So yesterday was interesting because I was sitting at my kitchen counter minding my own business when my brother came in.
Somehow, as he sat down next to me, he woke up the computer and what popped onto the screen but some Ass Porn Mister left up on the desktop. Without missing a beat, my brother picked up the bottle of Wood Glue that Mister left on the counter right next to the computer and said, “you never told me Ken had trouble with his wood! It’s because he’s using the wrong thing! This will never work! You want it less sticky! What a dumbass.”
And then we laughed and talked about how our parents are wet blankets and are always trying to ruin our lives with their “advice” and their “concerns” and then he told me my dad was in the hospital for chest pain.
Like, when were you gonna tell me that, fuck face? And so I called Papa to get the story and he didn’t know anything yet, and I’m just picturing my dad walking into the ER, having driven himself there because everyone knows that’s what you do when you think you’re having a heart attack is go for a drive, about 100 lbs overweight eating a bacon sandwich with a ruby red face and well? It’s amazing they didn’t just bust out the crash cart right there at the registration desk. He’s never had a heart attack before and that is surprising what with his short temper and his love of all things meat. Or ice cream. Or chips. Or cookies. Or anything that Tastes Good.
But he didn’t have a heart attack, you guys. It’s a pulmonary embolism. A really big one. And he has The p-newmonia too. He’s going to be in the hospital all week and when I called him, he was cranky as ever. He’s going to be fine. If he has the strength to complain that he’s going to be out of work for a week, he has the strength to not have a heart attack or a stroke, depending on if the clot dislodges and where it goes if it does. So that’s my story about my dad almost dying but not quite yet so hold your condolences. I’ll keep you posted.
Let’s see…what else?
Oh, Girlfriend did a classy move. She decided to make friends with that little Twattington who gave her a hard time on the bus last week. They’re best friends now. I stayed up all night trying to figure out how to handle the situation and she knew the whole time exactly what to do. I guess I’m doing a decent enough job with this whole parenting thing. Who knew?
And Homeslice just woke up, so I gotta run.
It’s a Toy with Me day!
Love you guys!
- Dude does NOT look like a lady, but I’ll take it!
- Welcome to my Anxiety Disorder. Pull up a chair and put 911 on speed dial.
- What’s in YOUR uterus?
- Shut Up Beach
- What Could Possibly Go Wrong?