So the other day I was getting out of my car after work and when I opened the door, I was hit in the face by a powerful smell.
It smelled like a swimming pool full of semen, you guys.
I’m not talking about that delicate whiff of it you get in the spring time when the cum trees are in bloom. It was more like what it must be like to be on the “catching” end in a Japanese Bukkake film.
As I walked into the house, I made a mental note to tell Hippymom Supernanny that if she’s going to be filming porn in my driveway while the kids are napping, she needs to hose down a little better because seriously?
I mean, what she does during her break time is her business, but mop up woman, for the love of god!
But I forgot to mention it to her and thank goodness I did because the next day I noticed this sticking out of the mulchy area that frames the driveway:
Oh, hello! And, EW! Whatthefuck?
As I got closer I realized this was where the smell was coming from.
There is a penis mushroom that smells like Japanese Bukkake porn growing in my yard.
So I yelled to Mister “THERE’S A DICK IN OUR YARD!” and he ran outside with his camera and took that picture for the Queefies because who would believe that The Crissys have penises growing out of the ground at their house?
Actually, if you know us, this is completely believable, but anyway.
I felt very protective of our penis mushroom because I was afraid that the guy across the street, Captain Underpants, had a blog and that he would see it and he would post about it on his blog first. But then I realized that was silly because Captain Underpants only cares about swearing “fuckingcocksucker!” at his car and shoveling snow in his undershorts. Oh and he wears his soccer gear just for shits, even when there’s no game. So, I’m pretty sure I’m the first one in our neighborhood to blog about this. Also, I’m not sure Captain Underpants is what you’d call a reader never mind a mushroom identifier and certainly probably not a writer.
I’m just being paranoid, but can you blame me? Penis mushrooms are very special.
And it looks really nice next to the statue of Mister.
And of course we looked it up.
We are truly blessed to have such a marvelous thing in our yard.
Thank you, Satan.
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Greatest discovery ever!!! Too bad that something so, umm..not pretty, but, umm… esthetically entertaining? has to smell so bad though.
Holy crap! I’m glad that’s not in my yard…just my luck, my husband would find some sort of planter to put that thing in so he could show it off to visitors in the house.
Glad to see another post!
shit, I was just going to blog about *my* mushrooms. I have smurfs.
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after further research, i believe what we actually have is a “phallus ravenelii,” due to the “smooth cap.”
more pictures from the yard can be seen here:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/ken-gilbert/tags/phallusravenelii/show/
also, where have you encountered a swimming pool full of semen? and WHY WASN’T I INVITED???
Well, that’s quite the shroom y’all have there. And that it’s a stinky shroom makes it all the more grossly awesome.
And I am totally imagining Girlfriend pointing at it and laughing and then telling the next idiot boy who whips his thing out to show her “yeah buddy, I’ve got mushrooms in my yard bigger than THAT!” and pointing and laughing that much harder.
Look at it this way, when your young ladies are older, you can demonstrate proper condom usage on something other than a banana. (Just tryin’ to help).
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HOLY CRAP!
Hahahaha!! Priceless!
I can honestly say that I’m jealous that this did not grow in my yard. How bloggable!
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Mushroom envy???
Did Mr. plant those on purpose?
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I kindasortamaybe covet your peenshroom. Oh, and also, I love you and your dirty mouth. I don’t need to covet that though, I already have one. *ahem* Cocksmokervulvasniffer.
lol – you made my day! Imagine this mushroom growing in the garden of some church.
T.
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It was so funny when you yelled to mister. It would have been a amazing mushroom, except for the smell. It is also funny how the shape and smell is related.
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We had one of those two.
Me: Get rid of it. …And don’t lick it!
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Captain Underpants sound intriguing. Is this his first appearance on your blog ? Sounds like he could inspire quite a few more posts from the thumbnail sketch you have given him.
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This blog is so funny.The shape and the smell are desame. But it is awesome kind of mushroom.
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This really makes me laugh…LOL..
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I’m so jealous of your pallic fungi. The only fungi we get looks like dog puke. I think it’s actually called Dog Vomit Mold… or something.
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What a proud looking protuberance…..with a bit of luck you will have them popping up all over your garden…
O’ dear God, Mother on Earth, satin be damned and all the rest of the nasty pervs, buggers & piss, what pray tell is a euphemism?
hilarious picture. Imagine when you have visitors and they see that but dont say anything so gunny.
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That was very funny photo!!LOL…
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Thanks was really a very funny photo.. Thanks for sharing! You gave us a big laughed! flikkit
Well everyone who can see it will definitely laugh…LOL…
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That is a unique looking mushroom. I don’t see mushrooms a lot and most certainly a mushroom looking like that. It would be a waste to cut it but the smell can be very inconvenient.
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Greatest discovery ever!!! As well bad that something so, umm..not pretty, but, umm… esthetically entertaining? has to scent so bad although. It was so humorous when you yelled to mister. It would have been a amazing mushroom, except for the scent. It is also funny how the form and smell is associated.
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Oh my god! Is that thing for real? How could something that looks like that be a mushroom? I’m going to have to google what type of mushroom looks like a friggin P*n*s!
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Oh my Gosh! Why do penis shape vegetables are so trending today? Is this a sign of Men Power? LOL.. I swear, that picture really amazed me a lot!
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hahaha, that’s freakin’ funny! may i grab a copy of this picture and share it to my friends?
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Awesome pic – did you put that grey cap on the mushroom?
Its looking like double meaning article.Mushroom looking fully like dick.Incredible pic really.
I have no other way to do it but this to tell you ‘merry Christmas’ and to tell you that your postings are missed by us all.
This post is epic. If I had one in my backyard, I’d let it grow just for kicks but then again, if my mom would see this, I’ll get the kick. But really now, is this mushroom for real?
Thanks!
Doug
I couldn’t help myself but laugh out loud. Blunt words yet very realistic. I didn’t know there are penis mushrooms out there? What’s their common name? Seriously?
Interesting post! I gotta tell my friends about it!
-Charisma
http://www.naeemahcarre.com
I hope you and yours are doing well! You are in my prayers
<3 KTG and her beloved ginger cat, Xander Bander!
this so very very great and I LOVE it.! whahaha.
thanks that you sheared this.