For those of us who aren’t yippie-skipping off to BlogHer, here’s an Ask Girlfriend for you.  It’s arguably better than Vaginapalooza.  If you really want, I’ll mail you a laundry soap sample and a cheap vibrator and you can tell everyone you were there and you didn’t even have to spend $150,000 or put pants on.

Dear girlfriend, I have a new boss at work and he doesn’t like how much time we spend on the internet.  how can i get away with reading blogs all day without him noticing?

You should, when you hear his footsteps, you should do what you’re supposed to do. You should fool him. Look on the Internet until he comes in and then stop.

Dear Girlfriend,
My daughter is going to become a big sister for the first time soon, do you have any advice for a big sister to be?

Hmmm…Yes. Do you know what? You should not let the baby pull your hair or climb on the couch. My sister does that and yours will too. You should go everywhere to hide from her because she’s annoying. I’ve been through it and you’ll go through it soon and guess what? You should hide in the basement. And please, please, please find some quite time just for yourself.

Dear Girlfriend- I just had a baby 4 months ago and my husband (her daddy) wants another one already! I keep telling him I’m tired and I think we should wait a while, but he says no. What can I tell him to get him to change his mind?
Sincerely- Tired Mama

Tell him to go play the Wii. That’ll keep him busy.

Dear Girlfriend,
What do you do about a person who chews their gum too loud? Also what about farting?

Hold your nose and cover your ears. That’s what you should do. Or just go outside. It shouldn’t be a problem.

Girlfriend, I would like to stop being mistaken for a child. I am almost 27. How can I look more like a grown up?

Stand on your tippie toes and buy some Romper Stompers. Romper Stompers are big dinosaur feet. Your mom can show you how to use them. You should also get a gumball machine for your birthday.

i’ve got a really good question for her:

how can we make our five year old stop chattering and babbling and yelling all day long?

Give her some salad and take her to the mountains and bring Sassy water–basil, cucumbers, and lemon juice.

I really like to drink wine at the end of a busy day. But one glass turns into three so quickly and then the bottle is gone. Am I consuming too much, what does my liver think?

Mommy in love with Chardonnay

Yes. You drink waaaaayyyy too much. Stop drinking for a little bit. Try to drink some soda or lemonade instead.

Dear Girlfriend,

My son wears a leg brace that covers his entire left leg. His leg broke when he was just 6 months old and he will have to wear a brace until he is about 18 years old. I’m worried about him getting bullied at school or made fun of because of the brace he has to wear. He’s only three and in preschool. Do you think the kids will be nice to him? What are some things we can do to make sure he’s not bullied?

Sincerely,
Worried Mommy

You should bring an extra leg brace for the other kids to try on so they know what it feels like to be him. I think the kids will be nice to him. Also, bring soda.

Dear Girlfriend – Don’t you think Thomas and Toby have a little something going on the side?

Yes.

Please tell Girlfriend she gives excellent advice and that my long hair is just brown, not purple or red. But I may try purple extensions. Next question:

“Girlfriend, I am now scared that I might trip on my long hair and fall while I’m running. But if I stop running, I might get pudgy from lack of exercise. What other kind of exercise should I do?”

She should pretend to run.

I totally need to sell 5,000 copies of my new book so I won’t be a broke-ass
mama anymore and so people will like me (you know, like that lady who wrote
all the Twilight books? Stephanie Whatsherface?).

Have you ever sold anything? If so, how did you get people to buy it? I
mean, I don’t want to sell my panties on Craiglist or anything, because who
would do that? Right?

Sincerely,
Broke-ass Mama

Yes. I have sold nothing before.  Maybe you could have a yard sale in your house.

Dear Girlfriend,

I recently lost my job. I need to have a job so I can have money. But, I really like to make bath fizzies and having a job cuts into my time to make bath fizzies. I don’t make enough money selling bath fizzies to pay my bills. Should I stop spending time on bath fizzies and try to be happy working a real job? Or should I do what I love and be poor?

You rock!

Thank you,

The Bath Fizzie Lady

Um, you should do what you love and don’t be poor. Do not. Work and work and work at your bath fizzies and maybe you’ll be rich. I’ll buy some bath fizzies from you. I have some money in my piggy bank.

What do think is the best way to help mom or dad feel better when they are sick and not feeling well?

Give em’ get well cards and fold the laundry!

I have a young daughter. What kind of fun father things should I do with her? She likes Elmo. She hates Jack in the boxes, as I and the rest of Target discovered today.

Don’t buy a Jack in the Box! Get no Jack in the Boxes!

Dear Girlfriend,

How do you keep your girlish figure and what do you recommend for me to do the same?

Kid’s yoga.  You should do that. And eat healthy food like a carrot once in a while and only have one cookie.  That will keep you fit and trim and dazzling.

Dear Girlfriend,

What makes Alice get diarrhea?

Worms in her throat. And coffee. Sometimes that gives my mom diarrhea too.

Dear Girlfriend,

I am not a good money manager. What should I do to save lots of dough for a fabulous trip to Hawaii?

Sincerely,

Pisses her money away

Don’t go anywhere right now because you’ll lose more money.  You should wait until you get to the airport and only give them some of your money and tell them you only want to go to Hawaii. You don’t want any of the other stuff.

Dear Girlfriend,
How do you get a boy to like you and want to marry you?

You have to love him and give him presents.  Very good presents.  But not a Wii or anything, okay? The Wii will make his brain fall asleep and it’s not good for him.  Also, it helps him not do the dishes.

Dear Girlfriend,
Why doesn’t my baby sleep better at night? How did you get your sister to sleep long enough that Mommy doesn’t pull her hair out and want to kick kittens?
Love,
Tired all the time

I rub my sister’s back and I sing a song to her.  When that doesn’t work I tell her to shut up. You shouldn’t kick kittens.

Dear Girlfriend,
I’ve been really busy lately and I think my stuffed animals are getting
lonely. All day long they sit up on the shelf waiting for me to come
home and play with them but I’ve got lots to do! What is the best way
to keep my stuffed buddies entertained and keep them from getting all
dusty when I don’t have time for them?

Also, what would you think of some purple streaks in my hair?

Busy in Gastonia

You should stay upstairs and not do what your mother says.  Don’t go to work if you don’t want to leave them. You should buy purple extensions and only put them on your hair sometimes. That’s what I do and it’s perfectly fine.

Dear Girlfriend,

How do you react when Mom embarrasses you in front of your friends? How do you get Mom to stop?

I always walk away and sometimes I flick a balloon in her face and sometimes I make a huge mess in the dining room.

Dear girlfriend: How do you suggest I do mischief at work and not get in trouble for it?

You should do all your work and not stop and walk right past your boss like nothing’s wrong. You should put on a disguise. Get new clothes and dress up like a girl when you do bad stuff and put on fancy shoes and make nobody see you.

Here’s my question for Girlfriend: I have my HS reunion this weekend and it’s at some swanky bar and the dress code is “cocktail”. I don’t have an LBD so WHAT DO I WEAR???

Um. You should buy one or you could borrow one from your mom! How old are you? Did you grow up with any money? You should wear a jewelry dress that has jewels all over like beads and other stuff or like a sunshine made out of yellow beads or orange beads because sometimes the sun looks orange. I don’t know what you’d do if it rains. Maybe you should just go to the zoo with your friends from school instead. Then you should get some strawberries from the grocery store and make a strawberry milkshake.

My question for girlfriend: My 4 year old son is starting preschool for the first time next month, any advice for his first day of school? What should he do to make friends?

He should bring everyone a present. And only go outside to play when the teacher says you can. Anyway when I started preschool I was kind of nervous. I had my own backpack and my own cubby. I made friends by playing all by myself and I was really jazzy, and so other kids joined in so they could be jazzy too. I was in the boat outside. I was having very much fun. And then Christiana came over and played with me. And then some other kids. I made friends very quickly and so will that little boy. Say “good luck little boy. Stay calm and play by yourself until somebody joins in. That’s what to do.”

Dear Girlfriend,
I have long hair, long enough so that I can sit on it, but my boyfriend says he likes it when girls have short flippy hair. Should I cut off my beautiful long hair so he’ll like it better?

Sincerely,
Rapunzel’s Evil Twin (who, frankly, has been stewing over that comment for days and days because first of all it’s been five years and NOW you’re gonna make comments and if we’re speaking of hair let’s talk about your ass! and really if we’re cutting anything off around here it’s gonna be your balls mister. whew. okay, /rant. But I’d still like to hear what Girlfriend has to say.)

You should only cut it a little bit. Just do one huge trim. It’ll grow back, I promise. It’s too long anyway because you could trip and fall on it if you’re running. I wouldn’t cut mine because it’s not too long. It can get in your face when it’s too long. Or she can put it in 27 pony tails. What color is her hair, anyway? I hope she doesn’t say purple or red.

Keep your questions coming, she loved it!  How often does a 5 year-old get to tell a bunch of grownups what to do?

MORE QUESTIONS!