Month: August 2012
Tomorrow, you guys are gonna get a treat!
We made a video at work just for funzies and I’m gonna share it with you because it’s about my glamorous life as a Mrs. Fancypants.
Plus, you get to see Crissy, plus her work environment, plus her co-workers, plus you get to laugh because I’m ridiculous and that’s why you come here.
Wait for it…
Remember my last post about Big Pussy crapping in the fireplace? How could you forget? It was very memorable. Especially for me because it’s still happening.
I thought he was sick because when a cat starts doing Things That Are Inappropriate, they’re usually sick. Big Pussy is about 14 years old now, so you know. I figured he’s going senile or whatever. I check his box frequently and have found either nothing at all in there or a large amount of wet. And I thought to myself: “Jesus this is a lot! Maybe the kids peed in here! NAH!”
And then I got this text from Ehpa:
It seems as though her lovely daughter, Xanax, and her son, HulkSmash! have confessed that along with Homeslice and Girlfriend they have created for themselves an Alternate Facility in which to do their business because children today are lazy jackwagons and would rather piss in a cat box than climb a flight of stairs to relieve themselves!
I KNOW!!!! What the fuckingfuck?
I don’t know for sure, but I suspect that this was Girlfriend’s brainchild.
Here’s how I imagine it went down:
While the grown ups were
drinking wine and making penis jokes having adult conversation , the children were in the Porn Basement (which we totally gentrified, btw) watching Netflix and playing the Whee (emphasis on the WH), when Girlfriend decided she had to go potties.
Not wanting to give up her spot on the couch for too long, she decided to pee in the cat box–just for funzies. Xanax, HulkSmash!, and Homeslice immediately saw the genius in this idea and decided that this was pretty much the Best! Idea! Ever! and did it too.
Now, some of you may be surprised that I would be so certain that my own child would do such a thing, but you know me. I’m a realist. I am perfectly aware that Girlfriend has some, ahem, eccentricities that do not preclude her from doing a thing like this.
The next suspected little genius is HulkSmash!. This is also the sort of thing he would dream up. I believe that Xanax and Homeslice are mere followers.
Of course, Girlfriend and HulkSmash! would each throw the other under the bus in a heartbeat, so questioning them will be a lesson in futility.
Here’s my plan:
Say nothing, set up a camera and watch. Eventually they’ll do it again and when they do, I don’t know what.
Except this is not what I did at all.
I questioned Homeslice and Girlfriend instead.
Girlfriend denies any and all involvement and totally blamed HulkSmash!, just as I suspected. Homeslice had no idea what I was talking about, and when I said “who pee-peed in the kitty box?” she replied “Benny did!”
So, I believe she is innocent. Xanax confessed to doing it only half way but continuing upstairs in the proper potty.
Girlfriend is NOT a fan of me blogging about this and says, and I quote: “you will NOT write about this on your blog, mom! I WILL NOT BE A LAUGHING STOCK!” Leading me to believe that she is indeed involved in the shenanigans.
The point is, Benny is perhaps not the asshole cat we thought he was. Instead I have asshole children.
What kind of an asshole does something like this?
Who does that???
There’s ashy footprints all over my house.
Somebody should complain.
This place is a shithole.
PS: Vodka with Lavender Kombucha isn’t half bad, AND you get to poop. But not in the fireplace.
As you guys probably know, your Crissy is obsessed with naming things. I love, love, love it. But making a final decision is where I fall flat on my face. If it were up to me, Homeslice would be named LucyCarolineFionaLydia.
Alas, Mister put his foot down.
I have a plant named “Ladypants” and a sweater I call “Sunday Girl.” So, naturally when Ehpa adopted a doggie, I had to get involved because that’s what I do. I get involved.
You guys remember when Crissy got Vivian and I couldn’t decide what to name her and soI had to ask the Queefies about it?
Well, you guys get to help Crissy name Ehpa’s new baby boy. Ehpa gets to have final say, of course (I suppose) since its her dog or whatever.
Isn’t he marvelous??
He’s HUGE–kind of like a horse or The Imperial Walker.
He’s very sweet and calm and gentle and of course everyone is madly in love with him.
So, name this poor dude because his track name, Cal, isn’t totally working for Crissy.
Ehpa has narrowed it down to these names for you to vote on.
PS: Other suggestions are also welcome in the space provided below.
PSS: I’m dead against naming him Milo, but that’s up the Ehpa and the Queefies to decide. *SIGH*
Have a splendid day, Queefies!!
There’s another post coming soon!