Crissy Gets a New Car. Finally Shuts Up About it.

Well, Queefies.

After years of loyal service, we have retired Sasha.


Girlfriend is totally beside herself because Sasha is a part of our family.


She drove both Girlfriend and Homeslice home from the hospital.

She rescued Vivian.


She kept us safe.


And now, she’s just sitting in the garage, waiting to be driven, longing to feel the wind in her hair once again. Mister and I cannot bear the thought of selling her, but at the same time, we don’t need her anymore. I feel like Henry VIII, tossing aside Catherine of Aragon for Anne Boleyn.

But unlike Henry VIII, I actually feel bad for my douchery. Sasha has always been good and loyal and virtuous. She’s just old now and not very thrilling anymore. It happens to the best of us, right, Queefies?

Remember when Crissy begged and begged Mister for a new car because  all she wanted in the whole wide world was to drive the shit out of some hot little number even though it scared the hell out of her?   Remember the day Mister tried to teach her and it did not go so well, Queefies?

Good times.

But then remember how after a little practice, she got better and felt not quite so scared?

And then years went by and Mister finally let Crissy get her Dream Machine. Crissy made a list of ALL the things she wanted, and after looking for almost two years, we found Anne Boleyn.


Except her name is Roxanne.

(I have no idea why all our car pictures are in parking lots.  That’s Mister’s department.)

She’s exceptionally fast and nimble.

She’s what they call “a six banger” or something. I told Mister “my new car is a six banger” and he looked at me like I’m a crazypants, but I think it’s because he’s just jealous because I’m fancy now and he doesn’t know what to do with that.

But it’s been a rough month, Queefies. Roxanne and I have been driving everywhere and my commute to work is a pressure cooker.  It’s constant stop and go traffic and everyone is in a hugefuckinghurry.  It only takes a second to recover from a stall, but my fellow commuters are the worst kind of assholes and they start with their horn bullshit straight away.

I’m actually quite brilliant at creeping along at 15mph in 1st gear constantly stopping and starting without stalling (that much).

Needless to say, I had to get a refill on my Xanies just for the ride to work.  But now  I’m finally able to drive Roxanne without panic attacks and pulling over to cry and hyperventilate.


And poor Mister has been very patient with my obsessive need to keep driving so I can get better. We do not have one of those relationships where the girl is allowed to drive,  so this is clearly killing him.  It’s killing me a little bit too because he gets all bent out of shape when I hit curbs, but they’re the same curbs I’ve been hitting all along so he can just shut it.  I’ve been driving like this for 22 years and I’ve never had a problem. Some curbs are just begging to be hit, amiright?

Anyway, we haven’t had a car payment in about 13 years and so having to pay for a car is new.  I’m considering party bingo or selling “special brownies” to Girlfriend’s Brownie Troop.

We all know how selling my panties went, so I won’t be doing that shit again.

Anyway, so far Roxanne has been worth all the pain.

Zoom zoom, Queefies.


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  1. We had been without car payments for a really long time too and we bought a used Sedona. The only part of that story that makes me sad is that it’s used and I want a brand spanking new ride. It’s not fair that we have a car payment on someone’s leftover crap. But used crap is all we can afford right now…unless I sell a kidney……and maybe sell one of each of my kids kidney’s….that’s legal, right? Never-mind….I like having two.

  2. @Rebecca, Roxanne is also used. They don’t make Saabs anymore and so since that’s what I wanted, it had to be a used one. I’m fine with it. When you think about it, used cars are good because they’ve already depreciated.

    Thanks, Steve!

    Pimp, I know, right!?!

  3. SAAB: 4 letter anagram for “something’s almost always broken.” at least that’s what Mister’s dad used to tell me when I drove one. I’m a lesbian now, I drive an Outback. Always liked the vajayjay…

  4. Just kidding by the way, Roxanne is a great name too. enjoy the shit out of her! I don’t have zoom, but my car can climb snow covered mountains like a big horn sheep.

  5. @Joe, she’s going to be sold to some lovely teenage girl who will drive her very carefully to the movies and math team practice. At least, that’s the idea future I have envisioned for Sasha. She deserves only the very tenderest of new mommies.

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