2014-07-30 19.07.34-113

I realize bathing suit season is pretty much over, but I cannot let this one go for too much longer as some pools and beaches are still open. For some of you, they never close (I HATE, HATE, HATE YOU!).

For those of you who are also facing the frozen tundra of decay and SADness, there’s nothing worse than seeing some sunny assmonkey in a bathing suit when you are wrapped in sweaters and fleece pants, fingerless gloves, a hat and fuzzy slippers (just to get through dinner preparations) while your electric blanket heats your bed for you before you slip under the finest down comforter IKEA has to offer.

With all those clothes still on.

It’s getting to be that time here in New England, but one day this summer, I excitedly opened an Amazon Prime package, thinking Mister had gotten me a present and HE SURE DID!

In the bag was a very small bathing suit bottom.

I looked at it for a while and thought, “these cute boyshorts might look nice on me,” but when Mister got home, he explained that the suit was for HIM.

OMFG, really?

I was horrified.

Horrified.

My husband is gonna wear nut huggers to the beach this year!

Whatever shall I do?

He tried it on and it actually looked decent because Mister is pretty ripped and lean despite his diet of chicken nuggets and pizza and lack of regular exercise which he prefers to get “in situ,” which means that he doesn’t exert himself unless he is forced into it.

Life is so unfair.

He even poops on the regs which makes me jealous because despite my exercise routine, vegetable based diet comprised of disgusting kale smoothies, salad, probiotics and Citrucel regimen, I still gain weight at the mere sight of a cupcake and suffer from non-pooping syndrome: which I’m sure is still colon cancer despite my doctor friend’s assessment to the contrary.

But this is all beside the point. I just really wanted to talk about poop for a second.

So, to my horror, he intended to wear this very European style suit IN AMERICA ON THE BEACH IN AMERICA!

I decided that if we were to appear at the beach as an obvious family we would need to fake an accent (possibly Russian because that is my favorite) so people wouldn’t think we were weird and move their children/blankets farther away from us because: “that guy’s junk is all out there! Those people are so weird!”

But, if we fake a Russian accent, they may say: “they seem to be some kinda European so we’ll just let them do their thing, but please, children, hide your eyes. It’s rude to stare at a dude’s junk!”

(I suspect most guys would love for someone to stare at their junk, but with kids around it’s just creepy, agreed?)

Luckily, every time we found the opportunity to go to the beach this year it was shitty and overcast, so no clothing was removed at any time.

We dodged a bullet there, but I can assure you that I will face this same issue next beach season.

All of this said, I understand where he was going with that suit. Board shorts must suck. They stay wet forever and stick to the legs. I have the same problem with my ultra padded bikini tops (the rumors are true: Crissy has no tits). They hold water that you have to squeeze out (because that’s not awkward at all to do in public) and then even after the squish, they sit there like two sopping woolen mittens on your chesitcals for hours.

You haven’t seen pruning until you’ve seen pruning boobs.

So, I get it. I really do.

But nuts are already all pruny, so like, maybe I don’t get it?  I don’t know.

Anyway, we are in the wrong country and so the huddled masses at the beach will not understand.

The bathing suit issue is resolved for now, but it will return.  Look for that coming Summer 2015.

I’m sure this story is NOT over.