I’m Chris and I usually write at my site, surviving myself, but because Kristen is on vacation and Nice and maybe felt bad for me because I have no life, she gave me the honor of guest posting here today.
Kristen always goes on and on about being a woman and how women have Lots To Deal With like having a baby and blah, blah, blah, so I thought I’d take this chance to explain what problems men have.
Or more specifically, what problems I have.
I can’t piss under pressure.
It’s a terrible problem.
You think having a child is hard?
Try walking to the bathroom, having to pee so bad that maybe you’re thinking about just going in your pants a little instead, only to have someone walk in and stand right next to you and because of the presence of this Foreign Penis about a foot away from you, you can’t do it.
This happens to me all the time.
I really can’t do it.
When I’m on line at a game or a concert, I have to pray to the Bathroom Gods that I get a stall because there is no way Little Chris (he’s not little really, that’s just a funny name, like when you call someone “little” even though they are HUGE) is going to perform his duty.
No way, no how. Not going to happen.
So I have to retract my man and then withdraw into the masses clouded in shame.
But that’s neglecting the most frustrating part of My Condition – the acting.
I have to sit there and act like I’m pissing, even though I’m not.
I give it a minute.
Maybe flush the urinal to cover the lack of pissing sounds on my part.
Look around a little. But not too much.
Then give a fake shake and zip up, all without actually accomplishing my only goal: To relieve myself into a porcelain receptacle which may or may not have one of those little blue smelly things at the bottom.
It’s all very embarrassing.
But this is what I must deal with everyday of my life.
Living on The Edge, never knowing if I will actually be able to piss when I get to the bathroom, or if I’ll merely pretend to piss and then leave a broken, shell of a man.
And, by the way, it is big – I was just joking about all that Little Chris stuff.
Really, it’s huge.