopping Guidance so you should all go here for the boobie dress.

Crissy bought one in brown, too.

Crissy loves Kohl’s and it is where she went to get all her post baby clothes because it’s cute and stylish and doesn’t cost a millionty dollars.  Crissy does not plan on being fat forever, you know.  It’s just that people keep giving her cake.  Please stop that Queefies.

And Crissy keeps eating the cake that people give her because of this bullshit:

This week is the nicest weather we’ve had all month.  Since Homeslice came into the world it has rained every. single. day. and been cloudy and crappy and cold and it makes Crissy’s mom laugh every time Crissy tells her the weather is “soul crushing” but that is how Crissy feels.  And the rain makes Crissy so sad that Mister has banned the watching of the weather at Crissy’s house because he’s tired of all the bitching and the crying and the throwing of things that are heavy at the television.

You think Crissy is kidding you.

Crissy lives for summertime and fluffy skirts and dresses and not sweatpants and sweaters and she cannot possibly stuff her ass into her jeans yet and she wasn’t meant to live in New England but she does and she can’t really leave and so summertime is the only time when Crissy feels right as rain or, well, not rain. Um, something else entirely.

And so Crissy eats the cake.

And she drinks the wine.

And she mashes up the Klonopins and sprinkles them on her pasta.

Doesn’t the weather know Crissy is trying not to get all postpartum-y and shit?  Doesn’t it care about Crissy’s feelings?

Can we sue the weather?

Anyone know?

Sigh.

The only thing that Crissy will admit is good about all the rain is that her garden is super excited:

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You’re looking at some happy ass chives, some fucking dill, cilantro, basil, lettuce, carrots, zucchini, and summer squash.  There’s also some watermelon, strawberries, tomatoes, cucumbers, and a couple of pumpkins that Crissy did not plant but came up on their own after Crissy tossed her Halloween pumpkin in there back in November.  It may or may not kill the tomatoes and then move on to eat Crissy’s house.

If you know Crissy at all, and you should because Crissy tells the Queefs everything, then you know that her garden makes her very happy and she loves nothing more than to walk outside and get dinner out of the yard.  Sometimes she even catches a woodland creature in her teeth and cooks that up with a little of that basil or maybe some cilantro if she’s feeling like Mexican and not just plain old basily woodland creature.  You have to mix things up to keep it interesting, Queefs.

Anyyummysquirrels, Crissy is going to go and hide her knives and try to find a fire arms buy back program because if this rain keeps up she’s likely to do that whole blaze of glory thing at the Wal-Mart.  It’s best to take preventative measures, don’t you think?

So you guys remember how Crissy tries to make cakes for people’s birthdays and they come out looking pretty nice but then when she cuts into them she needs a chain saw?

You do?

Well it happened again with the strawberry with cream cheese frosting cake she tried to bake for Girlfriend’s birthday. Crissy followed everyone’s suggestions for what may have gone wrong with both the boxed version and the made from scratch version of Mister’s Easter Birthday Lemon Buttercream Culinary Abortion and she even had Mister help her, thinking that maybe Crissy’s cake mojo really is all shaquaed and maybe his is better but nothing doing Queefs.

It came out of the oven looking great and Crissy thought her cake problems were over but then she turned around for a second and when she looked back at the cake it was flat.

Totally.

Flat.

And Crissy looked at the cake and she looked back at the picture in the magazine and it looked nothing like it except that they were both pink.

What

the

fuck?

Are any of you Queefs A Person Who Is Good At Cake?  Could it be that Crissy should bake the cake on the regular Bake setting and not do the Convection thingy?  Maybe the Convection thingy is too fast for cake?

Crissy has no idea but she refuses to give up on this.  In Crissyland it is totally unacceptable that she cannot put a list of crap together, mix it around, heat it up, and have something edible come out.

DO YOU HEAR CRISSY, CAKE?

YOU WILL NOT WIN.

You will be Crissy’s bitch one day.

Mark Crissy’s words or read her lips or her blog or whatever.

Sigh.

Anyshittystupidflatpinkcake,  it was too late to make a new one and Crissy had already spent eleventy hundred thousand dollars on the ingredients for the thing and so she set to frosting and decorating because sometimes it’s all in the presentation:

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That’s right Queefs.  Those are iridescent sugar sparkles and candy stars and glitter icing.

And Crissy was rather pleased with the way it looked and she’s also excited that she doesn’t look pregnant in this picture and will just carry a cake around with her for the rest of her life because she saw the Taco Doctor yesterday and according to him Taco is never, never, never coming out and this makes Crissy suicidal:

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But the little kids seemed to like the cake and Girlfriend was sweet not to mention that it was dense as a motherfucker. She was just excited that it was pink and purple and had My Little Pony on it.

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Also, there’s a great shot of Auntie Cya’s left boob which is enough to make anyone forget their culinary foibles.

So other than the cake being a big disappointment, the whole party was really very nice and nobody in Crissy’s family pulled any real drama and so Crissy is very happy that Girlfriend had a wonderful birthday and a very nice Memorial Day weekend.

What did you Queefies do?