The Crazy. It is strong within me

So I guess you’re wondering where I’ve been for the past couple of weeks. 

Or not, but I’m going to tell you anyway.

I’ve been battling SUPERFUCKED ANXIETY (yes, that is the clinical term) which is almost the worst kind of anxiety you can have. It’s way more uncomfortable than ACUTE ANXIETY or ASSHOLE ANXIETY, but it’s not as bad as CRAZY BATSHIT ANXIETY, but almost.

I started lactating, I think I told you that, and my lymph nodes are still popped out, and now I’m going to Monica the Ninjerapist once a week and taking Lexapro and Xanax just so I can get through the day.

I think what happened is I had some PPD going on after having Homeslice and I didn’t deal with it properly.  I let it go, thinking I’d be able to handle it myself if I just exercised enough and ate vegetables, but guess what?  I didn’t fix it and it got worse.

Around Halloween time, I started to feel like I was really going south and then I had all those female problems that freaked my freak and then I got bronchitis and then my lymph nodes popped out and that was the last fucking straw.  Crissy went bye-bye and in her place came a trembling disaster of fear and anxiety and obsession over my health. This is what I’ve been looking like lately:

I hate that picture because I can see all my sadness and worry in my face. I wish it didn’t exist, but it is my reality for right now.

And then on Thanksgiving morning, my friend Michele, the one I loved so very much decided to inform me in an email that she did not want to be my friend anymore. Apparently, I am controlling and manipulative like her father and her ex husband and she does not feel safe with me.

ME!

The person who is afraid of her washing machine because it spins too fast!

I know. It’s her loss, she’s obviously crazier than I am, etc, etc, but it still hurt and continues to hurt because she was such a part of my life and I don’t understand what the deal is. I don’t know what I did that was so objectionable. I’m kind of heartbroken and I really needed her support right about now, but she totally bailed on me. She even went so far as to BLOCK ME AND MISTER ON FACEBOOK and has started taking Alena to another bus stop so as to “minimize any and all further contact” with me. I’m expecting my restraining order any day now. I’m surprised I’m not forbidden to look at her house (which is across the street from mine, btw.)

Anyway, I’ve had an ultrasound on my lymph nodes.  I don’t have any results from that yet, but since it was Thursday morning and nobody has called me yet, I’m guessing they didn’t see anything too disturbing.  I would imagine someone would have called me by now.  I hope.  The tech said it didn’t look like anything bad, and so for now I must assume that I am fine and that stress is causing all of this and not The Cancer or a Brain Tumor, which by the way is what my doctor suspects might be happening if it’s not just anxiety.

Yes.

He said “brain tumor” to me and other very scary things like “tube” and “MRI.” But he’s not going to do those things yet because he wants to see if the Lexapro works first.

Let’s pray that it does, my people.  Pray like we’ve never prayed before. And if it does not, let’s pray that this “big goomba that could be sitting there” as my doctor put it, is benign and fixable and pituitary-ish because quite frankly, dying of a brain tumor is a lame way to go. I’d much rather die doing something glamorous like…like… I don’t even know what. It’s hard to think with the Xanax, you know. Makes things a little sllloooowwww….

And so now I pop that shit like candy and hope to Jesus the Lexapro starts to help me soon because right now, I’m a bag of mixed nuts. I walk around shaking and weeping and looking at my kids and hoping I get to watch them grow up.

It’s all DRAMA, all the time. I should have my own TV show because how different is my life compared to those stupid annoying Real Housewives?

Well, they have bigger houses, nicer cars, and fake tits, but other than that, I can totally compete with their drama. In fact, I make their drama look fucking stupid. Because it fucking is.

And so that is where I have been, Queefies.

I am not happy about being on medication, but I was not able to function without it because my anxiety is so overwhelming. I had no choice. I have cut all caffeine and alcohol and chocolate and I exercise every day, no excuses or skipping. I even imagine my anxiety to be a hideous looking monster named Enid who I thrash around my living room during Turbo Jam every morning. It feels pretty good and empowering to do that.

Mister and my mom have been my rocks. They have both put up with endless questions like “I’m okay, right?” “they can fix me, right?” and poor Girlfriend, bless her little heart, has been saying “I know this Mommy, you’re not sick.” I wish this didn’t effect her, but clearly it has.

