Morning Queefies!

How was your weekend?

Ours was busy, thanks for asking, and we did many, many shopping things because for some reason, I woke up on Saturday morning and I looked at Mister and said “I feel like bleeding money all weekend long.” And so that is what we did.

We drove up and down and speeded all over:


And I was going to tell you how I went grocery shopping at The Super Wal-Mart and how afterwards, I felt dirtier than if I had blown my grandpa (Ew! Ew! Ew! I hate it when I think things that even acid to the brain cannot erase the mental image.  But it’s worth a try.)  And I know I’m supposed to be boycotting Wal-Mart because that’s what suburban middle class people are supposed to do because Wal-Mart is an evil empire and everything BUT THE PRICES ON ORGANICS ARE UNBELIEVABLE.

Middle class smugacity be damned, Queefs.

And so I went there.  And I bought food.  And then the braintrust cashiers touched Homeslice right on her face and hands!  I whipped my hand sanitizer out and gave her a bath with it right in front of them because the hell were they thinking?

You don’t touch people’s babies.  Especially not my baby because she’s more specialer than all other babies (even yours).

Next time, I’m just going to punch people in the neck when they reach for her.

This seems like a reasonable course of action to me.

And then we went to a few other places, but the most important place was IKEA.


Check out our craptacular toy area in this before picture:


It’s a fucking disaster.

But then we went to Ikea and then we spent the whole day organizing the room, or  Orgnizator Rumm or whatever and so then Look!


Sanford and Son:


Fabular Rumjlung:


And the rug is called “Lusy” and so we had to buy it.

The End.

PS: This post has absolutely nothing to do with that Daily Style section I was telling you about.  I’ve been getting hundreds of emails from people who make shit and want me to pimp it for them (okay, only about 5, but that’s still a lot) but trust me you guys.  You do not want your shit to be featured anywhere near my Daily Style section because when I say “style” I mean hideous atrocities.

PSS: One guy who contacted me makes “art” by putting paint on naked chicks and then smooshing their bodies up against some paper and then he steps away and goes “Look what I made!”  He was very nice and flattering to me and even said that I make the world a better place, which is of course the god’s honest truth, and color me flattered then mash my ass against a canvas, but really? I’m not as into naked chick ass art as you might think.  Surprising, I know.

So yesterday Crissy dropped Girlfriend off at camp where she made puppets while Crissy ran errands and took Homeslice to the doctor.

And so Crissy’s first stop was to run into Target to pick up a prescription for Mister and so she lugged the 35 pound car seat all the way through the store to discover the pharmacy doesn’t open until ten.


And so she moved on to the gas station where she pulled up to the only available pump only to discover that the premium gasoline that Sasha insists on having or else she sputters and gags is out of order, forcing Crissy to wait in line at another pump. Tick. Tock.

(Crissy just saw an ad on the TV for some new Saabs and they’re a great deal and so right now Crissy is making a formal request to Mister in front of the Queefs to buy her a new Saab and so HELP CONVINCE HIM QUEEFIES! Crissy loves Sasha but she’s old and her clock is broken and every time that ad comes on TV she comments to Mister about what a good deal it is and he’s not getting the hint.)

She finally makes it to the doctor’s with about two minutes to spare, she gets in line to check in and when she finally gets the window and gives the lady her information she finds out that Homeslice has been kicked off Mister’s insurance.


And so the lady called Mister’s insurance company and they wouldn’t talk to her and said that Crissy had to call and so Crissy called with only one bar remaining on her cell phone only for them to tell her they couldn’t tell her anything and she had to call Mister’s Human Resource Department and kick some ass over there and so she called Mister and told him to call them and he did and they said they sent everything the insurance company wanted. And so then Crissy called the insurance company back and they said they didn’t get the stuff and that Crissy should have Human Resources call them all the while Crissy is waiting for her phone to die which adds to the stress of course and so she finally got pissed off in front of God and everyone in the waiting room and shouted “are you telling me that I cannot take my child to the doctor because somebody somewhere dropped the ball? Is that what you’re saying to me right now?” And the lady said to just take Homeslice to the doctor and that Human Resources would have to sort it out.

Crissy was pissed. off.

But she didn’t cry and she didn’t say FUCK even one time because she is a model of composure and self-restraint with the grace of a gazelle as evidenced in the photos from yesterday.

And so Crissy and Homeslice finally went into the exam room and Homeslice weighs 13.6 lbs and she’s 24 inches long and everyone was commenting about Crissy’s boobies and how nice they feed Homeslice and Crissy waited and waited for the doctor and then it happened.

Homeslice had an epic diaper blow out and the yellow baby shit flowed out of the top, sides, and back of the diaper and all over Crissy in her adorable new purple dress. And Crissy got that dress from Marshall’s and it was very expensive but because in addition to being a Model of Composure and Self-restraint with the Grace of a gazelle, Crissy is a Frugal Shopper and found the dress on clearance and it’s a crying shame it was shat upon so casually by Homeslice who obviously does not appreciate fine clothing.

And there Crissy was in the exam room, covered in shit. And Homeslice was covered in shit. And the exam table was covered in shit. And the clean up was just about the most stressful thing ever because the more Crissy tried to clean it up, the more it just smeared all over the place and Crissy was trying to hurry because if the doctor came in and saw the mess, she’d probably leave and wait for it to be cleaned up and it would probably be another forever before she came back.

And then to make it wicked fun, Homeslice barfed up.

