This is Stannis Mattise Voltaire.
Pretentious name, I know but wtf, it took us two weeks and we couldn’t decide on only one pretentious name, so we picked them all. We call him “Stannie” and he seems to like it.
That’s Talus’ butt there next to the pool. We got Stannis just before putting Talus on transport to be reunited with Ehpa, Eric, Xanax and HulkSmash!.
Any reasonable person might ask: “why would some already overwhelmed people decide to bring home 70 lbs of more work?”
Well, we were desperate and lonely and sad about losing our friends and so the only way we could get any sort of piece of them back into our daily lives was to get a dog just like theirs.
We specifically asked GPA Mass for a dog just like Talus, and they had one, so we went and picked him up.
Turns out, he’s not exactly like Talus.
Temperament wise, yes. Exact same dog, but Stannis has a particular list of talents that far exceeds those of our beloved Talus.
Here, let me list the talents for you (in no particular order of importance):
- He plays fetch. Greyhounds do not play fetch. They are racing dogs. How this sonofabitch learned how to play fetch is beyond me. Maybe he had a fun trainer or whatever, but he played fetch for hours for the first two weeks we had him. And then, he quit. We throw his favorite ball and he just looks at us like, “wtf? Like, you expect me to like, bring it back or some shit? Fuck that noise. Immma go lay down now.” He thinks he’s been cute and fun for long enough. The end.
- He likes to hang out in the little green kiddie pool we bought just for him because we brought him to the beach and he loved wading in the water. We ran right out that very day and got the last pool they had at Toys ‘R Us. Strapped it to the roof of the car and everything. He used it twice and then he quit that too for same reason as above. Unless! We’re at the dog park and there’s a muddy puddle. He’ll lay down in there no problem because: fuck your new car.
- He sheds worse than a cat. Greyhounds are non-shedding dogs. Nobody told him.
- So far he has eaten: a beanie baby that he ripped open and then dragged all over the house (the vacuum cleaner just pushes the beans around, so you have to and suck them up individually with the hose for approximately three hours solid), multiple Calico Critters which are Homeslice’s fave and mega expensive, a pair of flip flops, a Lalaloopsie and a stuffed squirrel as well as multiple sandwiches and other stuff the kids leave around.
- He can turn two cups of dog food into ten cups of dog shit.
- He pissed on Mister’s camera bag and forced mommy to play the “hurry up and steam mop/unpack/wash camera bag/replace everything before daddy gets home so we don’t have an animal abuse case on our hands” game. I LOVE that game!
Vivi and Alice like just fine, Big Pussy is dead now so he doesn’t give two fucks about Stannis Matisse Voltaire. He’s way too busy rotting in the ground to be concerned with such things.
Stannie is a pretty ok guy and super sweet and calm, so despite all of his foibles, we love him anyway.
Dogs: they wreck shit and piss on stuff. If you don’t like broken shit and urine everywhere, don’t get a dog.
This is why (among soooo many other reasons) we can’t have nice things.
What are your dog’s special talents?