I’d say more but I really have to go.

This is a picture of Homeslice, being adorable:


She’s been sick a lot lately.  First she had that hand, foot, and mouth disease.  Then she had a different cold for a week, and she’s got six teeth coming in all at the same time, and on Friday, I was changing her diaper and noticed a lymph node popped out in her groin/diaper area.  Of course, any normal person would look at it, shrug, and go, “that’s weird. I’ll keep an eye on it” and put the diaper on and continue with her day, but not me, Queefies.

Oh, no, no, no.


So I called the doctor and was all “THE BABY HAS CANCER! WE’RE COMING THERE RIGHT NOW!!” and within an hour we were in front of her doctor who said the lymph node felt healthy and it wasn’t hurting her and the skin over it wasn’t red.  If those things are all present, then it’s time to lose it.

But not now.  It’s not time to start chemo just yet.

So now you guys know.  Don’t freak out until after the doctor tells you it’s okay to freak out. Although, any good doctor won’t tell you to freak out. I’m still freaking out though.  Every time I change her diaper I inspect it to make sure it isn’t getting bigger or redder or sensitive. Of course, because I keep touching it it keeps getting redder…

I can’t blame my anxiety disorder entirely though.  I blame Starbuck’s.  I bought some Starbucks ground coffee at the grocery store and for the last week I’ve been drinking it I’m nauseous, I have back and neck tension, and I’ve been clenching my teeth so hard my teeth are loose.  I finally figured out it’s the coffee.

I’m a slow learner.

Next time I call the doctor in a blind panic, I’m going to start off with “you have to forgive me.  I’ve been drinking Starbuck’s again and…”

Except I stopped drinking it and now I’m a massive caffeine addict. I’m having headaches because I got used to the fucking EVIL Starbucks.

Let’s see….what else?

Kindergarten is going well and Girlfriend is more prepared for it than I ever gave her credit for.  She read 8 words all on her own last night, and she told me the other day that there was a fat kid on the bus who was being teased, and so she turned into a wolf (she loves watching Mister play Zelda Twilight Princess) and howled and chased them away and went to sit with the kid.  I am so proud of her for doing that because she thought it was the right thing to do, so she did it.  I get all teary every time I picture her launching into Zelda Princess Wolf Thingy mode and defending the downtrodden.

That is MY baby, right there.  Fuck you.

I mean, she’s practically Mother Teresa, only she looks much less like Golem.

And here she is with her Girl Posse at an ice cream party:


They’re a good looking bunch of girls, right? That’s little Lauren on the left and then Alena, Maya, and of course Girlfriend. I don’t really know that other blond kid at the end with the crocs on, but she seems aright. She’s a very polite child. She never put that Target bag down though. I only caught a glimpse of her mother outside of her minivan. It looks like she wears way, way, too much eye makeup. Maybe that’s what was in the Target bag–her mother’s makeup drawer contents. Perhaps she was hoping the ice cream party would turn into an intervention when her mom came to pick her up.

But I can’t really say because I only caught a quick look at her.  Maybe it was just a shadow on her face instead of a super dramatic smoky eye paired with mom shorts and an LL Bean tee shirt. I’ll keep you posted on the whore makeup situation if I see the mother again.

Annnnddd Wanda the dog is still in “we’ll see” status.  The rescue people are bringing her over here on Thursday to meet Big Pussy and Alice.  We still don’t know if she’ll like Big Pussy and we don’t know if she sheds too much and we don’t know if Alice wants to be her sister.  I’m trying to curb my enthusiasm until after we’ve met her.  I’m going to feel like a massive asshole if we have to reject her.  I hope I can find the strength to say no if she’s not right for us, and not cave in because I feel guilty.

So yes.  That’s all I have for you at the moment.

I need more Ask Girlfriend questions.  I have only two or three and that doesn’t make a good video.  We need more, so ASK GIRLFRIEND! Remember–only non drug/hooker/gambling questions.

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  1. The girl on the end looks sad. And yes, Wanda sheds. Because she’s a DOG. Unless you get a hairless dog you will have lots of dog hair coming off of your dog. Not like a lab or a pug but there will be hair. Remember to keep her on leash when she meets Big Pussy.

  2. Alice doesn’t shed. I can deal with *some* light shedding, but if buckets of fur are flying off this dog, I cannot deal. I am spoiled by Alice and the dog I had before her, who also didn’t shed.

  3. Dear Girlfriend, I hope I can get some good advise sinse you are a kid like me. I am 7. It is going to be chrismas time soon so I am going to have to write a letter to Santa telling his what I want. He always gets me stupid stuff like cloths and boring books ot even good ones like captain underpants ones. How do I tell Santa to stop bringing me stupid junk presets and just stick to my list of good stuff? If I make him mad he won’t bring me anything and that’s no good. Mom doesn’t help so hopefuly you can tell me what to say to him.

  4. So many comments on this one post. Way to Go Crissy!

    First, I’m so stinking proud of Girlfriend. She’s already reading EIGHT words and is only in kindergarten. She’s also doing the right thing. Around here there is this television station (one of the major news television stations) and they give a “Do The Right Thing” award. I’d totally nominate her if you lived closer.

    Homeslice is so adorable.

    AND…..about the lymph node, I think you are doing the right thing by completely freaking out because this one time in band camp. . .(just kidding about band camp)….anyway, back when Joey was about eight or nine months old he had a swollen lymph node and I was all cool and calm and just phoned the pediatrician and we talked about it and thought it would be safe to wait until Monday for him to look at it. Well by Monday the lymph node went from pea size (on Friday night) to marble size (Monday afternoon) and he said “We need to get this looked at” We went to get an ultrasound Thursday and we were referred to see an ENT on Tuesday…….As soon as we went in to see the ENT he sent us straight to the ER. We had surgery on Wednesday and we were in the hospital for about 5 whole days. He was diagnosed with an MRSA infection. He was on IV antibiotics the entire time he was in the hospital and was sent home to take oral antibiotics for 3 weeks. The whole time we were all taking Bactaban baths/showers and putting that gel stuff in our noses, I forget the name of the gel stuff…..sort of like Neosporin……

    So yea, freak out.
    .-= Rebecca’s last blog post… That Horrible Smell =-.

  5. @Rebecca…HOLY FUCK!!! Now all pea-sized lumps will have me Lose My Shit on a pediatrician. So, thanks for that.

    @Crissy please do inform us of the whore mommy make-up sitch because I’m all about the minivan mommy gossip. Seriously. I loathe whore mommy’s and always feel so badly for their sad-eyed children. It’s as if these tiny people totally KNOW their Mommy is a Giant Whore and it fucks them up on a base level. Perhaps this explains a lot about my little chickadoo…hmmm
    .-= Nambrosia’s last blog post… Discovered =-.

  6. Don’t feel too bad Crissy, I’m pretty sure that my kid’s pediatrician has neurotic mom written somewhere in that manila folder. In fact, it was probably penciled in the day I called up and was all my kid just choked on a piece of banana, do you need to see him?

    Dr.: is he still choking?
    me: no…but what if it scratched his throat…

    and thank you dcgal…Imma gonna gloat all day over the perfect hair thing.

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