So there I was admiring the artwork in the waiting room of Dr. Jan Penkala, Wookie Doctor Extraordinaire, and wondering what yard sale he got that shit from.
There’s a clown picture apparently painted by a fifth grader, a HUGE photo portrait of somebody’s baby girl that is undoubtedly meant to be the focal point of the room, a sketch of an old fashioned baby carriage, and a pastel elephant holding an umbrella.
These babyish things are punctuated by the long shelf full of birth control brochures. Are we decorating a gynecologist’s office or a nursery here? Make up your mind, Wookie man. You can’t have your birth control AND your babies. Come on now.
I wondered how many times I studied that clown picture while sitting in that waiting area, feeling really nervous because I knew I wasn’t getting out of there without taking my pants off and being violated first.
So I waited and waited. Waitwaitwaitwaitwait and then finally I hear my favorite nurse, the one who calls me “honey” and makes me feel safe, say “Kristen?”
It was finally my time to go into the back where the magic happens. I thought I’d be seeing the good doctor any minute, but there I was, naked from bottoms down with my paper skirt on, waiting some more. I studied the charts detailing ovulation and pregnancy and read the warning label on the light they use to light up the ol’ love tunnel. I tried not to look at the cart full of scary looking gynecological accoutrements. Once I’d looked at everything except that, there was nothing more to look at in the exam room, so I started looking at myself.
I found a little ingrown hair on my pubical area and of course, I picked at it.
Instantly, there was a knock on the door and in walked Dr. Jan Penkala, Wookie Doctor Extraordinaire. As soon as he pulled back my paper skirt, he exclaimed “oh WOW! Have you been operating on yourself here, dear?” And at first I didn’t know what he was talking about but then I realized.
The ingrown hair was bleeding.
Oh, jeezus. He told me to take it easy on myself and kept checking to see if I had stopped bleeding yet.
What we can learn from this experience Queefies is that if there is a way for me to add extra humiliation to an already humiliating experience, I will find it instinctively.
God, Crissy! Seriously!
The rest of the exam went well and the shadow he saw on the ultrasound was nothing, and even though I have a thicker than average uterus, he’s not going to treat me with any hormones. He wants to see more consistently irregular bleeding first. He’s very conservative, so that’s good.
I guess I shouldn’t be too embarrassed though. The man has seen me shit out a baby, so really my pride flew out the window 17 months ago.
But still.
UGH! Rookie mistake.
Also, it’s Wednesday!
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Honestly, there’s no point to trying to hold onto your dignity at the Wookie Doctor’s office. In fact, why not just Vajazzle beforehand so the doc has something besides “plain” wookies to look at all day.
.-= MsDarkstar’s last blog post… Truthiness Tuesday 4 =-.
i just want to tell you that i love you.
and your thick uterus.
try not to go off the deep end obsessing about your health today. you are fine. it will all be okay. everyone has some kind of respiratory infection right now. EVERYONE. have faith in your immune system.
What Pimp is referring to here is my sudden and intense hypochondria that was set off by the uterus debacle.
I have swollen glands in my armpits and I’m pretty sure that even though I have bronchitis and have had a cough for two weeks, I really have lymphatic cancer, just like Homeslice.
I may put in a call to the ol’ shrinkydoo this morning because things are getting out of hand.
Instead of googling my symptoms today, I’m googleing “help for hypochondriacs.”
Clowns are scary.
Hormones suck.
Your husband is fabulous.
Have a good day.
Oh and Ms.Darkstar, I think that’s a great idea! I’ve got a pap smear next month! I’m feeling a Christmas theme.
Are you scared of clowns too, Tess?
dear wife, how many times do i have to tell you this?
your pussy is undoubtedly one of the prettiest, most well-manicured, freshest-smelling, vivacious, and overall healthiest pussies that doctor has had the pleasure of putting his hand in for the last six months.
you were the highlight of the season. trust me. i know what i’m talking about.
I think it’s very good that you’re using google for good instead of evil. They should make google goggles for WebMD, ya know?
.-= Melissa Lion’s last blog post… Back Fence is Tonight! =-.
I still need to call my girly bits doctor to get my yearly exam. Except he is going to order a mamogram and I don’t want to do that. He orders them at 35 instead of 40 like all the other doctors.
.-= Rebecca’s last blog post… Oh My Word This Place Is Amazing =-.
Ahhhhhggggg. Just reading this makes my face hot. NONONONONON. Make it go away. Also, if I have to accept on a daily basis that I have heartburn instead of liver cancer, then you have to let the lymphatic cancer go. We can do this together.
.-= k8′s last blog post… Various and Sundry =-.
Well that’s great that the wookie doctor found everything to be fine!! He could have just shut up about the picking tho hahaha ..
p.s. thank you for making me smile today.
Kill me! My gyno had garfield posters on the ceiling so it could be worse.
.-= Nic’s last blog post… Sync =-.
Do you wonder if CP has a basis for comparison there?
.-= joeinvegas’s last blog post… the Elvis billboard =-.
My former gynecologist had a few INTENSELY feminine pieces of art on her office waiting room walls. I always felt intimidated, as if I could never measure up. My current gynecologist has cartoon posters on her examination room walls, of that cartoon lady who’s very old, and makes old people jokes. Can’t remember what the cartoon lady’s name is, but her jokes actually depress me somewhat.
.-= Helen’s last blog post… Red and Gold Fleurette Hair Clip SALE =-.
Any chance u can send me that hair
Crissy! I *need* another vajazzle! Get me one! How do I get one!
If I were a gyno I’d have those flower paintings that look like vajayjays up everywhere.
Our wookie has beautiful scenes of the country side and flowers on the walls. But you don’t notice because there is a teevee with a soap opera on REALLY LOUD. And in the exam rooms…you can just count the holes in the drop ceiling for fun!
Next month, do what I do. When filling out the paperwork that has to be updated every time you go in and that NOBODY reads, put down that you have lesions on your penis!!(No, I don’t have that…a penis that is.) It’s a test, and always fun if someone actually reads the thing.
I hate clowns – they are horrible and creepy, I love that you made your gyno visit even more embarrassing – nice work!
.-= JenBetweenDots’s last blog post… Why I’ll Never Be A Hairdresser =-.
We have to take control. Stopping emails at the source is the first thing I suggest. See how many you can eliminate BEFORE they ever hit your inbox. Every email you receive costs you precious time.