There I was, minding my own business when I noticed there was a dick in my mulch. This is not a euphemism for anything, I swear.

So the other day I was getting out of my car after work and when I opened the door, I was hit in the face by a powerful smell.

It smelled like a swimming pool full of semen, you guys.

I’m not talking about that delicate whiff of it you get in the spring time when the cum trees are in bloom. It was more like what it must be like to be on the “catching” end in a Japanese Bukkake film.

As I walked into the house, I made a mental note to tell Hippymom Supernanny that if she’s going to be filming porn in my driveway while the kids are napping, she needs to hose down a little better because seriously?

I mean, what she does during her break time is her business, but mop up woman, for the love of god!

But I forgot to mention it to her and thank goodness I did because the next day I noticed this sticking out of the mulchy area that frames the driveway:

Oh, hello! And, EW! Whatthefuck?

As I got closer I realized this was where the smell was coming from.

There is a penis mushroom that smells like Japanese Bukkake porn growing in my yard.

So I yelled to Mister “THERE’S A DICK IN OUR YARD!” and he ran outside with his camera and took that picture for the Queefies because who would believe that The Crissys have penises growing out of the ground at their house?

Actually, if you know us, this is completely believable, but anyway.

I felt very protective of our penis mushroom because I was afraid that the guy across the street, Captain Underpants, had a blog and that he would see it and he would post about it on his blog first. But then I realized that was silly because Captain Underpants only cares about swearing “fuckingcocksucker!” at his car and shoveling snow in his undershorts. Oh and he wears his soccer gear just for shits, even when there’s no game.  So, I’m pretty sure I’m the first one in our neighborhood to blog about this.  Also, I’m not sure Captain Underpants is what you’d call a reader never mind a mushroom identifier and certainly probably not a writer.

I’m just being paranoid, but can you blame me?  Penis mushrooms are very special.

And it looks really nice next to the statue of Mister.

And of course we looked it up.

We are truly blessed to have such a marvelous thing in our yard.

Thank you, Satan.

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40 comments

  1. Greatest discovery ever!!! Too bad that something so, umm..not pretty, but, umm… esthetically entertaining? has to smell so bad though.

  2. Holy crap! I’m glad that’s not in my yard…just my luck, my husband would find some sort of planter to put that thing in so he could show it off to visitors in the house.

    Glad to see another post!

  3. Well, that’s quite the shroom y’all have there. And that it’s a stinky shroom makes it all the more grossly awesome.

    And I am totally imagining Girlfriend pointing at it and laughing and then telling the next idiot boy who whips his thing out to show her “yeah buddy, I’ve got mushrooms in my yard bigger than THAT!” and pointing and laughing that much harder.

    Look at it this way, when your young ladies are older, you can demonstrate proper condom usage on something other than a banana. (Just tryin’ to help).
    .-= MsDarkstar’s last blog post… Loaf In Peace, Momma Weedy =-.

  4. Captain Underpants sound intriguing. Is this his first appearance on your blog ? Sounds like he could inspire quite a few more posts from the thumbnail sketch you have given him.
    .-= Peggy’s last blog post… Saloon Girl Costume =-.

  5. O’ dear God, Mother on Earth, satin be damned and all the rest of the nasty pervs, buggers & piss, what pray tell is a euphemism?

  6. That is a unique looking mushroom. I don’t see mushrooms a lot and most certainly a mushroom looking like that. It would be a waste to cut it but the smell can be very inconvenient.
    .-= William’s last blog post… how to flirt with a girl =-.

  7. Greatest discovery ever!!! As well bad that something so, umm..not pretty, but, umm… esthetically entertaining? has to scent so bad although. It was so humorous when you yelled to mister. It would have been a amazing mushroom, except for the scent. It is also funny how the form and smell is associated.
    .-= Geoff’s last blog post… How to Get Rid of Chest Fat =-.

  8. I have no other way to do it but this to tell you ‘merry Christmas’ and to tell you that your postings are missed by us all.

  9. This post is epic. If I had one in my backyard, I’d let it grow just for kicks but then again, if my mom would see this, I’ll get the kick. But really now, is this mushroom for real?

    Thanks!
    Doug

  10. I couldn’t help myself but laugh out loud. Blunt words yet very realistic. I didn’t know there are penis mushrooms out there? What’s their common name? Seriously?

    Interesting post! I gotta tell my friends about it!

    -Charisma
    http://www.naeemahcarre.com

  11. I hope you and yours are doing well! You are in my prayers 🙂
    <3 KTG and her beloved ginger cat, Xander Bander!

  12. I keep coming back here every few months hoping there will be another update… So sad.

    Come back to us!

    /stands outside your window holding boombox cranking Peter Gabriel

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