Got Milk?


I’m on Klonopin now.

If I had to trace back to the thing that started me on the journey to needing Klonopin, I think I would start with Homeslice.

The pregnancy.

And my angst has gotten just a tiny bit worse every day, almost imperceptibly, but day by day it has built itself into a big, giant, PROBLEM.

It escalated quickly with the screwy hormones from the weird periods and then the uterus thing and then the bronchitis and then the swollen lymph nodes on Homeslice (which we had checked again yesterday and are completely healthy and fine) and also in my armpits and I started walking around like Mary Katherine Gallagher

checking, checking, checking, checking a thousand times a day to see if they were still swollen.

Because it’s The Cancer again, you know.

And so I made an appointment with my doctor and just before the appointment while talking on the phone to Rachel, I felt a tingle. Like, the kind you feel when your milk lets down, so I gave it a little squeeze and sure enough, there was milk.

I nearly passed out.

And I was all “Oh my God, Rachel! I HAVE MILK COMING OUT OF ME!”
And she’s all, “That’s pretty disturbing. What’s more disturbing to me is why you’re squeezing your nipples while you’re talking to me on the phone.”

And so she laughed at me and told me to go be crazy somewhere else and hung up. She’s 9 months pregnant and she’s got cankles. Some of us have REAL problems to deal with, you know.

When I got to the doctor, I was way past screech level.

I was on…chihuahua level, at least.

And the doctor walked in and before asking me anything about myself or what I was doing in his office shedding fur all over his exam table, he was just like “you look like you need to be sedated for at least 48 hours.”

And then I told him all the things that were bothering me–irregular periods, thickened uterus, bronchitis, swollen lymph nodes, lactation, EEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!!!!! And when he asked me what was bothering me the most, I told him it was my swollen lymph nodes because of The Cancer, he let out a big chuckle.

He went “hahahahahahaha!” at me just like that, you guys.

Apparently, the lymph nodes are not a concern. He felt them. They’re fine.

But the lactation?

Pretty much a concern.

You, my about to be informed Queefies, can actually work yourself up into such a fit of anxiety that you LACTATE!

It’s completely true. I don’t think men can, though. That’s just a guess. I’m no doctor.

What happens is that your brain releases too much dopamine and to counteract that, you release prolactin, the hormone responsible for helping to stimulate milk production.

The problem is that the lactation can also be caused by a pituitary gland issue.

So, to rule that out, I have to take Klonopin for two weeks to see if the milk dries up with my stress level. I do not like that I have to take Klonopin, but I have to say it is helping. The crazy, obsessive, racing paranoid thoughts are going away and I keep catching myself thinking about normal stuff and not nutsy stuff. I haven’t taken my tiny one eighth of one milligram since yesterday morning and I’m actually feeling like myself again. I even had a cup of caffeinated tea this morning and I’m still okay. I’m totally carrying that bottle around in my purse though, just in case The Crazy tries to sneak back in. Oh, and I haven’t lactated in three days.

So yes.

I am an anxious cow, but I think I might be done embarrassing myself at the doctor’s office for a while.

Fingers crossed because after all, it’s Thanksgiving and somebody at some point is bound to cause a kerfuffle.

I’m actually a little happy this has happened because maybe I can get back on the road to feeling like myself again.

And it’s a Toy with Me day today!!!!


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  1. I would like to take this opportunity to accept my award for “Most Supportive Friend”…

    and Tim says that if it’s a dopamine issue, maybe you should consider laying off the blow.

    We’re ALL sympathetic here….obviously.

  2. Sometimes we need a little help from the multimillion dollar pharmaceutical company to keep us from going Bat Shit Crazy. That is allowable. In fact, it’s completely acceptable.

    I know people that take pills all day.just to crawl their asses out of bed only to never leave their house because outside is just too much. I’ve watched my friends with severe anxiety prepare to go out of the house. I’d relate it to watching someone being tortured by unseen evil gnomes with axes and ice picks. For one of my friends the thought of having to go to Kmart for NEEDS was enough to keep her bed bound for days.

    So…yes…you are totally not as Crazy as you COULD be and some days knowing I could be even Crazier than I AM is enough to make me feel just a tad better about myself.
    .-= Nambrosia’s last blog post… Its Thursday Mother Fuckers!! =-.

  3. Holy shit, you can worry yourself into lactation!?!?! I mean, I’m still lactating, but that’s because I am still nursing. But I’m a natural worrier and having a baby has kicked it into overdrive a lot of the time. If I weren’t so damned tired from being up with the baby at night, I would be up worrying about something (as it is, I’m so tired I literally pass the eff out in between baby cries). And no, baby at 10 months is still not sleeping great, but that’s a story for another day.

    Today I have to worry about the fact that, in addition to worrying myself sick (literally, I will vomit), I may now worry myself into LACTATING!? UGH

    Hugs and kisses and spanks – hope you and the family have a great Thanksgiving ๐Ÿ™‚

    PS Sorry I’ve been a bit absent lately

  4. Oh Crissy, I’m so sorry you have to go through all this. Life for you should be filled with pretty rainbow cupcakes and sparkly unicorn farts that smell like happy. I hope your new little friends in the bottle make everything better soon.

    And I am SO impressed you could stress yourself into lactation! Wow! I bow to you, my Queen!

