Princess Incontinentia


My house smells like pee.

We live in Urine Central:all of the time.

No matter how fastidious I am about cleaning and washing things on the regs, It still smells really similar to a nursing home kind of thing where they try to cover up the odor of decay and incontinence with Lysol or Pine-Sol or some shit like that.  In my opinion, I prefer the smell of feces to the smell of Pine-Sol.

I use fancy and expensive all natural products that smell like butterfly wings and kittens because I like to be smug .The only fish and wildlife and environment threatening product I use is Lysol scrubbing bubbles for the shower. I refuse to give that shit up. Fuck my dish scrubber full of white vinegar and all natural dish liquid. FUCK. That. I have clear glass shower doors, so you understand. Sorry Pinterest. I tried, I really did.

So, my house smells of dog urine and fancy overpriced organic products (highly recommend the Method clover scented room de-stench-or-izer. It’s expensive as all hell and the bottle lasts for like, 13 seconds, but it’s a small price to pay because your house will smell like freshly cut grass for DAYS).

Even with all my efforts, it still smells like pee with a hint of Method clover scented urine. Upside: clover scented urine is marginally better than just plain urine.


The problem is that even though everyone is housebroken, including newbie Stannis, there’s one problem we cannot solve.

Poor Alice is ancient (going on 12 in January) and she is totally incontinent.  She leaks pee all of the time.  Every waking moment of her life, she leaks pee. Her bummy is always wet and her white fur is stained with yellow pee stains despite the weekly baths (if you wash her more often, even with the most gentle all-natural oatmeal dog shampoo, it aggravates her old lady skin problems).

Bless her little heart, she knows it’s naughty to pee in the house, so she spends her days licking up her accidents as they are happening.  Her back must hurt so much from assuming a constant pee-licking position, but this is her life now because she is old.

We tried meds, but they make her fee like shit.  I can see it in her expressions that the meds, while effective, make her feel uncomfortable in other ways, so I choose not to give them to her.

Our next step was to try doggie diapers with a maxi pad liner to soak up the pee. She seemed more comfortable that way and stopped the incessant licking, but the diapers don’t stay on very well because she doesn’t have a damned tail.

Not only is Poor old Alice incontinent, she is also now almost completely deaf.  She misses meals because she can’t hear the food hitting the bowl, so we have to go find her and wake her up and direct her to her dish via sign language before the Greyhounds get a chance to gank her food.

She gets left outside all alone because she didn’t hear us call for dogs to come in.

She  wakes up alone because she was sleeping and didn’t know everyone left the room.  We have to look for her and direct her to where we have moved.

Just until recently, Alice was my constant shadow, and now she’s out of the loop.  She’s not allowed on our bed anymore because of the leaking pee.  Despite my attempts to put a towel down for her to lay on, she prefers to lay next to it instead of ON it, so she’s off mommy’s bed now too.

Her heart is broken and she does not understand why she is now an outcast.

I don’t want this for her, but this is what is happening.  This is the same bullshit that lands people in an “assisted living facility.”

Poor Alice is in her twilight years for sure but she is still happy despite her challenges:  when you pet her, she makes the most glorious sounds of relief and appreciation because I’m sure that along with the incontinence and deafness, she is also achy all over.

This is old age.

She still serves as Group Sergeant and makes it her job to announce when Stannis and Vivi are enjoying themselves too much by barking her fucking ass off.

She also still barks her ass at company if they move, just so we know “hey! hey! that guy just moved!”

The only blessing here is that she’s not Incontinentia Buttocks.

But that’s way easier to clean up, so I don’t know.

What would you prefer?

Incontinentia buttocks or Incontinentia urine?

I am undecided.


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  1. Aw, poor Alice. Barney is in the same phase of life but instead of peeing he’s rubbing his gooey hotspots all over everything and he has a constant lip fold infection. Am I an awful dog owner because I didn’t know my dog had lip folds for the first 12 years of his life?

    Have you tried Proin for incontinence? It worked great for my old ladies with no side effects. For weekly baths I highly recommend Hylyte soapless shampoo. You can get it from your vet or on Amazon. It doesn’t strip the oils from the skin so isn’t irritating.

  2. How about putting the diaper on her and then putting her in a onesie?

    You could also use something like this: with “suspenders” to keep the diaper on.

    It makes me sad to think of the poor doggie being stressed out because she thinks she’s being naughty and there isn’t anything she can do about it. I hope you find a solution.

  3. You say incontinentia buttocks is easier to clean up. God forbid they eat non-old-lady-dog kibble. Easier goes out the window.

    This is how I learn certain things are not marketing gimmicks. Old dogs need old dog kibble, lol.

    1. I don’t mind incontinentia buttocks as much if it’s SOLID. Otherwise I’d stick with the urine. Alice eats what everyone eats. They swap dishes, so getting her old lady dog food is not really an option. :/

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