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And here they are: answers to your most burning life questions from our very own Homeslice!

No video though because Homeslice has the shyness and that’s ok because she’s only a fiver. Girlfriend has stage experience now since she’s been in theater class for two years, so she’s just waiting for an agent to call her at this point. Any day now, instant supastah!

Homeslice however, lacks stage experience and out and out refused to appear on video. So, here we have a humble post all typed out for the Queefies.

1) Kelly: Homeslice, remember when we first met and you said you were “hot and dangerous?” What does that mean? Also, what is your mutha saying these days?

Hot and dangerous means that you should not touch! It’s hot and you could get burned really, really bad and go to the hospital with doctors. 

My mother says “I LOVE you!”

2) Lynne: Home, can I call you Home? Ok, do you know why there are 8 hot dogs in a pack and only 6 buns?

I would eat up all the hot dogs. With mustard.

3) Mark: Homeslice, how old do you have to be to start swearing?

Ummm… 8?

4) Brittany: what steps are you actively taking to avoid being a cog in the capitalist machine?

Dancing!

5) Sarah: Homeslice, how much wine does mommy REALLY drink?

A hundreds!

6) Melissa: Dear homie how do you know when a boy likes you?

Can we just skip this one because boys are stupid. Except Sam.

7) Daniel:  Hey Homie, does daddy’s camera bother you?

Yes, because it flashes so bright!

8) Laura: Dear Homeslice, What is the best treat on Halloween?

Vanilla!

9) Catherine: Homeslice, what should I be when I grow up?

A zookeeper!

* editorial note: knowing Catherine’s profession, she is already a zookeeper of sorts.

10) Amanda: Dear Homeslice, How should I deal with rude passengers on crowded buses? The ones who take up way too much space for one person.

Ask them nicely: “could you please move somewhere else?”

11) Jen: Homeslice, why are you and your sister so cute? Can others be cute like you too?

Ask my mom. She made us in her tummy. She has a recipe!

12) Kendra: Why do cats like to sit on school papers?

School papers are dumb and they know.

13) Beth: Homeslice, what’s the best thing that’s happened to you since you stopped crapping in your pants?

Eating ice cream.

14) Rebecca: Homeslice, what are some of your favorite books?

No David! Cuz there’s a naked part. Also, Scaredy Cats, but nobody is naked, they’re cats.

15) Tophir: Homeslice what are your recommendations for defeating ISIS?

You mean like my sister? I don’t know.

We’ll give a shout out for a new batch soon! Keep a list. We have answers.

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Except I’m considering getting paid to do it for art students.

Monica the Ninjarapist thinks it could be very good for me in terms of making a mind/body connection, so we got the go-ahead there from the head lady.

I figure I look decent naked and although they take any shape/size/or age and nobody is there to judge, I think I’d make a fine candidate and at $16 an hour, I think I can sit still for 20 minutes at a stretch.

In fact, please god give me the chance to sit still and do nothing.

Getting paid is a bonus. I should be paying them just for the chance to sit my ass down and not do anything.  It would be a blessing, plus I don’t even have to wear a bra (hate those fuckers).

Only problem is, can I really do this?

Can I really be naked in front of a  room full of strangers and not DIE TO DEATH OF HUMILIATION?

Everyone I have talked to from both sides as drawer and draw-ee both agree that it is NOT weird. Like, at all. They’re there to draw shapes, not stuff grants or benjamins in your ass crack (although, if they felt moved to do so, I would not be opposed).

But let’s say that I can get past the “being naked in front of a room full of people” thing, I have a few practical concerns as well.

What if I’m sweaty and my pits start dripping? Do I shove kleenex up there and keep my arms firmly at my sides?  I’m gonna be a little nervous so the likelihood of my having a pit incident is quite high.

In fact, it’s a guarantee.

Maybe it will just roll down my body and pool up on the table or whatever?  I can then be a model posing in a swimming pool of perspiration.  Throw some lilly pads and Koi in there and we’ve got something really special going on.

“Farcical aquatic nude in repose”

Also, what if I have my special lady times?

Not only is there bloating and acne to consider, but there’s also the small matter of a string. Sure, you can tuck that sucker way up in there ,but what if if works it’s way back out?

WHAT THEN?

32 students with a lovely drawing of my tampon string.

“Vaginal Marionette, sitting in contemplation”

And what if I have a Rite Aide type incident?  There’s no clothing to act as a filter or muffler.  It’s just gonna be out there and depending on what I’m sitting on, there may even be reverberation.

I’m not sure if there’s anything more humiliating than farting in front of a room full of people whilst naked.

That’s a dual fecta of embarrassment.

“Nude with buttocks issue”

But you know what?

Fuck it.

This is real life.

Draw that shit motherfuckers because this is what you’re parents are paying hard earned money for. You bring your pictures home and you show them what you did at school today!

Have any of you done this?  What was your experience?

What did you do about your tampon string?

 

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My house smells like pee.

We live in Urine Central:all of the time.

No matter how fastidious I am about cleaning and washing things on the regs, It still smells really similar to a nursing home kind of thing where they try to cover up the odor of decay and incontinence with Lysol or Pine-Sol or some shit like that.  In my opinion, I prefer the smell of feces to the smell of Pine-Sol.

I use fancy and expensive all natural products that smell like butterfly wings and kittens because I like to be smug .The only fish and wildlife and environment threatening product I use is Lysol scrubbing bubbles for the shower. I refuse to give that shit up. Fuck my dish scrubber full of white vinegar and all natural dish liquid. FUCK. That. I have clear glass shower doors, so you understand. Sorry Pinterest. I tried, I really did.