  5. Well, they don’t call it Mommy’s Little Helper for nothing. Klonopin is kind of the best drug in the universe. I was on it for YEARS. They took it away from me when I went to treatment though. Apparently drinking vodka for breakfast in the morning makes you super anxious.

    I’m so glad your head is on the mend. So glad. I know how it feels and well – I’m happy for you.
    .-= k8’s last blog post… Smarty- Smarty- Dressed For a Party =-.

  6. Going to get help is the hardest part. So glad you’re feeling better. I take a pill every day for depression and as much as I hate to admit that I need it, it do. Have a great Thanksgiving!!

  7. I read your article at Toy with Me. And then headed back here to see what your writing was about.

    I know anxiety can be really rough. I have my own issues of late, that maybe related to a lot of things right now. I am going the herbal route for now.

    BUT the reason I decided to post, was because I wanted to say thank you. I’m always looking for information to explain things like this, so that people aren’t so judgmental, and so that when someone asks me about what I think (because I always get asked the questions no one else wants to answer), I can maybe bridge that space.

    What you said was really good. It’s very thought provoking when searching for a reason, or an explanation or even a way to share the reality, or even the introduction of how someone might get to a space.

    It actually helped me, which means if someone else asks me (and they will)…maybe I can send them to your posts and that will help them.
    .-= LT Writes’s last blog post… The Four Agreements and Ethics for this Survivor =-.

  8. Well I’m not a doctor but I know one of the best ones in the world trust me when I say this I have got no right to comment on your personal life but since I’m ur fan it’s my moral obligation to tell u not to take rivotril do NOT take this medicine don’t take any benzo or cns depressents if you feel anxious about everything I believe ur suffering from generalized anxiety disorder it’s very unlikey that ur lactating is caused by stress I am NOT a doctor again the one who saw u is in the best position but even then isay it’s an unlikely thing for ur anxiety just stay away from alcohol and do breathing exercise and change your routine and WALK just what I thought I should tell you as a fan best regards madam shafi

  9. Some doctors will tell u stress can cause fever it can slightly increase your body temprature but can not cause fever stay away from the fancy diagnoses!!! and medicines !!!

  10. Happy to hear the meds are helping. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Also, I wanted to mention that after nursing both of my boys, I technically ‘lactated’ for just about a year after weaning them. It was never a lot of milk, but I would notice it if I took a really long hot shower, if they would be over-stimulated or if I laid on them just right at night. My OB/GYN said it was normal due the crazy hormone shift after pregnancy and nursing.

    Hope it keeps looking up for you! Happy thanksgiving!

  11. Yes sir they can under extream stress and Torture and when the brain senses that life is in danger but it’s again v v v RARE not in the life and comfort we live in no they can not … when you hear hoofs don’t say zebra say horse it can be zebra but UNLIKELY what I can understand from the posts of the queen ur wife that is the she is just suffering from anxiety generalized anxiety which we all do to dome extent but even in the most worst case it shudnt cause lactation until unless she took her anxiety to a level I can’t comprehend and my best guess is hormones are playing up a part in this not a diseas as she thinks or projects again please don’t mind what I say I understand that’s ur personal decision but giving rivotril is harsh very harsh that’s just not my point of view I can prove it but that wud take time plus English isn’t my first language and maybe u should go get a second opinion that’s just what I think is best lactating under stress good for Internet but the chances of it are non existent she probably has a very common hormone issue and not sumthing to worry about at all best regards to you sir

  12. Okay, well… I’ve been lactating for… Let’s see, my bio kid is sixteen? It’s not like, MILK milk, though – it’s more like colostrum milk? And I get that “letting down” sensation, too. I’ve discussed it with docs over the years and they checked the pituitary and one also said it’s because I’m a vegan and I eat all the soy so it’s the phytoestrogen or…

    So you’re saying I could just have just had the hella anxiety all these years?!
    .-= The Gonzo Mama’s last blog post… I Blame My Animal Magnetism =-.

  13. Okay, so I don’t feel that crazy after reading your awesome post. I am milk-free and lymphnode-less but I do have a bottle of Ativan in my purse after a particularly hairy September, one in which all the hot bikini wax in Egypt couldn’t de-fuzz my crazy. So, here’s to carrying around a bottle of bonkers-go-bye bye pills. And here’s to your honesty and humor in the face of some scary shit!
    .-= Dotty’s last blog post… RIP Mr Nielsen =-.

  14. Yes, men can lactate. I have a friend who has a pituitary adenoma (benign pituitary tumor) that messes up his hormones and causes him to be able to get a little milk from his nipples. He was prescribed a medication, but he doesn’t take it because it’s not that big a problem and he said the med made him uncontrollably horny.

  15. It seems like kids take your sanity with them when they exit the womb. I used to be a very even tempered and up beat person but now I am a raging emotion machine. Kudos to you for getting the help you need and being brave enough to speak about it.

    By the way, I loved your Spanking post over at TWM. I too am a fan of spanking and had no idea until I met my husband. There is something very naughty and exciting about it and it does get you out of your head.
    .-= Sabreena’s last blog post… Thanksgiving =-.

  16. Dudette. The Crazy needs to take a long walk off a short cliff. Been there one too many damn times and I don’t even HAVE childrens. I’m scared what my uterus is going to do to me when I DO haz childrens.

    Anyhoozle – I’m glad that there seems to be a resolution at the moment. I had went on a prescription in January and BOY did it do wonders. Only used it till my brain got back to order.. but yeah, I’m down for docs that know their shit.

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