What Happens When I’m Not Home…

Sigh.

My dreams of having a maidlaundressnanny have been crushed, guys.  HippieMom SuperNanny has left us.  The halcyon days are over.

Her husband got a fancy new job and they had to move away.  Far, far away and so I no longer have her at the house, doing battle against the filth and the dishes and the laundry.

Our new childcare arrangements are so complicated we had to make a spreadsheet, but we’re making a go of it and not replacing her because there is no replacement for HippieMom SuperNanny.

We cannot bear the thought of even trying.

It’s only been one day and the house is already falling to crap.

Queefies, how is it possible that I can vacuum and wash the floors on Monday night and by Tuesday evening, even though nobody has been in the house all day, the place is a total fucking shitshow?

I have one theory, and one theory only.

It’s THIS:

Alice and Vivian have all the dogs in the neighborhood over for a dog party and the recalcitrant shitbirds ham it up in my kitchen!

I leave in the morning, and the two of them start barking out the windows, exactly like how it takes place on 101 Dalmations when the puppies go missing, and the next thing you know, they all come over here.  Tequila brings beer (ironically, she doesn’t like hard liquor), Henry‘s got da Chronic, and Talus brings the hos.

The end.

There I was, minding my own business when I noticed there was a dick in my mulch. This is not a euphemism for anything, I swear.

So the other day I was getting out of my car after work and when I opened the door, I was hit in the face by a powerful smell.

It smelled like a swimming pool full of semen, you guys.

I’m not talking about that delicate whiff of it you get in the spring time when the cum trees are in bloom. It was more like what it must be like to be on the “catching” end in a Japanese Bukkake film.

As I walked into the house, I made a mental note to tell Hippymom Supernanny that if she’s going to be filming porn in my driveway while the kids are napping, she needs to hose down a little better because seriously?

I mean, what she does during her break time is her business, but mop up woman, for the love of god!

But I forgot to mention it to her and thank goodness I did because the next day I noticed this sticking out of the mulchy area that frames the driveway:

Oh, hello! And, EW! Whatthefuck?

As I got closer I realized this was where the smell was coming from.

There is a penis mushroom that smells like Japanese Bukkake porn growing in my yard.

So I yelled to Mister “THERE’S A DICK IN OUR YARD!” and he ran outside with his camera and took that picture for the Queefies because who would believe that The Crissys have penises growing out of the ground at their house?

Actually, if you know us, this is completely believable, but anyway.

I felt very protective of our penis mushroom because I was afraid that the guy across the street, Captain Underpants, had a blog and that he would see it and he would post about it on his blog first. But then I realized that was silly because Captain Underpants only cares about swearing “fuckingcocksucker!” at his car and shoveling snow in his undershorts. Oh and he wears his soccer gear just for shits, even when there’s no game.  So, I’m pretty sure I’m the first one in our neighborhood to blog about this.  Also, I’m not sure Captain Underpants is what you’d call a reader never mind a mushroom identifier and certainly probably not a writer.

I’m just being paranoid, but can you blame me?  Penis mushrooms are very special.

And it looks really nice next to the statue of Mister.

And of course we looked it up.

We are truly blessed to have such a marvelous thing in our yard.

Thank you, Satan.

I got a new plant yesterday. Someone was just giving them away and I took it because I love getting new plants. It’s sort of like getting a new pet, except they don’t piss on the floor.

We’ve been pet sitting The Richard and Michele’s dog, Henry, for a week now.

Henry, Queefies, Queefies, Henry.

And Alice doesn’t mind having him around too much as long as he doesn’t get up on her bed which is of course really my bed but Alice likes to pretend it’s hers mostly because she’s a dog and she doesn’t really own anything. Well, she does, I guess. She has a really nice fleece sweater and a life jacket for the boat and a few pieces of bling on her collar there…maybe a couple of drooly stuffed animals but that’s it.

That and a duck feather will buy you a hot dog.

I have no idea what that means.

I’m tired as shit.

I keep almost giving up this blog, but then I don’t.

I tried the Brazil Butt Lift Workout because I heard it wrong and I thought it was the Brazil Blog Lift Workout, but it turns out it’s really for my ass and not my blog. I’m pretty disappointed because this blog is kinda droopy. In fact, if this blog were an ass it would look like this:

It’s hard to have a blog when you have no life. I have my job and I have my pole dancing class (which ends today and I can’t even go) and sometimes I go to Saver’s and find something for the kids from Gymboree for a dollar.

TA-DAAAA!!!

That’s all I got.

Oh, and a new plant.

So, I’m trying to figure out what I can do about this not having a life business.

I kind of don’t have time to have a life.

I signed up for kick boxing class and Jazzercise. I’m pumped for Jazzercise, but kick boxing is sort of a “being dragged kicking and screaming” thing because while I like kickboxing to my sweaty lesbian Jillian videos, I do not want to spar.