I joined an online support group that has been helpful, and like I said, the Xanax.

I am hoping to return to myself and I am hoping that Monica The Ninjerapist can help me find myself again, because right now, Queefies.

Crissy is not here.

But I will leave you with this picture because of all the disturbing things I’m going through right now, I don’t think anything is more disturbing than RED HOT DOGS I found at the Super Wal*Mart’s:

Please pray for your Crissy and for all the people who eat red hot dogs.

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59 comments

  1. Aw. I’ve never commented before, but I read often. Just wanted to pop out of the woodwork to say that I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this right now. Or at all, ever. 🙁

  2. Wow do you have a lot of crap on your plate! I will send you a huge hug through my computer. I know, not the same as the real thing right. And Michele is so out in left field with that shit. You are so not that way. I would love to be your best friend. Just remember Michele’s issues are hers not yours and don’t let her dump that crap on your plate. Let us know what you find out on the medical tests. I will say prayers for you. I am a nurse so maybe I should pack up and move there to take care of you and the childrens. I have missed your posts and worried about you. Hang in there. Your queefs love you. I bet this is stress. Stress does awful things to you. You can beat this. so don’t give up!

  3. I tend to use the more accurate kitten scale:

    It starts off at crazy (and really, who isn’t, that’s why it starts here)

    then you go up a notch to Crazy Like a Bag of Wet Kittens

    all the way up to Crazy Like a Bag of Wet Kittens in a Metal Trash Can Rolling Down a Hill in the Rain, On Fire, Headed Towards a River

    Many of the women I date seem to have been at the further end of the scale, without the heading towards the river part of course because usually they’re locked up by then.

    Here’s hoping your kittens stay wet, but not on fire!!!

  4. I had a friend break up with me last year because I needed space and wasn’t spending all my free time mopping up her nanny’s tears. I tried to make it work and soon realized that she was bat shit uncool and mean and I needed none of it. Long story and unworthy of hilarity. I am so sorry you are having serious PPD anxiety and that your pal bailed after leaving a shit stain on your heart. Be thankful it’s now and not in 5 years after she’s dumped all her garbage on you and tattooed your name on her shoulder and then unfriended you on FB. Your funny will get you through as well as the little blue pills, tiny kiddo hugs and some serious Helen Keller joke telling.

    Good luck with the red hot dogs!

    Dotty
    .-= Dotty’s last blog post… Commercial Appeal =-.

  5. Eh, docs don’t realize when they say “brain tumor” people freak out … tumors that cause boob leakage are usually small growths on the pituitary gland (behind your nose). Treated with meds. No biggie. I know a shitload of people with the condition (OK, two … but who else knows TWO PEOPLE with “brain tumors” that cause boob juice and go away with meds? Right?)

    As for Michele, go boil her bunny before they put you on meds that will not justify an insanity defense.

    Chin up, your sad clown picture is depressing. 🙂

  6. Michele can eff off. For reals. Obviously not a true friend. I’m sorry for all your sadness 🙁 Hope you feel better soon. My days aren’t the same without a Crissy Post.

  7. I hope you feel better soon. I went bat shit bananas with a raging case of the crazies this spring until Lexapro got me straightened out. It may feel like you’re underwater with all of the anxiety but it will get better.

  8. Aw, hugs to you Crissy. So sorry you’re having to go thru ALL of this. But you’ll get thru it, be stronger for it, and life will be even better (at least until Life throws the next pile of shit at you, anyway. Bastard.)

    Snuggle with your girls each night and read a fun Christmas book, then snuggle with the Mister and howl over the ‘Bad Santa’ DVD or something (I wonder if there is a Midget Zombie Christmas porno, yet?)

  9. I’m sending hugs and good vibes and prayers your way! Things will get better. They really will – don’t they always? And stoopid Michele is a horrible friend. Horrible. She doesn’t deserve your friendship.

  10. Okay – I’m trying to think of something supportive to say and in the background Terry Gross is discussing ballerinas and their bulging calves and now all I can think of is two wild and crazy guys who attract the foxes with their bulges.

    my wife went off the deep end after our daughter (#2 child) was born. a combination of meds and therapy got her through it. you will too. take care. after all, who else is going to test the do-it-at-home dildo kit for the rest of us.

