Give it to me, Mary!

So I’ve been doing Brazil Butt Lift:

Because YES!  I WANT TO LIFT MY BUTT!

And I dare say that Leandro Carvalho has way more feminine energy than my Jillian Michaels.

I mean, he even looks more like a girl than she does:

Sure, she has longer hair and more stubble than Leandro, but do a little Jillianscaping and you’ve got a dude.

Look, they put her in a dress once:

She looked really pretty, but then she was like, “OH MY GOD IT BURNS!! GET IT OFF ME!!! GET ME MY TEE SHIRT!!! IMMEDIATELY!!!”

“Ahhh…that’s so much better.  I feel like myself again.”

Have you tried her yoga DVD by the way?

Every time I play it, it rains. That’s how I know that Jillian Michaels doing yoga makes God cry.

Actually, that’s not true. It makes him want to wear a lady’s wig and eat birthday cake.

I kid, I kid. I love my Jillian but yoga is not her forte and neither is being feminine and dancy and sometimes, I just want to be feminine and dancy, and not all butch and diesel.

That’s why I’m really into this Leandro fellow. Not only is the Brazil Butt Lift really fun to do, (particularly the Cardio Axe, which is pronounced Cardio Ash-ay, btw) but it makes me laugh every time he does his “samba tornado” because he’s such a girl. A big, Brazilian girl with stubble and pit hair and a wicked firm ass. And he’s all like “give it to me, Mary!” and “Have fun…show your booty…your bum bum! Don’t be afraid to show what you got!” in his adorable accent.

The only problem is that I am so, so, so not coordinated in the booty shaking, hip gyrating area, and so I look like I’m convulsing more than Brazil Butt Lifting, but I’ve decided it’s all good because I’m having fun. Actually, it’s a lot like when Jillian does yoga. She’s clearly aware that what she’s doing is a total abomination, but she’s not going to apologize for it and neither am I.

If my new Latino neighbors happen to see me through the window, trying my little white girl heart out to do the Lambada moves, and they wind up pointing and laughing and running inside because it’s raining again, so be it.

I, Queefies, will not care because my ass is gonna be spectacular and they can just get an umbrella and shut the fuck up.

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21 comments

  1. I’m partial to the name Mary. My family is full of the best Marys.

    A rebellious great grandmother. She gave up her inheritance to marry outside the “family faith”.

    The world’s best auntie, who made a blue ribbon potato salad, the best fried chicken and Devil’s food cake. But she died young–running her car into the neighbor’s porch–a fondness for the hootch. Bless all that she brought into this world.

    Last but not least, have a brilliant (alas, psycho) cousin who went into medicine. Really should be a stand up comedienne (no doubt probably the reason she’s psycho). Followed the family plan, instead of her natural talent. Should have been more like our great grandmother and marched to that different drum.

    Anyway, if Mister doesn’t mind being called Mary, there are worse things.

    Mister Mary has a certain ring to it.

  2. “Every time I play it, it rains. That’s how I know that Jillian Michaels doing yoga makes God cry.”

    Love it! Made me laugh!

    And that pic with the cake just improved my self-esteem considerably…although a “samba tornado” sounds like an interesting morning after mexican food!

  3. Why? Why do my blog friends talk about their exercise videos and make me want to be just like them? I want a butt lift dammit! I already bought Jillians 30 day shred because one of my friends lost all their baby weight, well my baby is 17 and I haven’t lost shit. Now i gotta go get a butt lift. I figure if I ever take these videos out of the wrapping they come in and sleep with them under my pillow, I am gonna be one hot mamma!
    .-= Carol’s last blog post… Why I dont cook =-.

  4. “sometimes, I just want to be feminine and dancy, and not all butch and diesel.” loves it!

    i think this post was one of my favorites of yours. except i need eye bleach after seeing god. i kinda figured somehow that would be the case.
    .-= pattypunker’s last blog post… things lindsay lohan says =-.

  5. hey, you’re getting MUCH better at the moves. do you remember what i said to you when i came down the stairs and you were working out?? i about busted the crotch of my jeans from the inside.

  6. I will never have a brazil butt. I have these dimples and they ruin the entire appearance. Vicki’s Secret was all like “We want you!” but then they saw the dimples and were like “WTF. We can’t even airbrush that shit out”. Yup. So Alejandro or Daniel or whoever the hell he is ain’t gonna win the war against the butt dimples.
    .-= Bat Cave Twidget’s last blog post… Quick! Go get a razor blade! =-.

  7. I kind of want Jillian to come take over my prenatal classes. Because right now, the instructors treat us like we’re big and fat and can’t move and are incubating some alien creature inside our bodies. WTF?!

  8. Jillian Michaels is completely terrifying! But I can hardly complain–I used to do the MTV GRIND workout videos… They made me feel stupid drunk on endorphins. And inadequate. And uncoordinated. And like I’m not alone not knowing how to dance. So not a complete waste!

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