Do you guys remember how I have this remarkable talent for getting my period like, every two weeks sometimes and I call it My Superpower? (that post was written back when I had a sense of humor. You should read it.)
Well, it’s been happening on and off for years and October was a particularly interesting month because I had My Superpower at the beginning of the month and it was normal and perfectly on time and everything and then I got it again in the middle of the month and it didn’t quite go away completely and so I called the doctor and they brought me in for an ultrasound.
Well, my doctor called me at work which made all the blood leave my head and I started crying because I’m always healthy and OH MY GOD MY DOCTOR IS CALLING ME AT WORK I HAVE THE CANCER!!!!
The good news is that my very small fibroids didn’t get any bigger and my ultrasound “looks good overall,” but the lining of my lovely uterus is too thick. And he wouldn’t tell me what that might mean, but he wants to see me. But he can’t do an exam until next week because I have My Superpower again, which I’m actually due for and it’s right on time. Except I just had it.
I have to wait a whole week thinking I might have The Cancer.
So of course I Google “thick uterine lining” and what comes up first but UTERINE CANCER.
The blood left my head again and that’s all I needed to see because here’s where what my first grade teacher called “a wonderful imagination” fucks me and I immediately start picturing my funeral.
And then I put Mister on it and as it turns out it might be something as simple as a hormone imbalance and I’m wondering why my doctor couldn’t have just said that so I don’t spend the next week shitting myself and looking at my kids and tearing up because I might not live to see them grow up.
That would be crazy, right? I don’t have The Cancer, right you guys?
Everyone gets Female Problems sometimes, don’t they?
Except men. They don’t have trouble with their periods. Usually.
I’m freaking out and I hope that in like a month from now we all look back on this and laugh and say “remember you had a couple of weird periods and you totally freaked out and you thought you had The Cancer, Crissy?”
That was so silly.
Tell me about your Female Problems and about how you did not die from them, Queefies.