Yo! Who’s the Bitch with the Tats? My original title had an f-bomb in it, but I thought better of it because I’m mature now.

Hey, Queefies.

I’m thinking about getting a tattoo only I don’t know what it’s going to be or where I want to put it.

I think it should prolly go somewhere that’s easily hideable, so when I’m wicked old and stuff I don’t make the nursing home staff throw up every time they have to change my bum.

Like, nothing would be worse at that point than to have like a big tramp stamp that says “JUICY” on it.

That would be an unfortunate and ironic mistake, I think.

I thought about getting it on the back of my neck so I can hide it or show it off according to my whim.  That’s where it might end up, but  I don’t really like tattoos.  They look really great on other people, but I’m not sure I’m A Person Who Gets Tattoos, ya know?

Like, am I that girl?

Next thing you know, I’m getting my clit pierced and hanging around with dudes name “Bug” and “Razor.”

That’s what happens to girls who get tattoos isn’t it?

Seriously though.  What business do I have getting a tattoo at 37?

I must just want one now because I work with The Young People and most of them are tattooed.  I want to be Fancy Lady Who Works With The Young People And Gets Tattoos or some such nonsense now.

OMG!  Speaking of people who think they’re fancy but they’re really not, have you been watching Real Housewives of New Jersey?

WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?  Every last one of those people is a disgusting pig.

What’s wrong with that one girl’s hairline?  It’s half way down her face! Or is that just a really unfortunate eyebrow situation? If I were her, I’d totally buy myself a new hairline with all that money.  Instead, she buys stupid looking shit to put in her kids’ hair.  Why does she do that?  I think it’s because they got her hairline, but she’s not fooling me, Queefies!

You can’t make up for bad genetics with ugly barrettes, moron.

Just like you can’t fix stupid, you can’t fix cave woman hair.

That’s what I always say.

I’d better be careful though because these people are like animals. For all I know, Lady Guido Hair is going to come and tear my extensions out of my head if I had any but I don’t SO TAKE THAT LADY GUIDO HAIR!

I win.

Anyway, who gets a tattoo at 37?   I do.  (Possibly)

Should the Queen deface the Royal Bodkin?

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35 comments

  1. I am a fancy tattooed young(ish) lady. I have one as of right now, but I always knew I was going to be one of those tattooed people. I’m just a broke tattooed person therefore I’m only a little tattooed. But I digress.

    Don’t pierce your clit. Jesus Mary and Joseph PLEASE DO NOT. A pierced clit pretty much = Nasty Giant Ho…and you’re a Queen…not a Ho.

  2. Kris as you know I have a humming bird on my back upper left.Got mine at the age of 42 .My girl friend had a tatoo party at her home.The guy did 5 tatoos.Have one invite 5 people or even have a couples party.
    I do believe that it will be fun when I am in a nursing home and I tell a story about it.

  3. I have never regretted mine. It is on my lower back… but 25 years ago the term “tramp stamp” didn’t really exist. I got it because it has a lot of meaning to me. Don’t get one just to get one. Get one because you have an image or images that you feel you need to have on your body.

  4. Sue, I do have a solid plan for something very meaningful. I’ve had The Other Kristin’s husband, Tattooo MIke, draw several different sketches and now we have something I like. So, now I just have to work up the balls to actually commit to it.

  5. I think everyone here needs to keep in mind that wherever she gets this tattoo on her body, hubby is going to take and post a million pictures of it on the internet. Let us gather our desires together and make wise suggestions.

    Do they tattoo buttholes?

  6. A woman’s body is beautiful enough without a tattoo.
    Is it because you think that it will make you look more exotic? Or more interesting? Or more tempting?
    Get your navel pierced. That’s excitement enough!

  7. No balls. No worries. If you love the image, you won’t regret it at all. Its like a right of passage in a way.

    Yes, it stings when the needle hits you the first time but you eventually stop feeling it as pain. I’m sure childbirth is a billionty times more painful. Don’t drink any cocktails the night before or that day, you’ll bleed less. It helped me to have my at the time ex-boyfriend there holding my hand. He ironically went on to become a tattoo artist years later. I made him give me an all white tattoo of a heart on my arm. It looks like a heart shaped scar, fitting really given our breakup.

  8. I like the birds on the shoulder but……mewh……You’re The Queen! If you get anything shouldn’t it include something Royal? Like a tiara?

    And, I’ve missed you Crissy! Please don’t forget about this blog…..we need you.

  9. You are basking in the glory that is your fancy lady job and suddenly being surrounding by vibrantly alive children. You’re on a high for a little while. So… wait. Find an image that you love, tape it up on your wall and home and in your cube, then stare at it for a year. If you still love it at the end of the year then you will love it on your body forever. And remember, there are really good fake tattoos out there that you can where around town and see how you really feel with a tattoo and the world’s reaction to you. Because it’s not always good.

    I’ve got three tattoos and I love 2 of them. The 3rd one I’ll have turned into something else as soon as I stop giving all my money away and keep a little for myself.

  10. If you don’t like tats why are you thinking of getting one? If it’s to impress the kids they’ll just think “look at that old lady with the tat – she thinks she’s hip?”
    But go for it if you really want one.

  11. I am old (over 40), have 3 tats and got the last one whilst over 40. When it comes to my tats, I regret only that I didn’t start getting them earlier. All of mine can be covered easily. There are still people out there who have a bias against them (I worked for one who was SHOCKED and APPALLED that I was one of THOSE people when he found out).

    The key piece of advice I have is get something YOU love & not what someone else likes. It’s sortve a forever deal… Also, don’t get anything with a face. Get something that you can see yourself smiling at when the whippersnapper at the home has to give you a sponge bath and looks shocked that Ol’ Miss Crissy has a scandalous tattoo!

  12. I agree with Batcave completely. Many of the best decisions I’ve ever made have been those to not get tattoos. I know someone who wore a temporary tattoo for a year straight. And she still loved it at the end, and got a tattoo. Done and done.

  13. @ Chetterific Tattoo Mike said he would like to know exactly where you would like the butthole tattoo to be…

  14. YAY !! Yippie you finally have a new post !!! That was eleventy-million years between posts. I thought I was never going to get to read your witty and insightful shit again. Ahhh .. How I missed it.

  15. Be careful about tattoos. When I was in high school (a lot of years ago) I worked in a funeral home where one day a women who had died at age 88 was brought in. I was nearby when the two embalmers came out of the prep room and were purple with trying to supress their laughter. It seems the late lady (who was a big gun in local society) had been tattooed in her youth with the Zig Zag Man and the tattoo used her pubic hair as his beard. We were all threatened with fireing if the story got out, but since I no longer work there I guess I can tell you now.

  16. Just wanted to mention that my hair stylist, who loves Hawaii and sea turtles, got a big turtle (symbolizes her) and a small turtle (symbolizes her first daughter) as a tribute to her. She is going back again to add another turtle for her second bundle of fun.

  17. Get the tattoo.
    If it doesn’t work out…you can blame it on a midlife crisis. Like an early midlife crisis.

  18. As a woman in her 40’s who has spent over 60 hours in my tattooist chair, I would recommend not getting butterflies or cherry blossoms like Mister posted–way over done and common place. I am of the opinion that if you are already worried about getting a tattoo where is can be covered up, then maybe you shouldn’t get one. But what do I know, my hands and face are the only place I don’t have them.

    I’ve missed your posts!

  19. I have half-sleeves on both arms. I also have tats on my inner wrists. I got the inner wrists done in white ink. Very subtle and delicate. So, if you’re concerned, consider getting it done in white ink. Just my $0.02.

  20. I insisted on hanging on to the same photo for over a year to make sure I was still in love with it before I got it in ink.
    Research tattooists to make sure you get someone hygienic who kicks ass.
    Also, for the love of God, please not a tramp stamp!

  21. This is so weird. I just wrote a post about how I keep having a dream I get a tattoo. I think I ma do it but I am waiting for a bit and sitting with the thought. Get one but don’t have it be a cartoon weiner or a set of funny boobies.

  22. I just love your blog! 🙂 I can not wait to see what you do for your tattoo. I think when the right statement is made, they are amazing to have on your body. I am have never regretted for a moment the one on my wrist…. even now that I am old and extremely uncool! 🙂

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