  11. Firstly– this is my first time commenting. I have been reading your blog for probably well over a year now, and have been too shy to comment but I have to comment now, because…
    Second– I am praying for you, Crissy. Heartfelt, fervent prayer because PPD anxiety is a freaking nightmare that is 5 years behind me now, and I remember its awfulness.
    It sure doesn’t help to have health problems and friend bullshit/drama on top of it.
    Surround yourself with good, supportive people, do what helps you to feel better, and hang in there. I promise you will not always feel this way. It takes a bit of time, but you will be you again someday soon. Blessings to you and your beautiful family. :o)

  12. I have never commented before, but I think you need to know that there are a lot of people rooting for you. I had the PPD and anxiety too, tried to deal with it myself just like you and almost lost my husband over it. I am glad you are getting help, I am sure everything will be fine. Sending you some soothing thoughts and a big hug.

  13. Welcome to the Requires-Several-Different-Medications-To-Function Club! We’re very elite, and your new membership comes at a good time because we’re looking for a glamorous face for our new ad campaign. We like the bat shit crazy Crissy-types and not the selfish mean asshole Michele types. Which, does this mean you will be taking applications for new best friends? Where can interested parties apply?

    We’re rooting for you, all the way down South!

  14. Crissy, I’m so sorry to hear about your problems. I know you’ll get through. How about a post asking your ever-helpful readers to tell you, in excruciating detail, about their own problems? Misery loves company, after all. And/or watch Jerry Springer or Maury Povich, or whoever is currently exploiting those people whose lives are SO much more totally pathetic than yours!
    BTW, my BF has a pituitary adenoma (benign brain tumor) which makes him lactate (not much, though) and his doctors just advised watchful waiting.
    Hope you feel better soon.

  15. Crissy I have been enjoying your writing at Crissypage for a long time now. Our kids are about the same age and I love your humor and commentary about your family and thank you for all the hard work your blogging must be. Your Toy With Me writings have helped spice up my 10 year old marriage and have thereby made our lives fuller and happier and for that too we thank you so much. Your humor, wit and insight and terrific writing are all wonderful talents to be so proud of…i wait for a new posting from you like I used to wait for the Ice Cream Man’s truck in the summer. You should know, while in the battle you’re in, that you have heaps of friends from all over the interwebs who love you, are praying for you and will continue to support you. Hang in there and here is a big hug from me.

  16. Carve some red hot dogs into mangled-looking people shapes and leave them in Michele’s mailbox.

    You will bounce back from all of this. You’re doing everything right. And, your queefs love you a whole lot so that ought to count for some universe points.
    .-= Heidi Renée’s last blog post… Christmas cheer- party of one =-.

  17. I feel bad for Michele. I mean it sucks to get Pruned but clearly you are not the only having trouble right now. She appears to have issues with people in her past that she’s projecting on to you. Whether you did something, real or imagined, doesn’t matter so much today. Breath and let it go. You take care of yourself and in the end it will all come together again.

    PS – if it turns out to be a brain tumor don’t you worry, my cousin is one of the best neurosurgeons in the country! We’ll push you right to the top of his list! And my cousin’s husband had a brain tumor that they said was inoperable and they gave him six months to live… 20 yrs later the asshole is still being a jerk off.

  18. Day-um, girl! You know I love you and I’m sorry you’re going through all of this but in my professional google-the-symptoms-and-come-up-with-an-answer-capacity, I’m pretty sure that all your problems stem from those red hot dogs. Red hot dogs? That would fuck anyone up.

  19. I think you are awesome and so even though we have never met in person and I have never commented on your blog before, just know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
    Jill

  20. It sucks to see the edge of Crazy, doesn’t it? Like when you can see the line where murdering rapists live and you go “oh, so that’s it, huh?”. It freaked me out.

    Can I share something with you? I’ve always been prone to depression but never bad enough to warrant worry. Til that 2nd kid came along. They called it PPD but I don’t know – I have no doubt that the preggers hormones triggered it but I thing that pregnancy changed my brain. Cuz my 2nd prevnancy is now 8 years and #3 is 4. Because I’ve tried several times to go off the meds only to see the edge of Crazy again.

