On Wednesday night, Mister and Girlfriend were taking out the trash when Girlfriend spotted the neighbor taking out his trash too. And this is the neighbor whose dog, Tequila, has been shitting all over Crissy’s lawn and pissing Crissy off to no end and Girlfriend is well aware of it as she overhears Crissy and Mister arguing over who is going to go over there and kick some ass.
And it goes a little something like this:
“You should mention to Paulie that Tequila shits in our yard.”
“Or, you could do it.”
“I’m not doing it. You do it. You know them better than I do.”
“Fine. I will. Next time I see him, I’ll mention it.”
“Thank you.”
“Fine.”

And then Crissy just winds up passive aggressively throwing the shit over the fence and onto the hood of their van because neither of the Crissys actually has the balls to say anything.

Apparently, Girlfriend is sick of hearing about it and so she goes over to Paulie and says “you know Paulie, Tequila pees and poops in our yard and it’s killing the grass.” And Paul was very apologetic and pretended he had no idea and went all asses and elbows to clean up the shit!!!

Mister says it was a marvel to behold and he tried to downplay it to keep the peace, but Girlfriend had the situation totally under control.

Crissy has learned something very, very valuable here Queefies.

From now on, Girlfriend is the enforcer because who is going to argue with her?

Nobody.

Crissy knows better than to argue with Girlfriend!

She’ll straighten motherfuckers out.

She also yelled “you’re stupid idiots!” out the window at the new asshat tenants across the street who let their two year old son ride his little car thingy into the street while they just sit relaxing on the front steps.

And while we’re on the subject of parenting, HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to all you mothers out there! And Crissy would like to send a very special shout out to all the people who are currently fucking those mothers because without you motherfuckers, we mothers would be very sad indeed and so holla Motherfuckers! Holla mothers!

Crissy will be back on Monday with the full report on whether Mister fucked up or came through for Mother’s Day this year. No pressure, Mister. It’s just that the quality and appropriateness of your gift to Crissy will be considered to be in direct proportion to how much you love/do not love and appreciate/do not appreciate Crissy. No big deal.

PS: And for a mother’s day gift from the Queefs, Crissy wants you to think about her cervix all weekend long.  Everyone think DILATION. Do it now, dilation, dilation, dilation, dilation...just like that all weekend.

It’s been on the news a lot around here and Crissy isn’t sure why it’s particularly newsworthy but whatever. 99% of what’s on the news is total mind-numbing crap that keeps people blind to the REAL things going on in the world so why is Crissy surprised?

Don’t know.

Anyway, apparently, some people were fighting over some dog shit in a yard and it got a little ugly and a baseball bat was waved around and some dude got arrested.  You can read about it here if you want the details.

Crissy’s only mentioning it because she understands why people were fighting over dog shit because she has a problem with dog shit too.

Who doesn’t?

And it makes Crissy violent and she wants to just go over to the neighbor’s house, drag them out, bring them over to her yard and smoosh their fucking faces in the shit. And sadly, this is not the same neighbor who is pulling the Zoning Board Shenanigans.

(btw, Numbnuts waved to Mister yesterday and Mister grunted at him and did not wave back. HA!)

Crissy lives in an idiot colony.

Valuable Life Lesson for the Queefs: When you go to buy a house, interview the neighbors. If they’re assholes, don’t buy the house.

Crissy didn’t know that, but now you do.

You’re welcome.

Some of you Queefs may remember something about how Crissy feels about the dog shit.

Does the name Tequila ring a bell?

Well she’s at it again and what Crissy did about the problem last year has become routine now but with a little less dancing and there’s nothing new to report except that these people may be foreclosed on at the end of the month and that makes Crissy both sad and happy at the same time.

She’s sad because it means that Mister and Kendra won’t have a convenient source from which to purchase  Special Treats anymore and that means if Mister can’t find any he’ll be a giant cranky pants and drive Crissy up a wall–even more than he usually does and that is saying something.  You don’t want to see Mister without his Special Treats. Crissy doesn’t know about Kendra without her Special Treats but she’s probably not very happy either.  Also, these particular neighbors are in no position to ever judge anything Crissy does and that’s a nice feeling.

