You Know that Bad Dream You Have Where You’re Standing Naked in Front of a Classroom Full of People?

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Except I’m considering getting paid to do it for art students.

Monica the Ninjarapist thinks it could be very good for me in terms of making a mind/body connection, so we got the go-ahead there from the head lady.

I figure I look decent naked and although they take any shape/size/or age and nobody is there to judge, I think I’d make a fine candidate and at $16 an hour, I think I can sit still for 20 minutes at a stretch.

In fact, please god give me the chance to sit still and do nothing.

Getting paid is a bonus. I should be paying them just for the chance to sit my ass down and not do anything.  It would be a blessing, plus I don’t even have to wear a bra (hate those fuckers).

Only problem is, can I really do this?

Can I really be naked in front of a  room full of strangers and not DIE TO DEATH OF HUMILIATION?

Everyone I have talked to from both sides as drawer and draw-ee both agree that it is NOT weird. Like, at all. They’re there to draw shapes, not stuff grants or benjamins in your ass crack (although, if they felt moved to do so, I would not be opposed).

But let’s say that I can get past the “being naked in front of a room full of people” thing, I have a few practical concerns as well.

What if I’m sweaty and my pits start dripping? Do I shove kleenex up there and keep my arms firmly at my sides?  I’m gonna be a little nervous so the likelihood of my having a pit incident is quite high.

In fact, it’s a guarantee.

Maybe it will just roll down my body and pool up on the table or whatever?  I can then be a model posing in a swimming pool of perspiration.  Throw some lilly pads and Koi in there and we’ve got something really special going on.

“Farcical aquatic nude in repose”

Also, what if I have my special lady times?

Not only is there bloating and acne to consider, but there’s also the small matter of a string. Sure, you can tuck that sucker way up in there ,but what if if works it’s way back out?

WHAT THEN?

32 students with a lovely drawing of my tampon string.

“Vaginal Marionette, sitting in contemplation”

And what if I have a Rite Aide type incident?  There’s no clothing to act as a filter or muffler.  It’s just gonna be out there and depending on what I’m sitting on, there may even be reverberation.

I’m not sure if there’s anything more humiliating than farting in front of a room full of people whilst naked.

That’s a dual fecta of embarrassment.

“Nude with buttocks issue”

But you know what?

Fuck it.

This is real life.

Draw that shit motherfuckers because this is what you’re parents are paying hard earned money for. You bring your pictures home and you show them what you did at school today!

Have any of you done this?  What was your experience?

What did you do about your tampon string?

 

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9 comments

  1. My thoughts…

    1) This WILL be good for you.
    2) This is art NOT porn.
    3) $16 an hour is a lot more than Im making right now so Ill be super excited to just hang out for it.
    4) no one should be seeing your tampon string unless your flashing them an intimate view of your lady bits. This is even if you get your period (which is one week a month so calm down, likely hood is low)
    5) Be proud of yourself. You are a mother, fierce warrior queen that has survived setting herself ablaze, and a general badass. If the people want to imortalize you then they are just damn lucky.
    6)Confidence is key (I would go nude with cowgirl boots on) Just a suggestion

    Love theyself Chica
    Molly

  2. All of the nude models I’ve met have been the chillest, laid back, hilarious people. I’m inclined to think its like reaching a level of DGAF nirvana.

    Also I would totally do it. And you should totally do it. Farts and strings be damned. The girls won’t give a fuck and lets face it, dudes in their 20s could use a reality check.

  3. You will be just fine. I just think you need to ease into it. Get naked in front of 32 close friends for 20 minutes while they draw you. I volunteer!

  4. If I posed naked, it would give the students nightmares, but if I was still younger (when I was better looking) I would’ve done it just for art’s sake. Nudity is only a big deal to the tight-asses that see it that way. Tell the students that they can get naked too if it makes them more comfortable, laugh, and just do it. It’ll be fun for us to hear what was going through your mind.

  5. I thought you used the lady cup or something like that. You washed it out and reused it? Also, Secret has this outlast deodorant/antiperspirant that promises 48 hours of sweat/odor free protection. I have some $1.00 off coupons that I’d be happy to mail to you. I got them from BzzAgent and a sample of the deodorant.

    I think you should do it because it would make for great blog fodder. Just a couple of hours nude in front of art students would likely result in at least 10-15 interesting blog posts as your mind will rethink the whole situation a dozen times.

  6. Born In 69 my mother was a hippie. I don’t remember anyone with clothes on. I even got to pass the joint around the circle. She posed naked for an art class and I was there. We still have my drawing as funny as it was. I say take your beautiful body, forget your insecurities and go for it. Just don’t take your kids.

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