    Give it a couple weeks. I know it sounds LONG but Crazy? Is a tough customer!

  21. Oh my. I’m so glad you’re getting help and I’m so very sorry about Michele. We love you here in Portland and I wish this country weren’t so damn big because I wish we were closer so we could help more. Keep on keeping on.
    .-= Melissalion’s last blog post… New Glasses =-.

  22. Well, if this unusually long list of comments doesn’t prove how much you are loved…I don’t know what will. After all that’s been posted, I agree with aznman!!

    HUMONGOUS hugs to you!! And smooches to Mister, Girlfriend, Homeslice and Mom for their own ways of helping!

    Hang in there! Maybe you can do like I do…think of ‘the crazies’ as phases. You’re in one now, and it will end.(tends to take some of the pressure off!)

    Happy Holidays! To all!!

  23. i just want to come out and thank everyone who’s posted a comment.

    a few minutes ago my wife sat quietly on the edge of the bed reading them all. she turned to me with tears welling up in her eyes and said, “so many people commented on my blog.. and so many of them have been through the same stuff.”

    and i told her that of course you all have, because you’re not idiots, and i do think that a particular burden of intelligence is a hyper-awareness of how fragile and precious life and happiness seems to be.

    hearing your stories and testimonies and advice and support meant (and continues to mean) an awful lot. the internet can be a cold and unforgiving place but i am very proud of this little corner of it.

    on another note i think the best advice i’ve heard re: a broken friendship is “the best revenge is living well.” there is no question in my mind that my wife is the most loyal, most sacrificing, most empathetic friend anyone could ask for (and after nearly 15 years i know her better than anyone), so the fact that someone comes to the conclusion that they’re actually better off breaking off all contact whatsoever with her just illustrates a lack of alignment with reality.

    queefs are the best!

    Crissy’s Pimps last blog post: a shitload of pictures in less than 6 minutes

  24. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your beautiful family. I’ve been on Lexapro for almost 3 years now, and let me tell you, it has been a Godsend. I was hesitant to go on medication, too, but I had reached a point where I didn’t care, I just needed to feel better. It took a few weeks to kick in for me but I’ve been on it ever since and it is a good. thing.

    I’m so sorry your former friend felt the need to cut out when your need for a friend was the greatest. My thoughts are with her, too, because she just lost an amazing friend. Keep your head up-we’re all rooting for you.

  25. Hey Crissy….I decided to read the comments before I commented and I realized that you are one lucky lady! Not only do you have a ton of friends (and many of us “strangers” who feel like friends) who are willing to lift you up…but apparantly you have a freakin’ rad husband. Ken, your comment is amazing! You are a great couple and a strong family….and you will get through all of this and come out better because of it. Hang in there Crissy and always know we are here to virtually “listen! “

  26. Thanks for sharing your story. It helps to know that others go through this shit too. And many of us do!! You are doing all the right things and over time your stratagies will help you. You are a hilarious thoughtful person and many of us here thank you for sharing your special brand of humour with us.
    Wish you well!!!

  27. I just wanted you to know that I really appreciate all the funny you bring to my inbox, and am so sorry you’re going through all of this right now. Take care, and get better soon.

  28. Ugh, the anxieties, I totally hate that feeling. I had a bad bout with them last week and I was a completely nonfunctional member of society. I’m still shocked I made it through a 10 hour day of work. I’m really hoping the drugs are helping you.

    It’s really shitty that your friend bailed on you at such a point in your life. Apparently she couldn’t take your awesomeness, so just keep going on being you and staying strong.

    One final thought – can I get a hell yeah to the interwebs, this place never ceases to amaze me. So many great people with all kinds of support and don’t feel crazy I’ve been there too stories which never ceases to help.

    I queef in your general direction! Or ya know, send a virtual hug 😉
    .-= Kim’s last blog post… Youre a sad one- Mrs Grinch =-.

  29. I read your blog often and have never left a comment, but I feel compelled now to let you know that I find you freaking hilarious and really love the honesty in your writing. I’m sorry that you are going through such a hard time and I hope that you start to feel better again very soon!

