Because:40

2014-12-31 12.39.27-50

 

I didn’t think turning 40 was any kind of big whoop, so when the day came I did not drop my basket. I realize that for some people, turning 40 is a crisis, but I don’t get it. I’m going to save freaking out for my 90th birthday when I realize I’m gonna die pretty soon because that’s just nature’s way. It’s too soon to phone it in at this point.

All that said, there are things about being 40 that are a bit of a bother.

  • It all comes full circle when you find yourself calling your mom to ask her questions about hot flashes and other ridiculous shit because your hormones are suddenly like “later, bitch!”
  • Incidentally,  your pre-tween daughter is coming to you with questions about her boobs.
  • Said pre-tween daughter now takes the same size shoes as you do and will be wearing your clothes by this time next year. The good news? Your wardrobe just doubled. The bad news? So did hers.
  • That puppy you got as your “practice baby” when you were 28 is now deaf and wearing diapers. After successfully potty training two babies, you’ve totally nailed the diapering thing and so “practice baby” is now just a cruel joke.
  • What metabolism?
  • You have to switch positions during sexy time because the sound of your cracking hips is too distracting.
  • Pooping on the regs is no longer a thing. You find yourself actually considering buying that Activia yogurt stuff. If it’s good enough for Jamie Lee Curtis, it’s good enough for you!
  • Depression and anxiety once experienced in younger days and expressed through emo poetry and random poo poo baby blog posts now comes out to frighten your family (and sometimes even you). When will mommy turn into a raging thundercunt? Nobody knows!
  • Your shit is falling apart, and you find yourself collecting “ologists” now instead of cocktail recipes: Cardiologist, Gastroenterologist, Gynecologist, Rheumatologist, and coming soon Gerontologist! When that day comes, I’m going to write my first musical. It will be brilliant.
  •  Grey hair, wrinkles AND acne. This seems gratuitous.
  • My doctor is younger than me and I do not trust that he knows anything at all. He probably doesn’t know who The Goonies are and I cannot have it. Next doctor I find who can name all of the goonies is going to be the winner. There may be a high five in there somewhere too. Can you high five your doctor? You can if it’s the right doctor.
  • Something always hurts for no particular reason. This changes daily and sometimes hourly.
  • I realize I look like my mother. This is not a bad thing, but it’s taken this long for the resemblance to really present itself as we now have matching wrinkles. Hers are just 25 years deeper is all.
  • Nirvana is now considered “classic.” (shudder)
  • I smell weird.

The end.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Similar Posts:

17 comments

  1. I had my big crisis at 30 (for which I fully blame the movie ‘Logans Run’). On my 33rd birthday, I woke up to discover that I had the chicken pox. At 35, everyone I knew was invited to my birthday party. Not a soul came. My daughter came downstairs about 10PM that night, had a piece of my cake and said “I’m sorry you don’t have any friends, Mom”. So, by the time I got to 40, I was pretty jaded.

    I am now cruising up on 50 at an alarming pace. I’m pretty sure that’ll be the point at which Mr. POSSLQ quietly slips off into the night because he just can’t take The Crazy anymore.

    And, to clarify… your nose works oddly (I smell weird) or you, personally have an odd odour about you? Just curious.

  2. Now I know why I follow your blog. I just turned 40 in Dec. You’re spot on. I have aches and pains I never had at 39. This was suppose to be the best years ugh!

  3. “Everything I have two of, one of them hurts.” – A wonderful woman in the documentary “Advanced Style” currently available on Netflix. I recommend it with both of my nuts.

  4. I should add that I also take probiotics and the poop is def regs. (I’m 38) I don’t go for the yogurt stuff but I do use these: http://hyperbiotics.com/

    I’ve tried a bunch and like these the best. They really help get the shit out regularly, without straining and blowing out the ol’ o-ring trying to pass the Redwood you built out of cupcakes in yer colon.

  5. I’m 1.5 years behind and I’m already feeling quite the same as what you describe, except for the hot flashes and the hips cracking. Waking up every day there seems to be a new pain somewhere and oh.. the smell weird part is sooooo true! Then again, we men do smell weird after 35. Or always.

  6. when you pass 40 yo, the price of candles is more expensive than bithday cake…..
    no crackink hips for me….lol
    and we are watching the goonies with kids….

  7. I am going to turn 70 before the year is out. In my life, food has replaced sex, and now I can’t even get into my own pants.

    Feel free to steal the line; I didn’t have any qualms copping it for myself.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *