So I’ve been doing Brazil Butt Lift:
Because YES! I WANT TO LIFT MY BUTT!
And I dare say that Leandro Carvalho has way more feminine energy than my Jillian Michaels.
Sure, she has longer hair and more stubble than Leandro, but do a little Jillianscaping and you’ve got a dude.
Look, they put her in a dress once:
She looked really pretty, but then she was like, “OH MY GOD IT BURNS!! GET IT OFF ME!!! GET ME MY TEE SHIRT!!! IMMEDIATELY!!!”
“Ahhh…that’s so much better. I feel like myself again.”
Have you tried her yoga DVD by the way?
Every time I play it, it rains. That’s how I know that Jillian Michaels doing yoga makes God cry.
Actually, that’s not true. It makes him want to wear a lady’s wig and eat birthday cake.
I kid, I kid. I love my Jillian but yoga is not her forte and neither is being feminine and dancy and sometimes, I just want to be feminine and dancy, and not all butch and diesel.
That’s why I’m really into this Leandro fellow. Not only is the Brazil Butt Lift really fun to do, (particularly the Cardio Axe, which is pronounced Cardio Ash-ay, btw) but it makes me laugh every time he does his “samba tornado” because he’s such a girl. A big, Brazilian girl with stubble and pit hair and a wicked firm ass. And he’s all like “give it to me, Mary!” and “Have fun…show your booty…your bum bum! Don’t be afraid to show what you got!” in his adorable accent.
The only problem is that I am so, so, so not coordinated in the booty shaking, hip gyrating area, and so I look like I’m convulsing more than Brazil Butt Lifting, but I’ve decided it’s all good because I’m having fun. Actually, it’s a lot like when Jillian does yoga. She’s clearly aware that what she’s doing is a total abomination, but she’s not going to apologize for it and neither am I.
If my new Latino neighbors happen to see me through the window, trying my little white girl heart out to do the Lambada moves, and they wind up pointing and laughing and running inside because it’s raining again, so be it.
I, Queefies, will not care because my ass is gonna be spectacular and they can just get an umbrella and shut the fuck up.
- Jillian Michaels is a sweaty whore
- I got a new plant yesterday. Someone was just giving them away and I took it because I love getting new plants. It’s sort of like getting a new pet, except they don’t piss on the floor.
- More tired than you can ever imagine
- Just take away my will to live, why don’t you? OR How therapy went last Friday
- Crissy Drives Like the Wind