Crissy Disappears From the Internet, Returns Like a Year Later Really Pissed that Her Page Ranking Has Slipped.

Once the Queen, always the Queen.

Or so I thought.

Crissy Moran porn star is still better than me, as is that stupid doll from 1968.

Don’t even get me started on the antique store.

We cannot have this. We cannot be #6 on Google, you guys.


So, yes.

I’M BACK.  I’d like to say that I’m also new and improved, but we all know that’s bullshit.  I’m 38 and I’m tired.

I’d love to say there are so many changes and fun things to tell you about, but that’s also bullshit.  Everything is almost exactly the same as it was except there are no longer dicks growing in our mulch.  I know you’re all sad to hear about that and you were hoping for fresh pictures of that after staring at the same blog post for an eternity.

I’ve gotten letters about that dick-in-the-mulch post.

Not all of them were favorable, Queefies.

Some people were actually becoming tired of looking at that picture, unbelievable as it may seem.

Anyway, you don’t have to look at it any more, persnickety Queefies.

is three (!) now and Girlfriend is seven


so maybe I can have a little head space to share with you.


As I write this I’ve had to stop eleven millionty times (twice) to clean up spilled mac and cheese (I called the dogs over and they cleaned it up) and wiped an ass (I told Homeslice to do it herself.  It did not go well and I had to clean the walls and the toilet seat, the sink area…and her hair.).

It’s been nearly impossible to write a post and I’ve tried, Queefies.

Somebody said I should write a made up story about where I’ve been all this time, but you know.  I’ve been on Facebook.

And pictures of my ass have been on Flickr.

I wonder who put THOSE there…

Anyway, I’m looking forward to Homeslice going to preschool because I’m going to have a different perspective on it all.  Last time, with Girlfriend, I had the perspective of a humble Library Lady.

Now, I’m a Mrs. Fancypants with a Fancy Lady job from which, to everyone’s surprise, I have not yet been fired  from for saying “motherfucker.”

I know they’re still scared every time they bring me in front of a client.  They have every motherfucking right to be, you guys.

I wonder, will I find the Escalade Pajama Cunts as irksome as I had last time?  Having a nanny myself, will I  judge the Mrs. Fancypants’ as harshly as I had before when someone loudly introduces their “NEW NANNY?”

Will I look down on the stay-at-home mothers?

Will I offer them Xanax?

These questions and more will be answered shortly.

This post is just a warm up.

We’re going to get a new look over here soon too.  I’m going to pay someone in marijuana cigarettes to make it look nice.  I don’t know who yet, so I’m looking for some volunteers.  Apply below.

Oh! Did I tell you guys we don’t use money anymore?

We pay people in marijuana cigarettes, now.

I guess that’s new…

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  1. OMG! SQUUUEEEE!!! Crissy’s Back!

    We left the light on for you and everything (sorry about the spills… and the ummm, stains… I haven’t gotten the steam cleaner in here yet.

    I wouldn’t know what to do with a marijuana cigarette if I had one, so I am afraid that while I can offer suggestions, I am not actually any good at making the HTML and stuff. But I will totally make drinks whilst we sit and order the programmer to make it all pretty up in here. (Personally, you could decorate it like a bus station bathroom and I’d still come read when you wrote).

    Good to have you back!

  2. Yay!! finally!
    I was having to skulk around the flickr page .. Catching glimpses of your ass like a methadone fix.. Now I can get the hard shit direct!
    Welcome back..

  3. Well, it’s about bloody time, woman! Seriously. Sheesh.

    Start making with the Xanax, will ya? This stay at home mom needs more than a starter sample.

    Also, WTF is it telling me about having to upgrade my CommentLuv to Premium or whatever? I’m totally going rebel on that, and submitting without “clicking here.”

  4. OMG! You guys came back! Oh, how I’ve missed you so! Let’s vow to never let my children and my full time job come between us ever again! Deal?



  5. @Gonzo Mama: I’ve been stalking your vegan momma blog the whole time, just fyi. I don’t know wtf is up with CommentLuv. I’m just getting in, but I promise to have Mister sort it all out soon. In the meantime, REBEL!

  6. As if we haven’t been huddled around, occasionally catching a glimpse of you on Facebook and hoping that maybe, if we choked down enough organic, gluten-free peanut butter brownies you’d love us and come back…

    I, for one, never left… I’ve been cooling my heels wondering when you’d remember the Queefies and come back!

  7. @Stealthnerd- BOOTY!!! I’ve missed you! Congrats on your not-so-new wedding. I knew you when you were just a mere girlfriend to that boy….:)

  8. @Ms. Darkstar: I know you never left! You’re a inner circle Queefie!
    @Gonzo Mama: I tried to fight it, but I’ve given up.
    @joeinvegas: Mister.
    @Kathleen: CHEERS!!
    @Crissy Page: I’ve been dying to meet you! I don’t understand how I can possibly outrank your gorgeous blog, but HI! Welcome to my shitshow!
    @Rachel: That can also be arranged…How are you with coding?

  9. Jesus, Mary and Joseph it’s about time!!!! I can stop going to rehab now! Also we will need videos, lots of them!

  10. I have missed you so! Strange, but a few days ago I was thinking how much I missed your adventures. And now here you are. Welcome back!

  11. Awesome!! Can’t wait to read more from the Queen!

    Thank’s to the Pimp for all those photos, they are fabulous! But it’s easy when you have a great subject!

  12. New to your blog, and while I didn’t have the opportunity to miss you for a year, I can clearly see that I missed out on loads of good stuff!
    You use all the words I use only I don’t write them out, harder to track my darkness down if it’s not in print. So seeing it in print almost made me jealous! I wanted to go to my FB and type out a few random curse words, like a gal that’s gone off her meds, just for the hell of it!
    New follower out….

  13. So happy to see you back, while absents makes the heart grow fonder, 320 days was much to long. Hopefully your being back doesn’t lessen the appearances of your sweet gluteus maximusss on Flicker.

  14. Thank you everybody! I’m so glad to see you all here!
    Get better Miss Nilsa, my old friend!
    Sorry, Brittany. I’ll try not to talk about kids and shit anymore.

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