I’m a lover, not a fighter, Queefies.

Also, I’m not competitive and I’m likely to let someone hit me just to make them feel good, and because I don’t care if I win stuff that much.

So to recap, I’m excited about Jazzercise, and we’re pet-sitting Henry this week.

The end.

PS: I just thought of something! I have a new phobia! I’m afraid Girlfriend and Homeslice will be abducted by aliens. I keep checking on them at night to make sure they’re still in their beds because next to human predators, aliens are the second biggest threat, you know. So now it’s things that spin too fast, balloons and kites, my garbage disposal, retarded people, smart people, clowns, perverts, and alien abduction.

PSS: I don’t mean to imply in the title that Henry pissed on my floor because he didn’t. He shit in my basement.

PSSS: It is not lost on me that this post sounds a little bit, um, insane, to some of you, but do not be alarmed. My sanity is no more or less intact than it normally is. I’m just tired as shit. I think I mentioned that earlier.

Alice bit Frank today! The Vajazzling Haiku Winners Announced! And a Toy With Me Day! There’s A Lot Going On Here Today, Obviously. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, I understand.

Apparently, the lovers have had a falling out because Frank was in the garden, Alice’s garden, where she enjoys a delicious salad buffet herself, and he was there gankin’ her vittles and so she BIT THE BASTARD! He jumped up in the air and bit her back but she still got in a couple of more bites before the little garden fucker ran under the fence.

It was glorious, and he didn’t even break the skin.

GO ALICE!!!!!!!!

Does anyone have a Rottweiler I can borrow to finish him off? I figure it’s not really killing if your borrowed dog does it. That’s completely fine with Buddha, right?

Anyways, I’m looking for a killing machine to borrow for a day or two. You can email me if you have one.

And now I shall announce the winners of the Vajazzle Haiku/Limerick contest!

Ya-ta-da-da!!!!

They are in no particular order as they were equally fabulous:

Axe:
There was a young lady named Gidget
Who put sparkles all over her twidget.
There was so much dazzle
When she did her Vajazzle
That she blinded a horney young midget!

Melissa:
I yearn for a twidget that gleams
Shiny crotch would fulfill hubby’s dreams
Save money on blow
Escalade cunts won’t know
That my FUPA’s much more than it seems!

Plain. Bare. So boring.
Vagazzle! Shine like Cullen.
Happy Pants for all

Christian:
On manjazzling…

The dentist looked at me odd
I thought to myself “Oh god,
how do I explain
the reason for my pain
is I chipped my tooth on his rod?”

Bat Cave Twidget:

There is a girl from New York
Who all day long wanted to pork
But three years it had been without carnal sin
So please Vajazzle this dork.

Yeah, that’s the best I got. Even I can smell the desperation

The Problem Child:

If you want to vajazzle your stuff
A waxing, to lessen the muff
Might well be in order
Else ‘jazzling might border
On just a bit more than enough.

Y’all need to email me with your info so I can mail you the sparkly bits.

But really, it was hard to choose because everyone did a wonderful job and I’m really, very proud of you all for giving it a try. Writing is hard, yo. That’s why they pay me the big bucks.

wait.

PS: Toy with Me today! It’s all about how I don’t understand Casual Sex. Because I don’t.

****** Fuck Buddies & Booty Calls ******

So, yes.

Since Sunday, our computer died so thoroughly that even Mister cannot resurrect it (I’m at work right now, fyi), I have had Lady Days for approximately 8 days, Mister and I were both stung by bees, I have a weird monkey flu that makes my throat/chest/tummy/lower back area so tight and painful I can barely breathe, plus I have a fever that makes me snuggle under my blankets on a 90 degree day with no air conditioning.

And now today, I have an itchy rash where my bee sting was, Mister’s bee stung foot is all Frankensteinish and swollen but the dude at Urgent Care said there’s not much he can do about it, I’m still sick and now my ear and throat hurt, Girlfriend has a fever, AND MOTHERFUCKING FRANK ATE MY FUCKING VEGETABLE GARDEN.

The little jerk was actually in there when I went to dump my compost into the bin this morning and I was all “GET OUT!” and the bold motherfucker just stood up in his back legs, looked at me, and kept eating my broccoli!
Can.
You.
Imagine?
And so again I hissed “Fuck! Off! FRANK!” and off he did not fuck! He just stood there looking at me like “yeah? What are you gonna do about it, lady?”

So you know what I did about it, you guys?

That’s right!

I SHOOK A STICK AT HIM!

He finally scurried away and I was able to survey the damage he did to the tender vegetables I have been nursing from seed since MARCH!

He took all my broccoli, cauliflower, basil, cilantro, romaine lettuce, and sunflowers.

And all I can think about is how badly I want some orange nail polish.