Fuck me? Fuck ME?? No, no, FUCK YOU!!!

So yesterday I was out in front of the house admiring the orange pumpkin lantern Halloween decorations Mister was busy putting up when some Ass Monkey came flying down our street in his Maxima.

And I had Homeslice by the hand and she was struggling to get away and Girlfriend was skipping down the sidewalk and Ass Monkey totally saw us but didn’t slow down in the least, so I yelled “SLOW DOWN” at him and do you know what he said to me?

He said “FUCK YOU!!”

HE DID!!!

The nerve, right?  I mean, here I am, Queen of Fucking Everything walking down the street with the two Princesses of Fucking Everything, and this reject from Planet Douchewagon in his used Maxima (why is it that 20-something year old boys in Maximas think they’re the fucking shit? What is up with that? I means seriously, it’s a fucking Maxima.  Get yourself a Lamborghini and we’ll talk about who’s the shit, okay sweet pea?  Until then, put your fucking baseball cap on straight and get over yourself.) has the balls to yell “FUCK YOU” to me.

Well.

Mon! Dieu!

I’ve got a plan for the next Maxima Ass Monkey who dares try to break the sound barrier on my street.  I’m going to get a big bucket of baby dolls from the dollar store and every time a Maxima Ass Monkey comes by, I’m going to throw the baby doll at him.  Did I mention the baby doll will first be filled with dog crap? It’ll be Tequila’s dog crap too because there’s plenty of that around my house.

I just get really fired up when these young guys (and sometimes girls) speed around with no regard for what could happen.  What if Homeslice managed to wriggle out of my grasp?  What if Girlfriend tripped and fell into the street? He would have creamed her, and I would have had to make it my personal mission to make sure his life was a living hell forever. I’d make sure he wound up in a tiny jail cell with a big huge guy with a large penis and a thing for little Ass Monkeys.

So yes, I am officially the kind of woman who shouts “SLOW DOWN” at young dudes driving by my house.  Any further suggestions for how I can help them make good choices would be welcome in the space provided below.  The police around here don’t care about our speeding problem, so it’s basically Martial Law at this point.

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34 comments

  1. well, winter’s coming.

    seeing as there’s a sharp left turn at the end of the street, it sure would be something if it happened to be coated with a thick layer of ice.

    all winter long.

  2. David was outside with the kids when I saw him run down the street. We live on a dead end and he ran down and started yelling at the ass jerks that had almost ran Nicole over. Luckily they were stupid teenagers who were scared by my 6ft 5in husband, but I was scared that they would do something to the cars or house, but they didn’t. I hate speeders in neighborhoods.

  3. And to think, he THOUGHT he had balls! People like that work me to no end. We live on a pretty busy street and can’t even let Little Man and Monkey play in the front yard.

    I’m digging the babydoll idea!

  4. Suggestions for slowing down the douchebags:

    1 – spike strips (the kind cops throw out during chases)
    2 – speed activated landmines
    3 – claymore anti-personnel mines

  5. I am always amazed at the lack of respect teen drivers have. Not only for the speed limit but for those of us trying to make our neighborhood safe for the little ones. I love the baby doll idea!

  6. Try adding in an eye-roll and shake your pointy finger as the schmuck drives by. That’ll give ’em the full effect.

    If it makes you feel better, the Maxima asshole must have a Chicago brothah driving a beat-up Explorer. Because his brothah and hooker were driving through our alley, down the center, not making room for other vehicles (mine). So, I kindly backed up to make room (there might have been an audible huff and visual eye roll accompanying my efforts). That’s when the hooker whore yelled out her window: I hope you fuck better than you drive. I should’ve yelled back to the uneducated bitch that only people who actually graduate kindergarten learn how to share (the road). Sigh.

  7. If you call police and they do nothing…….you should consider, Writing your city councilman, your representative or anyone else who will listen.

    I live in a pretty ‘nice’ area and every now and then I get annoyed with people coming to a rolling stop around here at the stop signs or driving too fast….I just call the police and they typically put up a speed sign that shows a digital read out of how fast passerby’s are going. For the stop sign issue, they normally send out someone to sit at the stop sign for a few hours each day….it gets better for a bit….but then back to normal. I’m all for speed cameras and stop SIGN cameras.
    .-= Rebecca’s last blog post… The Message =-.

  8. Um yeah fuck him indeed. Who does this guy think he is? God forbid he ever hit a kid. What’s with these assholes who speed down residential streets anyway? ASSHATS!

  9. I’m laughing because I’m not sure if you remember what Tim’s first beloved car was….

    yeah, a Maxima.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

  10. Our neighborhood mommies came up with a couple plans. First idea was to roll the soccer ball right as they were zooming. But we quickly realized teens recognize a soccer ball and don’t care. Then we thought of a used stroller with a doll in it. We haven’t done it yet because we’re actually terrified that the driver would freak out, swerve, jump the curb and kill a kid or at least take out a mailbox. Water guns are semi effective. Or, which is what we do as the risk taking adults, just casually saunter into the street and yawn and stretch. You will get a fuck you from some teens. Sadly, you know whats most effective? We teach ojr kids street smarts as toddlers – when a car is coming, get on the grass and wave those drivers down. Teens hate it and older folks feel better because they see that the kid sees them and is less likely to jump in front of the vehicle.

    Let me know how the stroller works!

  11. I live right by a community college so I feel ya! little fuckers. I told my husband that if I ever go postal and end up on the news its going to be because I got out of my car and punched the person behind/infornt of me who cant drive.

    I say you go to the local DMV, pick up a couple of drive trainer pamphlets and throw them at their car as they go by.
    Or better yet get a life sized dummy, hide in the bushes at night and throw it infront of their car if they speed. That’ll scare the shit out of them!
    .-= Crystal’s last blog post… Favorite Fall Recipe =-.

  12. I’m always surprised in the lack of respect teen drivers have. Not just for the velocity restrict but for those of us trying to make our neighborhood safe for that minor ones. I appreciate the child doll concept!

  13. Im 23, I do not own a used Maxima. I bought a new chrysler 300 LTD. when I was 18, I am very careful while driving, especially through residential areas…. the people who do are IDIOTS. Yea martial law would be nice. Martial Law is not what is in effect, because the military would be at your front porch if it was so, not yet..hehe.

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