Wine Accountability


Monica the ninjaerapist thinks I drink too much.

Most people I know drink at least one bottle of wine per night or more.

This is my culture, these are my people.

And we all get our freelancing done and kid’s homework/permission slips/various school bullshit/healthy breakfasts/lunches and dinner/baths/ridiculous curly long hair brushing requiring multiple products and various types of hairbrushes and techniques/tooth brushing/reading log assignments done accurately and on time.

The floors are cleaned, toys picked up, pets fed and dishes are done.

I suppose I am what you would call a “functional alcoholic” since everything I do past the hour of winethirty pm gets done in A+ to B+ fashion.

Nobody is neglected and nobody suffers. I end up in bed with full teeth brushing and all anti-aging ointments and tinctures applied by approximately 8pm.  Children go to bed at 8 with all necessary routines completed.

We hum along pretty well, but Monica theninjareapist thinks that one bottle of wine per night is too many.

I just had a full liver panel done recently and all is well there so I haven’t done any harm yet (possibly due to the daily kale/lemon/raspberry/raw almond/coconut water/flax seed/banana/spinach smoothies for breakfast).

Wait till she find out by “bottle of wine” I really mean one of the  BIG bottles and not a regular sized.

She will shit, and so I will not tell her.

Because, is this an issue, really?

I wake up at 5am and get up to exercise and get the fam ready for the day.

Sometimes Girlfriend jumps on her bike and we go for a four mile bike/run a couple of times per week. I average 8:15 minutes per mile when I’m not stopping to make sure she’s keeping up and not getting hung up at intersections and whatnot.

Am I the face of alcoholism?  I say nay. nay and here’s why:

Things happen as they should at all times.

Because of this,  I’m making a case to change the term  “functional alcoholism” to “functional because of alcoholism.”

Please, DSM-5, keep up with the times because we need your support.

Stressed out, self-medicating moms need a new category.  It works. It’s not broken.

Livers may disagree (at which point we may re-assess) but everything else seems to be in order.

It’s the new way to get through parenting without freaking the fuck out because omfg there is so much work to do once you get home from work ie: your children and managing a family.

So fess up: how much do you drink per night? Are you able to function at A+ to B+ level? Maybe I’m normal or maybe I should stick to Monica the Ninjarapist’s recommendation of only one glass of wine per night ( in which case I will get much larger wine glasses and call it success!)

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    1. Ehpa, you get along just fine, girl.
      Who can make an exploding volcano cake?
      YOU CAN.
      Who has the best recipe for floor chicken, bar none?
      YOU DO.
      You’re winning at life.

  1. I am the child of a functional alcoholic. I have a margarita or a glass of wine maybe 3 to 4 times a year – but i also am not married and I don’t have children. I also have an older brother who is a drug addict. My brother started drinking on the sly around age 12 or 13 and then smoking pot at 14 or 15, and by 18 he had moved on to much harder stuff. Now at 37 he’s used drugs more of his life than he’s not used drugs. Personally from my experience I would say that you need to listen to Monica. Not that I am saying you drinking a bottle of wine every night will make your kids turn into addicts – because obviously I am not an addict and I was raised in the same household. However the drinking was something I was acutely aware of when I was younger. The drinking that happened every night (although it was beer and not wine), and that didn’t happen at the houses of my friends. The drinking that sometimes loosened lips and led to comments that shape young people and their ideas of the world and relationships. The drinking that led to my first time drinking with my older brother and his friends when I was 9. We snuck a bottle of peach schnapps and drank it. We of course got caught – which made a huge impact on my 9 year old self, but not on my 12 year old brother – he just got better at not getting caught. Alcoholism, functional or not, affects the entire family, and from that perspective I think you should at least give coping without it a shot – see how it goes. Coping without it might not be as bad as you expect.

    1. Megan, Thank you for sharing your story.
      My children are certainly aware that mom’s having wine, but I’m certainly not stumbling around drunk. In terms of them visiting other houses and not seeing anyone else’s parents drinking, that is not happening. They all drink.
      Everyone we know drinks daily. It’s the culture around here.
      I am very careful with my words around the kids and they are very happy and well adjusted, but I can absolutely see how things could slip out and then you cannot unsay them.
      I am perfectly able and capable to cope without it, but I just end up doing it. We have been dealing with some recent sadness and I think it’s just being used as a crutch for now.
      Monica is right. I do drink too much too often, but it’s something that is definitely on my radar and I’m keeping an eye on it.
      My post was meant to be humorous, but for many people it’s not a humorous situation.

      Thanks again for sharing your thoughts. XO

  2. Well, aren’t all these comments a barrel of laughs. I drink 0 to 8 drinks an evening, do not have children or a spouse, and function at B+ level (I fall asleep on the sofa with no washed face or brushed teeth every night, whether I drink or not). My life is at an A+ level of fun, and work is going really well, so I figure I’m doing something right. It’s probably all the weeknight wine I’m drinking with friends.

    You just need a bigger glass.

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