So, my house smells of dog urine and fancy overpriced organic products (highly recommend the Method clover scented room de-stench-or-izer. It’s expensive as all hell and the bottle lasts for like, 13 seconds, but it’s a small price to pay because your house will smell like freshly cut grass for DAYS).

Even with all my efforts, it still smells like pee with a hint of Method clover scented urine. Upside: clover scented urine is marginally better than just plain urine.

#winningatlife

The problem is that even though everyone is housebroken, including newbie Stannis, there’s one problem we cannot solve.

Poor Alice is ancient (going on 12 in January) and she is totally incontinent.  She leaks pee all of the time.  Every waking moment of her life, she leaks pee. Her bummy is always wet and her white fur is stained with yellow pee stains despite the weekly baths (if you wash her more often, even with the most gentle all-natural oatmeal dog shampoo, it aggravates her old lady skin problems).

Bless her little heart, she knows it’s naughty to pee in the house, so she spends her days licking up her accidents as they are happening.  Her back must hurt so much from assuming a constant pee-licking position, but this is her life now because she is old.

We tried meds, but they make her fee like shit.  I can see it in her expressions that the meds, while effective, make her feel uncomfortable in other ways, so I choose not to give them to her.

Our next step was to try doggie diapers with a maxi pad liner to soak up the pee. She seemed more comfortable that way and stopped the incessant licking, but the diapers don’t stay on very well because she doesn’t have a damned tail.

Not only is Poor old Alice incontinent, she is also now almost completely deaf.  She misses meals because she can’t hear the food hitting the bowl, so we have to go find her and wake her up and direct her to her dish via sign language before the Greyhounds get a chance to gank her food.

She gets left outside all alone because she didn’t hear us call for dogs to come in.

She  wakes up alone because she was sleeping and didn’t know everyone left the room.  We have to look for her and direct her to where we have moved.

Just until recently, Alice was my constant shadow, and now she’s out of the loop.  She’s not allowed on our bed anymore because of the leaking pee.  Despite my attempts to put a towel down for her to lay on, she prefers to lay next to it instead of ON it, so she’s off mommy’s bed now too.

Her heart is broken and she does not understand why she is now an outcast.

I don’t want this for her, but this is what is happening.  This is the same bullshit that lands people in an “assisted living facility.”

Poor Alice is in her twilight years for sure but she is still happy despite her challenges:  when you pet her, she makes the most glorious sounds of relief and appreciation because I’m sure that along with the incontinence and deafness, she is also achy all over.

This is old age.

She still serves as Group Sergeant and makes it her job to announce when Stannis and Vivi are enjoying themselves too much by barking her fucking ass off.

She also still barks her ass at company if they move, just so we know “hey! hey! that guy just moved!”

The only blessing here is that she’s not Incontinentia Buttocks.

But that’s way easier to clean up, so I don’t know.

What would you prefer?

Incontinentia buttocks or Incontinentia urine?

I am undecided.

 

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Monica the ninjaerapist thinks I drink too much.

Most people I know drink at least one bottle of wine per night or more.

This is my culture, these are my people.

And we all get our freelancing done and kid’s homework/permission slips/various school bullshit/healthy breakfasts/lunches and dinner/baths/ridiculous curly long hair brushing requiring multiple products and various types of hairbrushes and techniques/tooth brushing/reading log assignments done accurately and on time.

The floors are cleaned, toys picked up, pets fed and dishes are done.

I suppose I am what you would call a “functional alcoholic” since everything I do past the hour of winethirty pm gets done in A+ to B+ fashion.

Nobody is neglected and nobody suffers. I end up in bed with full teeth brushing and all anti-aging ointments and tinctures applied by approximately 8pm.  Children go to bed at 8 with all necessary routines completed.

We hum along pretty well, but Monica theninjareapist thinks that one bottle of wine per night is too many.

I just had a full liver panel done recently and all is well there so I haven’t done any harm yet (possibly due to the daily kale/lemon/raspberry/raw almond/coconut water/flax seed/banana/spinach smoothies for breakfast).

Wait till she find out by “bottle of wine” I really mean one of the  BIG bottles and not a regular sized.

She will shit, and so I will not tell her.

Because, is this an issue, really?

I wake up at 5am and get up to exercise and get the fam ready for the day.

Sometimes Girlfriend jumps on her bike and we go for a four mile bike/run a couple of times per week. I average 8:15 minutes per mile when I’m not stopping to make sure she’s keeping up and not getting hung up at intersections and whatnot.

Am I the face of alcoholism?  I say nay. nay and here’s why:

Things happen as they should at all times.

Because of this,  I’m making a case to change the term  “functional alcoholism” to “functional because of alcoholism.”

Please, DSM-5, keep up with the times because we need your support.

Stressed out, self-medicating moms need a new category.  It works. It’s not broken.

Livers may disagree (at which point we may re-assess) but everything else seems to be in order.

It’s the new way to get through parenting without freaking the fuck out because omfg there is so much work to do once you get home from work ie: your children and managing a family.

So fess up: how much do you drink per night? Are you able to function at A+ to B+ level? Maybe I’m normal or maybe I should stick to Monica the Ninjarapist’s recommendation of only one glass of wine per night ( in which case I will get much larger wine glasses and call it success!)