Monica the ninjaerapist thinks I drink too much.
Most people I know drink at least one bottle of wine per night or more.
This is my culture, these are my people.
And we all get our freelancing done and kid’s homework/permission slips/various school bullshit/healthy breakfasts/lunches and dinner/baths/ridiculous curly long hair brushing requiring multiple products and various types of hairbrushes and techniques/tooth brushing/reading log assignments done accurately and on time.
The floors are cleaned, toys picked up, pets fed and dishes are done.
I suppose I am what you would call a “functional alcoholic” since everything I do past the hour of winethirty pm gets done in A+ to B+ fashion.
Nobody is neglected and nobody suffers. I end up in bed with full teeth brushing and all anti-aging ointments and tinctures applied by approximately 8pm. Children go to bed at 8 with all necessary routines completed.
We hum along pretty well, but Monica theninjareapist thinks that one bottle of wine per night is too many.
I just had a full liver panel done recently and all is well there so I haven’t done any harm yet (possibly due to the daily kale/lemon/raspberry/raw almond/coconut water/flax seed/banana/spinach smoothies for breakfast).
Wait till she find out by “bottle of wine” I really mean one of the BIG bottles and not a regular sized.
She will shit, and so I will not tell her.
Because, is this an issue, really?
I wake up at 5am and get up to exercise and get the fam ready for the day.
Sometimes Girlfriend jumps on her bike and we go for a four mile bike/run a couple of times per week. I average 8:15 minutes per mile when I’m not stopping to make sure she’s keeping up and not getting hung up at intersections and whatnot.
Am I the face of alcoholism? I say nay. nay and here’s why:
Things happen as they should at all times.
Because of this, I’m making a case to change the term “functional alcoholism” to “functional because of alcoholism.”
Please, DSM-5, keep up with the times because we need your support.
Stressed out, self-medicating moms need a new category. It works. It’s not broken.
Livers may disagree (at which point we may re-assess) but everything else seems to be in order.
It’s the new way to get through parenting without freaking the fuck out because omfg there is so much work to do once you get home from work ie: your children and managing a family.
So fess up: how much do you drink per night? Are you able to function at A+ to B+ level? Maybe I’m normal or maybe I should stick to Monica the Ninjarapist’s recommendation of only one glass of wine per night ( in which case I will get much larger wine glasses and call it success!)