Being superior to people always feels nice, doesn’t it?

But it makes Crissy happy because maybe if they just go away she won’t have to deal with the fucking dog shit and the teenage boy revving his dirtbike in the driveway all fucking day all spring, summer and fall. These people come with a myriad of other bullshit that Crissy won’t go into right now, but just know that  they’re always coming over to Crissy’s to apologize for something but the thing is that they don’t stop doing it!

What is worse Queefs? 

Knowing you’re a dick, apologizing for it but never stopping OR being a dick and not knowing it?

There’s something about Crissy’s house that she’s never mentioned before but she’s going to now because the irony of it is just so…

so…

ironic.

It’s going to make all the Queefs say “WHAT???” and then “Oh HELL NO!!!”

While the Historical Society Assclowns are busting the Crissy’s balls about what they’re allowed to do (well, not anymore since the Crissys plan to go ahead and do whateverthefucktheyplease because that’s how they’re going to roll from now on) with the house, the Numbnuts across the street is pulling his own bunch of bullshit.

You see Queefs, Numbnuts owns a big old ugly characterless vinyl sided tenement house that he inherited from his grandpa. It’s got like, Crissy doesn’t know, 5 apartments in it or something? And it has a bunch of land behind it. The Crissys almost didn’t buy their house because they weren’t sure they wanted to look at this ugly motherfucking tenement all the time, but they decided to just not look at it and that was fine.

AND THEN!!!

A couple of months after the Crissys moved in, they get a notice that Numbnuts wants to build a duplex on his land behind the ugly house and pave over whatever grassyness he has on the front and side to make a parking lot for his existing tenants.

WHAT?

THE?

FUCKING?

FUCK?

And the whole neighborhood signed a petition to stop him because this is not that kind of a neighborhood. It’s full of beautiful antique houses and it’s got a nice mix of styles from Ranch to Colonial to Cape, even a cute little Tudor cottage here and there, and then the Crissy’s rare and far more beautific Craftsman style one, and Numbnuts’s house is already an eyesore and a misfit.

So everyone is pissed off at him and everyone shows up for a neighborhood meeting and then members of the Zoning Board came to see what they were deciding on and the whole neighborhood went to the zoning meeting and it was determined that his planned monstrosity would destroy “the essential character of the neighborhood” and that his existing house is already doing that but we’ll just let that slide.

So the zoning board, in their wisdom, said “nofuckingway, Numbnuts” and everyone was happy.

Except Numbnuts, obviously.

So he bought another house on the same street and everyone was relieved that he had given up. In fact the house he bought was foreclosed and really looked like crap so things were actually looking like they would improve.

UNTIL!!!!

The Crissys and all the neighbors got a certified letter informing us that Numbnuts and his Dickweed lawyer are suing the Zoning Board for their decision.

Now everyone hates him with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.

That’s like, a lot and a lot in case any of you Queefs don’t know anything about astrology or astronomy or whatever.

And Crissy wants very much to do something to him and fix his wagon but she needs help from the Queefs to come up with a Very Good Plan and it has to be something Very Special because Numbnuts is a Very Special kind of asshole.

There’s always this option:

kensstatue.jpg

Yes, that’s right. She whipped that one out AGAIN!!

Because she can.

And Crissy has already drawn up some schematics for how she’ll rig up the penis vanilla ice cream dispenser for the neighborhood children, especially Numbnuts’s children. She’d show you but it’s very complicated and only something a Queen can understand.

Numbnuts is a devout Catholic and so Crissy also thought about painting some abortion scenes complete with smiling bloody fetuses wearing thorny crowns and holding upside down crosses and maybe a little sodomy scene here and there on her front fence for his viewing pleasure.

Also, Crissy will stop making Mister wear pants to mow the lawn for the sole benefit of Numbnuts’s pre-teen daughter.

But what else you guys?

Any formal suggestions from the Queefs should be submitted on the form below: