It’s not not a tooma.

I’ve just come back from the doctor.  I don’t have just one brain tumor.

I have 10 of them.

I have 10 brain tumors.

The good news is that they are very small and benign and they’re not going to treat them, but just keep an eye on them.  They’re called “microadenomas” and aside from causing annoying symptoms like the boob juice and maybe the sudden and intense bout with anxiety and the weird periods, they are not cause for alarm.

Except now I totally intend to use them as an excuse for any number of behaviors, like, “I couldn’t do the dishes!  I have 10 brain tumors!” or “I cannot WORK, I have 10 brain tumors.”  or ” I cannot give you a blow job, I have 10 brain tumors!”

So now we need to think of a new superhero name for me.  I’m thinking Adenoma Woman or Super Tumor Lady or something much cooler than something someone with a brain full of tumors can come up with.

I don’t know.

Suggestions are welcome below.

Your Queen is going to live and if I may be honest here, I think I’m pretty badass because when I go, I go BIG.  I don’t just get a brain tumor.  I get 10.

Top THAT, bitches.

PS: In celebration, I went across the street and bought a pair of very nice and very expensive boots I’ve been lusting after for a long time.  Also, I sense a HUGE hangover in my future.  Like, tomorrow morning at this time, I should be barely functional.

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28 comments

  1. I’m so glad they are benign. That’s very, very good news!

    You go and buy some more lovely and expensive boots. After all you are a superhero and a superhero needs lovely clothing and such.
    .-= Marie’s last blog post… Photo Stitch =-.

  2. Well you topped me and my f’ed up fake brain tumor syndrome 🙂 Glad they’re benign and hope that you are able to work with the symptoms! You know we love our Queen.

  3. rock on crissy, way to be, wow, TEN??! when i was nineteen, i had a giant fibroadenoma removed from my left chesticle, it was the size of my dr’s palm! and he had huge hands!! super super glad urs are also benign, please enjoy your hangover for me too!! just heard abt whipped cream flavored vodka and also vodka whipped cream. oh helllllls yes

  4. When I found out I had cysts on my ovaries, I used it to guilt-trip everyone in my life for about a month. “Can you get me a glass of water?” “Get it yourself.” “BUT I HAVE CYSTS ON MY OVARIES!”
    It was short-lived but awesome.

  5. Wow you truly are the Queen of f*ucking everything! Benign is the best word ever. Long live the Queen! Enjoy your celebration, but no drunk vomiting on the new boots.

  6. Damn girl! You freaked me out for a few seconds there. Okay, I’m still a bit freaked out, benign or not. I think your desire and drive to succeed combined with a bit of OCD is not serving you well here. One tumor is sufficient. One. Ten? Well, that’s just greedy.

  7. Crissy,
    You must be so relieved to know that there is a rational reason for your symptoms and that it is not a malignancy.
    And, you probably already know this, but you are fucking hilarious. I check your blog daily for your thoughts on this fucked up world in which we live….
    Best, Jill
    .-= Skattebol’s last blog post… Farmers Market =-.

  8. Holy shit! Ten toomas!? Um, I’m glad you’re OK, I guess? That’s crazy. I’ve been wondering how you’ve been, yay for benign! Really, take care, we’d all miss you lots.

  9. Hooray for answers! It’s like the benign tumor monster screwed your ear and impregnanted your brain, times ten! Suck on that, Octomom!

    Now drown those little buggers in alcohol! Show them who’s the Queen!

  10. Here via the Empress. Very good news about the diagnosis. So sorry you had to go through such a scare. Maybe each tumor should get a different super power. Like the ability to mute the children. Or speed up time during really boring school functions.

    And I think your T-shirt should say, “You wouldn’t believe what’s on my mind.”:)

  11. As I am a homosexual man I have quite the experience when it comes to giving other homosexual men blow jobs. When you give blow jobs you must make sure that you go up and down the penis shaft with your mouth and hopefully you can get the full lenth of their penis in your mouth like I do.

    If you would like more information give me a call at 1-403-305-7727.

  12. I say the boots are absolutely deserved after the stress you’ve been though. So happy for you to finally have some answers and good answers at that … I’d totally use them as an excuse too … for EVERYTHING!! As for superhero names, the Queen of F*ing everything pretty much sums it all up.

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