The Litter Critters


Remember my last post about Big Pussy crapping in the fireplace?  How could you forget?  It was very memorable.  Especially for me because it’s still happening.

I thought he was sick because when a cat starts doing Things That Are Inappropriate, they’re usually sick.  Big Pussy is about 14 years old now, so you know.  I figured he’s going senile or whatever.  I check his box frequently and have found either nothing at all  in there or a large amount of wet.  And I thought to myself:  “Jesus this is a lot! Maybe the kids peed in here!  NAH!”

And then I got this text from Ehpa:


It seems as though her lovely daughter, Xanax, and her son, HulkSmash! have confessed that along with Homeslice and Girlfriend they have created for themselves an Alternate Facility in which to do their business because children today are lazy jackwagons and would rather piss in a cat box than climb a flight of stairs to relieve themselves!

I KNOW!!!! What the fuckingfuck?

I don’t know for sure, but I suspect that this was Girlfriend’s brainchild.

Here’s how I imagine  it went down:

While the grown ups were drinking wine and making penis jokes having adult conversation , the children were in the Porn Basement (which we totally gentrified, btw) watching Netflix and playing the Whee (emphasis on the WH), when Girlfriend decided she had to go potties.

Not wanting to  give up her spot on the couch for too long, she decided to pee in the cat box–just for funzies.  Xanax, HulkSmash!, and Homeslice immediately saw the genius in this idea and decided that this was pretty much the Best! Idea! Ever! and did it too.

Now, some of you may be surprised that I would be so certain that my own child would do such a thing, but you know me.  I’m a realist.  I am perfectly aware that Girlfriend has some, ahem, eccentricities that do not preclude her from doing a thing like this.

The next suspected little genius is HulkSmash!.  This is also the sort of thing he would dream up.  I believe that Xanax and Homeslice are mere followers.

Of course, Girlfriend and HulkSmash! would each throw the other under the bus in a heartbeat, so questioning them will be a lesson in futility.

Here’s my plan:

Say nothing, set up a camera and watch.  Eventually they’ll do it again and when they do, I don’t know what.

Except this is not what I did at all.

I questioned Homeslice and Girlfriend instead.

Girlfriend denies any and all involvement and totally blamed HulkSmash!, just as I suspected.  Homeslice had no idea what I was talking about, and when I said “who pee-peed in the kitty box?” she replied “Benny did!”

So, I believe she is innocent.  Xanax confessed to doing it only half way but continuing upstairs in the proper potty.

Girlfriend is NOT a fan of me blogging about this and says, and I quote:  “you will NOT write about this on your blog, mom!  I WILL NOT BE A LAUGHING STOCK!” Leading me to believe that she is indeed involved in the shenanigans.

The point is, Benny is perhaps not the asshole cat we thought he was.  Instead I have asshole children.

The End.


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  1. Ok, in the interest of mortifying Girlfriend in a different way, I will share a story about The Girl. When The Girl was about 12, she had two friends.. T (same age as The Girl) and T’s sister S….(3 years younger)

    There was a conversation one day about being “pissed off” and the phrase “better pissed off than pissed on” came into play and S said that she didn’t think being peed on would be so bad and, well… The Girl decided that she’d put it to the test and peed on S… And, well, when we parent folks were told, we sortve had to laugh because, well, she sortve brought it on herself even though the older girls should have known better…

    So, hope you can get everyone going back in their proper facilities. If not, just put “Gangnam Style” on loop and drink lots of wine… doesn’t solve anything but you won’t care.

  2. I hate to be a “one upper” but my boys actually took a crap in our litter box . . . we were worried about he cat, for about a day, and them one of them fessed up.

  3. Oh. My. God. Poor Benny! No wonder he was M.I.A last week! Urine big trouble….all of you!!! You should have set up booby traps in the litter box……like a sensor that sprays the dye that bank robbers get when they open the bag of money….except it gets all over their lazy little butts! I blame Obama for this.

  4. Have 2 kitty potty boxes…one with a lid so only kitty can go inside and the other one for the kids. I wonder if this would have helped my youngest potty train sooner? Had this happened a year ago, I would have tried it.

  5. @Ms.Darkstar: OMG. I can see that happening in our house too.

    @Mother of Beasts: I’m sure that day will come! I’m not even sure it hasn’t already. I’ve seen some awfully big kitty poops in there!

    @HippieMom: I know! This is totally Obama’s fault!

    @Rebecca: Really? My friend had that same idea on the phone last night, only her potty was portable for road trips. I’m sure we’ll be hearing from her at some point today.

  6. Xani did mention something about a certain someone not wanting to give up control of the Wii remote. Good thing we have a little informer. But for how long…

    HulkSmash has not said a word. He only sits there and smiles, dreaming of food, spray bottles, and where he will pee next.

    I am so proud!!!

  7. It can’t be Homeslice or Girlfriend, they look to angelic in Pimps photos. It can’t be Pimp, he’d would’ve left his initials. I’m thinking Ehpa, what do we know about her. Things like this didn’t happen before she appeared or did they.

  8. I’m sort of proud of the kids. This is an awfully creative solution to the age old problem of having to stop to pee when playing games. And mom gets to clean up the mess. It’s sort of perfect. So freaking hilarious!!

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