Wood Glue: not #1 choice for the spanking of the monkey but ok for gluing actual wood.

So yesterday was interesting because I was sitting at my kitchen counter minding my own business when my brother came in.

Somehow, as he sat down next to me, he woke up the computer and what popped onto the screen but some Ass Porn Mister left up on the desktop. Without missing a beat, my brother picked up the bottle of Wood Glue that Mister left on the counter right next to the computer and said, “you never told me Ken had trouble with his wood!  It’s because he’s using the wrong thing!  This will never work! You want it less sticky! What a dumbass.”

And then we laughed and talked about how our parents are wet blankets and are always trying to ruin our lives with their “advice” and their “concerns” and then he told me my dad was in the hospital for chest pain.


Like, when were you gonna tell me that, fuck face?  And so I called Papa to get the story and he didn’t know anything yet, and I’m just picturing my dad walking into the ER, having driven himself there because everyone knows that’s what you do when you think you’re having a heart attack is go for a drive, about 100 lbs overweight eating a bacon sandwich with a ruby red face and well? It’s amazing they didn’t just bust out the crash cart right there at the registration desk. He’s never had a heart attack before and that is surprising what with his short temper and his love of all things meat.  Or ice cream. Or chips.  Or cookies.  Or anything that Tastes Good.

But he didn’t have a heart attack, you guys.  It’s a pulmonary embolism.  A really big one. And he has The p-newmonia too. He’s going to be in the hospital all week and when I called him, he was cranky as ever. He’s going to be fine. If he has the strength to complain that he’s going to be out of work for a week, he has the strength to not have a heart attack or a stroke, depending on if the clot dislodges and where it goes if it does.  So that’s my story about my dad almost dying but not quite yet so hold your condolences. I’ll keep you posted.

Let’s see…what else?

Oh, Girlfriend did a classy move. She decided to make friends with that little Twattington who gave her a hard time on the bus last week. They’re best friends now. I stayed up all night trying to figure out how to handle the situation and she knew the whole time exactly what to do. I guess I’m doing a decent enough job with this whole parenting thing. Who knew?

And Homeslice just woke up, so I gotta run.

It’s a Toy with Me day!

The Permanipplelipilis

Love you guys!

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  1. I so love siblings. My sister would totally go on a rant about her co-workers forever and then right before hanging up inform me Dad’s in the hospital. In fact, she has. Didn’t you think the hospital bit should’ve come first??

    Of course Girlfriend has the answer. All great POFE know that it’s best to make frenemies out of the cuntbags of the world. That way you can keep on eye on those sneaky ass bitches.

  2. Wow your Dad is lucky he went to the hospital. PE’s are serious business. Blood thinners will be his new best friend. Hope he feels better soon. And high five to GF on solving that problem. She is one smart cookie.

  3. I’m just curious about other men’s experiences and how they cope with the bodily agony of unrequited lust.How long can you go without spanking the monkey?

  4. Boys don’t cry. They joke. That’s how they share bad news. Seems so backwards to us girls who’d much rather them come over in a ball of tears.

    Thinking of you and your pops … hope he recovers soon.
    .-= Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks’s last blog post… Camping =-.

  5. I thought you were having your brother delivered to me in NY where I’d keep him in the trunk of my car and only let him out in case of emergencies. Not unlike the Trunk Monkey.

    Not sure when I’m gettin’ up to NY again so send him on down to North Cackalacky would’ja?

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