Crissy finally got cleaned up but the smell of that diaper and Crissy’s dress was, well, not so good.

And it turns out Crissy needn’t have hurried because it took the doctor another hour before she came in and so that makes a grand total of three hours spent at the doctor’s office and Crissy was late picking Girlfriend up at summer camp which means that she didn’t have time to change her shitty dress AND she looked like mother of the year picking her kid up late but she couldn’t call to warn them because the cell phone was dead.

And Crissy still had to go back to Target to get Mister’s medicine so she had to with a shitty dress and then when she got home Girlfriend and Homeslice were begging for food and so to make a long story slightly less long, Crissy wore the shitty dress for the better part of the day yesterday and so she thinks Mister should buy her a new car.

Oh Queefies.

Tomorrow is Crissy’s 35th birthday and she’s all in a kerfuffle over it and it’s not that she’s going to BE IN HER MID THIRTIES HOLY SHIT that is bothering her.

She’s got a case of Birthday Anxiety because if something shitty is going to happen, it’s going to happen on Crissy’s birthday because it’s usually the day when people closest to Crissy decide to act like total assholes and treat Crissy like trash.

And so every year, Crissy’s birthday rolls around and Crissy becomes more and more anxious as the day approaches until she’s a total mess on the actual day because she’s waiting for the other shoe to drop or the cake to explode in her face or something and she tells herself that everyone is acting weird around her because they’re planning a big, wonderful surprise for her but it never happens and it turns out the people are just assholes being their assholian selves.

It’s also Dead Grandma Helen’s birthday and it makes Crissy sad that she’s not alive anymore because Crissy’s family always had a party for Crissy and Grandma Helen and now they don’t.  Note to the Queefies: Don’t be born on the same day as somebody who might die before you.

Does Crissy sound depressed to you?

Crissy thinks so.

Maybe it’s the THREE WEEKS STRAIGHT OF RAIN AND 65 DEGREE TEMPS that has Crissy all bummed out.

But don’t worry about Crissy.  There are fun plans for tomorrow night and  Crissy is looking forward to having dinner with Rich and Michele and hopefully Mister will be able to make it because of course he has to work late and maybe he won’t be there.

But it will be fun no matter what because Crissy plans to drown in copious amounts of alcohol and maybe be Party Asshole which will make Rich and Michele laugh and that will make Crissy laugh too.

Also, Crissy’s step-mom said she’d buy her this for her birthday:

Crissy got a microwave last year and a fridge this year and if this keeps up, she’ll have a whole new kitchen by the time she’s 40!


And Crissy’s mom and her mother-in-law are paying for her two pairs of glasses so that’s really nice too.

As for Mister, Crissy does not think she’s getting a present because the trip to the vet with Alice pretty much ate up all the money he had budgeted for a present and so for her birthday Mister gave Crissy the gift of not having to clean up bloody diarrhea.


But you know what?  That is a pretty sweet gift when Crissy thinks of it because it keeps on giving every time Alice goes potty outside and not on the antique grandmother dining room rug.

But if he could, Crissy would tell Mister to buy this stuff Mister would bestow the following gifts upon Crissy:

A shopping trip here and here.

And Crissy still wants that bike from last year.

And she needs to get her hair did because seriously?

Crissy is not really blond and it is becoming rather apparent that Crissy’s real hair color is more like that of a field mouse without all the glitz and glamor of actually being fieldmousian.

Shhhhhhhh! Tell nobody.

And of course on the list every damn time and nobody has gotten it for her yet is this:

Seriously people.  They’re not getting any cheaper.

Crissy would totally keep going with this because her list of needs and wants is pretty much endless as befitting the Queen of Fucking Everything but Homeslice is crying and it means only one thing.

Crissy has to go.

Do you know what Crissy wants now?

She wants this:

It’s fuckin’ mad sick, yo.

It’s Edward’s Volvo S60R and

huhuhuhuhhhuuuuu that vampire has fine taste in automobiles and Crissy wants. She does not care if Edward comes with it or not but on second thought maybe it would be nice because he would have to teach her how to drive it and let her touch his penis by accident on purpose whilst reaching for the “stick” because despite her best efforts last year, she still does not know how to drive one of those.

Do you Queefs remember that last year Crissy wanted a black BMW in the worst way, and if you clicked on the link you would know that, but then she saw this car instead and now she wants it instead of the BMW because who wouldn’t?

It’s way better.

And Crissy would do all sorts of Fancy Driving in it just like Edward. Stop sign? Meh. If Crissy speeds through a stop sign so fast you can’t see her it is not wrong.


And let’s just see how the Escalade Pajama Cunts do trying to park their big fat hogs in front of the school when Crissy gets her new Volvo. Crissy doesn’t think she’ll have any more trouble with those bitches because her new Volvo can do stuff that their giant truck things cannot like pop a wheelie and peel out and take that spot right from them before they even know what happened!

Put a quarter in your ass ’cause you played yourself, bitch.

That’s Crissy’s parking spot now.


Crissy’s old mom Saab can’t do that, you know. Crissy tried it and now Mister has to get her a new wheel or transmission or fly wheel or whatever but Crissy says to him not to bother because she’s getting Edward’s car instead.

In a two door please because fuck the dumb shit.

Crissy is made for speed and two extra doors will only slow her down.

Just as soon as Girlfriend and Taco are out of their car seats, Crissy is getting one.

It’s going to be so sweet you guys.