  30. As I was sitting at the dentist, trying my very best to ward of the massive panic attack that was coming, I thought of you. It’s been a long, long time since I’ve been *that* out of control – the shaking, the hyperventilating, the tears that wouldn’t stop. Just know that you’ll get through it. Because that’s what I told the nurse. That I would be fine if they just gave me a few minutes to collect myself. Because that’s what I’ve learned. Life doesn’t stop with anxiety, but you learn how to manage it. I love you.
    .-= k8’s last blog post… Giving Up and Giving In =-.

  31. What about two songs I sent u told u to listen to them when ur anxeious u said u had viral bronchitis that’s probably the reason for lymph node swelling maybe it not cleared yet ?does ur blood work shows any kind of virology ? Ur doctor is I wud say over the top to even suggest cancer it’s NOT my personal opinion is u have cfs or sum hormone issue I’m not a doctor but i can tell u it’s not cancer u r 36 u don’t fall in that age group u don’t have any risk factor for brain tumor try those songs they work for ppl here do you have lymphnopathy or few lympnodes ? what’s ur esr levels ?I hope that’s not too personal if it us simply don’t answer best regards shafi

  32. Crissy –
    I don’t comment often, but I just wanted to let you know that you are definitely in my prayers. Sometimes life is just so hard. I’m sure you wanted to avoid the medication, but sometimes we just need a little help to get us through and that’s totally OK. Hang in there and snuggle those babies and know that it’s going to be OK. Big HUGS to you from Southern California. – Lissa

  33. I’m late to the party but I wanted to show some support 🙂

    Two years (give or take) ago, I was hospitalized for 7 days after a major panic attack. Batshit crazy anxiety struck me at work, no less, where no one was understanding and my bosses thought I was making it up to get out of work early. When I got out of the hospital, I received a letter from those bosses telling me that until they had received adequate confirmation from my doctors that I was capable of working (the hospital provided me a return-to-work letter signed by my attending psych but they didn’t accept that one. Nor did they accept the one my primary care doctor wrote a week later. It was only after they had written confirmation from my personal therapist that I was allowed to return to work.) The day I returned (3 weeks after my discharge), I was given a negative performance review. Three weeks after that I was fired for “performance reasons”. I haven’t worked full-time or had medical insurance since.
    Anxiety & depression will FUCK YOU UP. And many people (read: total fucktards) will not know how to deal with you. They will make it worse. You know what? FUCK THEM ALL!
    I’m still here, Crissy… I’m broke and jobless, but I’m still here. And my relationship with my DD, Beanlet, is better than it’s ever been. I have hope for the first time in years. And, I’ve managed to give up medications.
    I just want you to know that there is another side for you to come out on… keep sharing as much as you can and, if it were me, I’d leave Michelle a note telling her to grow the fuck up and if she doesn’t want to have any contact with her neighbor across the street (to the point of driving her dd to a different busstop), then you expect to see a For Sale sign in front of her house forthwith because you aren’t going out of your way to avoid her.
    HUGS from a very Rainy Pacific NW… we’re rooting for you. And I’m living proof that there’s another side to the Crazy. See you when you get here 🙂

  34. Wow, what can I say. We’ve been following you for what, maybe three years now, and I gotta tell you that you keep _me_ from getting the crazies. (well, Prozac helps a little)

    You’ve kept me in stitches, turned us onto Savers, and got us to buy at least one indispensable toy.

    I’m hoping one of these times that we visit NE, (couple times a year, hint) we can get to meet you guys F2F.

    Your family and us, your virtual family , are all rootin’ for ya to feel betta!

  35. Naw. Crissy. I’ve had the anxiety since I was 20. I’m 26 now, and can’t say it’s ever really gone away. I don’t have the added concern of children, but I do go to work every day in an animal shelter, where I know that half of the animals in our care probably won’t survive. And I also know that on some days, I’m the one that helps decide. I used to be numb to it, and that was how I dealt, but now it’s getting to be almost too hard.

