So yesterday I was out in front of the house admiring the orange pumpkin lantern Halloween decorations Mister was busy putting up when some Ass Monkey came flying down our street in his Maxima.
And I had Homeslice by the hand and she was struggling to get away and Girlfriend was skipping down the sidewalk and Ass Monkey totally saw us but didn’t slow down in the least, so I yelled “SLOW DOWN” at him and do you know what he said to me?
He said “FUCK YOU!!”
The nerve, right? I mean, here I am, Queen of Fucking Everything walking down the street with the two Princesses of Fucking Everything, and this reject from Planet Douchewagon in his used Maxima (why is it that 20-something year old boys in Maximas think they’re the fucking shit? What is up with that? I means seriously, it’s a fucking Maxima. Get yourself a Lamborghini and we’ll talk about who’s the shit, okay sweet pea? Until then, put your fucking baseball cap on straight and get over yourself.) has the balls to yell “FUCK YOU” to me.
I’ve got a plan for the next Maxima Ass Monkey who dares try to break the sound barrier on my street. I’m going to get a big bucket of baby dolls from the dollar store and every time a Maxima Ass Monkey comes by, I’m going to throw the baby doll at him. Did I mention the baby doll will first be filled with dog crap? It’ll be Tequila’s dog crap too because there’s plenty of that around my house.
I just get really fired up when these young guys (and sometimes girls) speed around with no regard for what could happen. What if Homeslice managed to wriggle out of my grasp? What if Girlfriend tripped and fell into the street? He would have creamed her, and I would have had to make it my personal mission to make sure his life was a living hell forever. I’d make sure he wound up in a tiny jail cell with a big huge guy with a large penis and a thing for little Ass Monkeys.
So yes, I am officially the kind of woman who shouts “SLOW DOWN” at young dudes driving by my house. Any further suggestions for how I can help them make good choices would be welcome in the space provided below. The police around here don’t care about our speeding problem, so it’s basically Martial Law at this point.
- What the Fuck is Wrong with People?
- Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.
- Get Out of My Way or I’ll Totally Kill You
- I Have A Hangover and I’m Mad About My Trash Can
- Shut Up Beach