And we shall name it Taco.

When you have a baby everything about your relationship with the person who knocked you up and volunteered to stick around married to changes.

For example, let’s say it’s 2 in the afternoon on a Sunday and there’s nothing to do but Make Sexy Time.

Can’t do it.

There’s this hanging around:

How freaking cute is Girlfriend’s school picture? Too cute, Queefs. Too cute.

Or let’s just say that it’s 2 am and you’ve had a dream about Sexy Time and you’d like to see how it ends and you need to finish the deal.

Nope.

This is in your bed:

because it’s got a cold or there were Aliens in her closet (Crissy swears she does not talk to Girlfriend about Aliens. Girlfriend developed this fear all by herself. She knows they’re coming too. Obama, CALL US!!!) or some fucking thing that requires her to sleep in your bed with you.

And sometimes this does a little cock blocking:

And this is a big offender too:

She decides that Sexy Time is the best time to rest her head on mommy’s shoulder and insist on getting Lovey Time For Alice.

And Crissy is getting rawther frustrated because it’s not like Crissy is one for having the Sexy Time all the time but Jeezus does it suck when the more than willing handyman with the all the right tools is only two feet away from her and yet cannot fix her situation.

And it’s not like Crissy can rub one out either because again,

Hi!!!

Crissy is getting ready to hump her co-workers (you’ve been warned Lynn-e) or her desk chair or the UPS delivery guy.

ANYTHING.

Crissy must find some way to solve her little problem before she does something unfortunate.

Remember how the other day Crissy told you the story about how mall security caught her shoplifting a vibrator and a jar of peach flavored Body Butter from Spencer’s? And how Crissy took the stuff because she was too embarrassed to buy it and found it was far less humiliating to get caught by security, be strip searched by a same sex oriented security thing and then have them call her parents and tell them what they found in her purse?

Yes?

Well Crissy had made shoplifting a bit of a hobby way back in the day and she never took anything big but just little stuff like thongs and lipsticks and one time an aquamarine and diamond ring and stuff like that. It’s very hard to be a suburban teenager with a new sports car and nothing better to do but go to the mall with only the pittance you get from babysitting for little Sarah and Timmy Martin on Fridays.

Crissy’s needs were far too great to live within the confines of the sad and sorry $20 per week she had in her pocketbook. And that $20 was supposed to cover gas money too!

WTF???

And Crissy was very good at stealing stuff and in fact it wasn’t really her that was caught stealing at all but her stupid ham fisted friends. She got lumped in with the amatures. So. Not. Fair.

Crissy still does it sometimes because it’s important to keep your hand in.

Plus it’s really fun to stick it to the man.

Anywho, the reason why Crissy is telling you this is that she has noticed that Girlfriend is quite the little thief.

A couple of weeks ago while at the grocery store Girlfriend was begging Crissy to buy her a pack of gum. Crissy said “No. Mommy has plenty of gum in her purse.” And then Girlfriend goes “Awwwww…but Moooommmyyyy!” And then Crissy is all “Forget it.” And then Girlfriend got quiet and Crissy watched out of the corner of her eye whilst dicking around with the motherfuckingselfcheckoutmachine as Girlfriend took the gum and wrapped it in her shirt.

When Crissy was done scribbling Fuck off and Die on the credit card signature pad, a thing Crissy has taken to doing quite regularly now, she turned to Girlfriend and said “what’s in your shirt?” “Nothing mom” says Girlfriend as she nonchalantly studies the ceiling. “You’re busted lady. Put the gum back.” And she did.

And Crissy found a pair of barrettes in the bottom of the washer that she’s never seen before and when she asked Girlfriend about them she said they were a “gift from the teacher.” Uh huh. There’s also a Tony the Tiger pedometer that seems to have come from “nowhere” too.

Mister decided to have a bit of a sit down with her and asked her how she’d feel if someone took her stuff and do you know what she said Queefs?

“I’m not stupid. I keep my stuff with me daddy.”

We’re fucked.

There Crissy was minding her own business standing at the kitchen sink shaking a martooni washing dishes when she heard Girlfriend singing to her play-dough:

“She might make you breakfast and love you in the shower.”

RRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTT!!!!

(that was the sound of a record scratching for those of you who don’t dj on the weekends)

She’s singing a Madonna song. All of it.

And Crissy wonders if this is a song she might be singing elsewhere.

Like at Preschool.

Crissy is wondering if she’s made a mistake by letting Girlfriend listen to grown-up music in the car but you have to understand Queefs!

Crissy hates kid music. The only album that’s listenable is The Wiggles Live Hot Potatoes.

or Sesame Street Hot! Hot! Hot!

But the rest is Pure Crap! Do you want to listen to Miss Lila’s Songs for Little Voices?

Fuck. No.

Crissy sure as shit doesn’t want to either.

But Crissy must have music in the car because it drowns out the sounds of people shouting and honking at her she likes it.

Sometimes we listen to show tunes like from The Sound of Music and Annie and Mary Poppins and A Chorus Line (Dance:10; Looks:3 is our jam) but they can get a little bit old.

Sometimes we just want to rock out and so we listen to Fergie and Cake and Madonna and Duffy and Joss Stone and Nelly Furtado and a few others that Girlfriend and Crissy have deemed mutually acceptable.

And how many Preschoolers do you know can say they learned how to spell B-a-n-a-n-a-s from Gwen Stefani?

Not many Queefs. Not many at all.

This makes Girlfriend quite the hipster.

But Crissy worries that it’s not such a great idea. Crissy thinks she might need something more appropriate for Girlfriend to listen to that won’t make Crissy puke.

And so we’re getting this from the library which will raise our coolness factor pretty much through the roof:

Just wait.

If you think Crissy and Girlfriend are cool now, wait until we get a little J-5 in the old mommy mobile.

You won’t even be able to touch us.