  36. Rachel – in reference to the link you provided: poster Anon, of that sight took the words riiight outta my mouth when he wrote “annd my legs just involuntarily clamped together FOREVER”… lmao 😀

  37. I have been checking everyday to see if you were back. I was hoping you were just taking a lovely vacation from the stress. I am so sad for you that you were dealing with this. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I have had anxiety issues since I was about 5 years old and the have only magnified by a thousand since I had kids. I am so sorry about your friend. There is no amount of “your better without her” that would make the pain of that go away but time will dull it I promise! A few years ago I had several of my mom friends that I relied heavily on for their friendship completely betray me and turn their backs on me. I was a mess for a long time and didn’t trust anyone. I still have trouble trusting peoples motives. But now it is better. Duller. You are still beautiful and funny even in a panicky state. Your blog helped me through the worst year of my life and I hope you are able to find something to make you laugh and give you a little peace like I did. Take care of yourself lady!

  38. huge hugs, chrissy. superfucked anxiety is a mofo. i’ve been experiencing the same kinds of issues with health concerns and uncontrollable anxiety. i recently posted that i had lost my fun. please know you’re loved and that you help most of us on any given day with your wit, humor and intelligence. this line saved me today:
    ” I even imagine my anxiety to be a hideous looking monster named Enid who I thrash around my living room during Turbo Jam every morning. It feels pretty good and empowering to do that.”

    and mister’s comment has me in tears. i hate feeling fragile. yes, empowerment (living well is the best revenge) is where we need to get our heads.
    .-= pattypunker’s last blog post… freelance whales =-.

  39. I don’t think I’ve ever commented here, but I’ve been lurking for an embarrassingly long time (prolly…2, maybe 3 years) and I just wanted to say that I am thinking/praying for you. You will kick this anxiety/PPDs ass because you are the Queen!
    yours truly,
    Queef Heather (seeing that name makes me laugh)

  40. I love your red hair color. You look good in that picture.
    I have found that if someone suddenly stops being your friend, then something is up with them. I bet she was wanting your husband. I had a friend, a neighbor once. I thought we were great friends. I came home from work early once and my husband came home and didn’t know I was there. He called my neighbor and was talking about how much he would miss her when she was gone for the weekend. He was laughing about how I thought she was a really good friend. It was awful hearing that. She moved after that.
    .-= Connie’s last blog post… Beautiful sky =-.

  41. Sorry to hear about everything you’re going through.
    If your physician ever utters the phrase “brain tumor” the letters “MRI” should follow. Especially since you are suffering with acute anxiety.Once you have the results of your MRI (which I’m sure will be fine) you can eliminate that huge worry and perhaps start to feel better.

  42. I have always wanted to have an MRI. I did a lot of ecstasy back in the late 90’s and I want to see if my brain has holes in it. I saw this on MTV once. So if you get one, just know that somewhere in North Carolina, I am jealous.
    I hope you get to feeling better. I know what it is like to be down in the dumps. I am actually visiting them right now. I think yesterday was my peak dumpy day.
    I put my poor boyfriend through some serious shit filled argument for no real reason. He didn’t do anything. I was just being overly sensitive and a bitch. I just feel better after I get to cry out loud about my shitty life. Ok – That is not fair to him.
    Anyways. I don’t see how anyone wouldn’t want to be your friend. Maybe your neighbor is jealous of you and it makes her feel like she isn’t good enough because she can’t be just like you and in that respect it reminds her of her shitty childhood. It’s her. Not you. I don’t know you but it can NOT possibly be you. I would be willing to throw down and take her to the street in your honor.
    Lots of luv to you and I hope you have a great Christmas.

  43. What the fuck type of person “dumps” a friend by email? If you don’t want to be around someone just make other plans, stop going to their BBQs or whatever. Breaking up a friendship by email is just weird, and kinda asking for drama- who needs that stress

  44. Sorry to hear about everything you’re going through. If your physician ever utters the phrase “brain tumor” the letters “MRI” should follow. Especially since you are suffering with acute anxiety.Once you have the results of your MRI (which I’m sure will be fine) you can eliminate that huge worry and perhaps start to feel better.

  45. Hi Crissy!
    I hope you are doing well and that things are looking up for you!
    Anxiety can be a tough battle but you have people around you that love and care for you and will help you through it.
    It’s too bad to hear about your ‘friend’, but in my past experience, when these people leave your life its for the best, it removes a ‘toxic’ person out of your realm and they are always replaced by a unique and kind friend right at a moment when you need it most.
    All the best and I hope you and your family had a good Christmas… or should I say ‘Queef’mas? 😀
    Take care from a Canadian friend!

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