I’m on Klonopin now.
If I had to trace back to the thing that started me on the journey to needing Klonopin, I think I would start with Homeslice.
And my angst has gotten just a tiny bit worse every day, almost imperceptibly, but day by day it has built itself into a big, giant, PROBLEM.
It escalated quickly with the screwy hormones from the weird periods and then the uterus thing and then the bronchitis and then the swollen lymph nodes on Homeslice (which we had checked again yesterday and are completely healthy and fine) and also in my armpits and I started walking around like Mary Katherine Gallagher
checking, checking, checking, checking a thousand times a day to see if they were still swollen.
Because it’s The Cancer again, you know.
And so I made an appointment with my doctor and just before the appointment while talking on the phone to Rachel, I felt a tingle. Like, the kind you feel when your milk lets down, so I gave it a little squeeze and sure enough, there was milk.
I nearly passed out.
And I was all “Oh my God, Rachel! I HAVE MILK COMING OUT OF ME!”
And she’s all, “That’s pretty disturbing. What’s more disturbing to me is why you’re squeezing your nipples while you’re talking to me on the phone.”
And so she laughed at me and told me to go be crazy somewhere else and hung up. She’s 9 months pregnant and she’s got cankles. Some of us have REAL problems to deal with, you know.
When I got to the doctor, I was way past screech level.
I was on…chihuahua level, at least.
And the doctor walked in and before asking me anything about myself or what I was doing in his office shedding fur all over his exam table, he was just like “you look like you need to be sedated for at least 48 hours.”
And then I told him all the things that were bothering me–irregular periods, thickened uterus, bronchitis, swollen lymph nodes, lactation, EEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!!!!! And when he asked me what was bothering me the most, I told him it was my swollen lymph nodes because of The Cancer, he let out a big chuckle.
He went “hahahahahahaha!” at me just like that, you guys.
Apparently, the lymph nodes are not a concern. He felt them. They’re fine.
But the lactation?
Pretty much a concern.
You, my about to be informed Queefies, can actually work yourself up into such a fit of anxiety that you LACTATE!
It’s completely true. I don’t think men can, though. That’s just a guess. I’m no doctor.
What happens is that your brain releases too much dopamine and to counteract that, you release prolactin, the hormone responsible for helping to stimulate milk production.
The problem is that the lactation can also be caused by a pituitary gland issue.
So, to rule that out, I have to take Klonopin for two weeks to see if the milk dries up with my stress level. I do not like that I have to take Klonopin, but I have to say it is helping. The crazy, obsessive, racing paranoid thoughts are going away and I keep catching myself thinking about normal stuff and not nutsy stuff. I haven’t taken my tiny one eighth of one milligram since yesterday morning and I’m actually feeling like myself again. I even had a cup of caffeinated tea this morning and I’m still okay. I’m totally carrying that bottle around in my purse though, just in case The Crazy tries to sneak back in. Oh, and I haven’t lactated in three days.
I am an anxious cow, but I think I might be done embarrassing myself at the doctor’s office for a while.
Fingers crossed because after all, it’s Thanksgiving and somebody at some point is bound to cause a kerfuffle.
I’m actually a little happy this has happened because maybe I can get back on the road to feeling like myself again.
And it’s a Toy with Me day today!!!!